Remember when parents said “I’ll give you something to cry about” & were scared they’d hit us but they destroyed the housing market instead?
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I doubt my humanity the most when I’m trying to read those wavy, twisty scripts that are meant to verify you’re human.
Me: are you doodling?
My kid:
My kid: idk I just saw you coming in and tried to look busy
Mom: how’s therapy
Me: ok. my anxiety is better
Mom: great
Me: yeah
Mom:
Me:
Mom: so did u get the article I sent u about the flesh eating b
My 6 year old came into the bathroom while I was using it to tell me she hates it when the dog comes into the bathroom when she’s using it.
Groundhogs around the world are sitting around complaining about Phil and how ‘he doesn’t deserve the fame for doing what ANY groundhog can do!’
If someone says they just love the smell of books, I always want to pull them aside and be like, to be clear, do you know how reading works
What base is it when you’re flirting with a woman and she asks, “Are you all right?”
Do you also get pissed off when you walk into a public restroom and someone else is there and you have to wash your hands? Just me then
Jeez, you do a Satanic voice into a baby monitor one time and your neighbors never invite you over again.
An interrogator that just goes into the room and loudly eats a peach until the suspect confesses to everything.
a bottle of cyanide labeled GHOST PILLS
[Antichrist emerging from the ground]
*looks around*
Oh, I see you’ve all been doing a good job without me.
Hell is having a married couple tell you a story at the same time.
According to this frozen pizza box I’m a family of 4
Just failed a captcha test. Hell of a way to discover you’re a robot
Sorry for levitating at the end of your bed all night, I just think you’re really cute
Sometimes i spread newspaper out on the floor and then lay down on it and pretend i’m fish n’ chips
At my age, my passwords are protected by amnesia.
WTF
I just realized the straps on the side of the mattress are for moving the mattress, and not for what I’ve been using them for all this time.
It’s great that doctors are now offering digital appointments, but my online gyno checkup was really awkward.
[emergency room]
NURSE: It seems you’ve swallowed an abacus?
ME: She told me it’s what’s on the inside that counts
WIFE: I hate you
ME: What are you watching?
WIFE: The Wheel Of Time.
ME: It’s called a clock, Sharon.
HER: Get out.
*gets arrested
*mug shot posted
*waits for modeling contract
[high seas]
FIRST MATE: I can’t wait to see my wife again
PIRATE: Land Ho!
FIRST MATE: Now look, that’s a little rude
I wonder who pays the electric bill for the light at the end of the tunnel.
The rare times my cat comes to me for affection, I run and hide under the bed, so she knows what that feels like.
PROSECUTOR: you chipped a golf ball down a clowns throat
ME: i honestly thought that was part of the course
2nd Rule of Parent Club:
If your kid suddenly says “I think I’d better wash my hands”, don’t question them. I repeat, DO NOT QUESTION THEM.
Him: Are you eating cake for breakfast again?
Me: [mouth full] It’s got eggs in it.