Remember when maths teachers said “you won’t have a calculator on you all the time when you’re older” well guess what, I do and I keep it in my pocket right next to my phone
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Little known fact: Scotland is just an elaborate hoax with Mike Myers playing all of its citizens.
When your mom is combing your hair for school picture day and she tells you what a handsome boy you are.
Me: The dog gives me more attention because he loves me the most.
Husband: No, it’s because you’re constantly dropping food on the floor.
I should have used more oils to get this off easier..
I’m trying to jerk it off but it won’t come.
Honey, dinner is stuck to the pan.
Meanwhile in Canada…
Me: I’m going to start the day early tomorrow.
WebMD: In the morgue.
Anyone else’s spouse dislike their pet name? My “wife for now” hates hers
It appears that children’s bladders get smaller as is gets darker outside.
This scientific hypothesis has been proven by my 7 year old coming out of the bedroom to pee five times in the last hour.
ME: OMG I love quizzes. Next question!
COP: Where were you the night of murder?
People Complain They’ve Been Cancelled; coming soon to prime time television.
awkward
6yr old: *tries to stick her fingers up my nose*
Me: Stop it! Get away from me, I don’t want your fingers in my nose.
6: What? I washed my hands.
therapist: and what motivation will we use ?
me: hate fueled spite ?
therapist: no
Brings a particularly tough steak to a knife fight.
I never feel more productive than when I’m watching cleaning videos.
It never fricken fails; I wash my car, and the very next day, I hit a pedestrian.
me: this could’ve been an email
[gets email]
me: no not like that
Got my flu shot and now everyone in Walgreens knows my safe word.
you don’t need therapy you just need to sit in the woods w/ your feet in a stream a dog by your side 1 million dollars in your pocket & a song in your heart
My family crest is a hand protectively shielding a slice of pie and a Latin motto that translates as “I’m still working on it.”
Sometimes, late at night, I’ll look up at the stars and wonder if you’re also stealing lawn furniture.
Scientist: a comet is headed for earth, we need a plan
Me: howabout a big funnel
S: why would that help
M: u know, to like, guide it here
I’d like to apologize to the lady on the bus. I assumed you wanted your hair held back while you ate your banana.
My father claims there’s nothing like being independent and yet he hasn’t washed a dish since 1975.
8: Can we have peanut butter sandwiches?
Me: No peanut butter allowed in the house. Daddy is allergic to peanuts
8: Can we buy some after he dies?
Me: Sure
My kid is having lasagna for breakfast.
Omg I’m raising Garfield!!
Only I can prevent forest fires? Why are you leaving me in charge of forest fires? I can’t even prevent chafing.
[At job interview]
Manager: So, do you have any questions about the job?
Me: Yeah, can I have it?
I forgot my glasses so I pointed to a random spot on the menu and now I’m hoping for the best
Nobody on this train is decent enough to give up their seat for a pregnant woman & now I gotta stand here w/my sweater balled up in my coat.