@bea_ker

Remember when maths teachers said “you won’t have a calculator on you all the time when you’re older” well guess what, I do and I keep it in my pocket right next to my phone

You Might Also Like

@thepatrickwalsh

Tom Cruise has never starred in a movie where his character description didn’t include the word “hotshot.”

@bggas400

You never know how many people are out jogging early in the morning till you back out of your driveway with frost covered windows.

@pilau

oh my godddd my cat just asked for food while I was making creme brûlée lmao what an idiot read the room Steven

@Darlainky

Use helium in your air guitar to hit those extra high notes.

@SortaBad

Glad my car insurance company requires a 10 character password to log-in. Wouldn’t want someone to hack in and…pay my insurance bill

@TheBoydP

*jumps on perpetually offended bandwagon*

*gets pushed off for laughing*

@junejuly12

Cleaning out my handbag. Wondering if nine pens are enough.

@themacmind

Me: Rest assured I will go to the grave with your secret.

Pat: Thank you.

Me: Unfortunately so will my golfing buddies.

@handsock_butts

girlfriend: I’ll have the chef’s salad

me: [whispering] babe that’s so rude, just order your own