Tom Cruise has never starred in a movie where his character description didn’t include the word “hotshot.”
Remember when maths teachers said “you won’t have a calculator on you all the time when you’re older” well guess what, I do and I keep it in my pocket right next to my phone
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You never know how many people are out jogging early in the morning till you back out of your driveway with frost covered windows.
oh my godddd my cat just asked for food while I was making creme brûlée lmao what an idiot read the room Steven
Use helium in your air guitar to hit those extra high notes.
Glad my car insurance company requires a 10 character password to log-in. Wouldn’t want someone to hack in and…pay my insurance bill
*jumps on perpetually offended bandwagon*
*gets pushed off for laughing*
Cleaning out my handbag. Wondering if nine pens are enough.
Me: Rest assured I will go to the grave with your secret.
Pat: Thank you.
Me: Unfortunately so will my golfing buddies.
girlfriend: I’ll have the chef’s salad
me: [whispering] babe that’s so rude, just order your own