Me: “if you eat toilet paper, does it save time in the end?
Interviewer: “…”
Me: “Oh you mean questions about the job!”
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me: im depressed
therapist: try a good walk
me: will that work
therapist: yes *subtly gives a ‘thumbs up’ to my dog*
*tries to lose weight by talking about it*
Me: *sees someone coming down hallway*
Them: Aimee! Hey!
Me: *turns and presses face against wall*
Them: Aimee?
Me: *closes eyes*
Does grape jelly go bad or do I just have wine jelly now?
14: hey dad- do you know what 9x9x9x9 is?
Me: I’m 40. I don’t need to know that anymore.
[at the park with my husband and children]
Stranger: You have a beautiful family
Me: *thinking of my Sims* Yes, thank you, I’m very proud
[after bowling]
Me: that was fun
Date: you whispered “bowling” every time you rolled the ball
Me: it helps me aim
[later in bed]
Me: *whispering* bo-
Her: -no
I would never bite my own toenails. That’s so disgusting. I only bite other people’s toenails.
If you ever hate someone, give their kid a whistle.
How come when someone says “we need to talk” it’s never about ice cream or Star Wars?
Me: What kind of stupid phone you got there?
Him: Windows phone
Me: Oh [takes it and lobs it out the window] Yes it is
Well played, super clean sliding glass door I thought I’d left open. Well played.
“Your cute”
“My cute what?”
My grandma taught me it’s okay to use the really bad words only when someone messes with family, or when a bird shits on your head.
Starting to get the feeling like there is a fennel cabal out there forcing chefs to put fennel in as many dishes as possible, this fennel conspiracy hurts all of us
me: [flips over]
my bed: ah the cool side of the person
December 26th is the sad day where I have to take the Christmas tree behind the garage and shoot it
BRAIN: you need to let loose a little, have some fun
ME: rainbow colored goldfish crackers it is
Brain: he must study-how?
*Hormones raise hand*
H: we could hit him with pimples, kill the social life?
B: *whispers*
It’s for his own good.
what forbidden atrocity did Santa Clause commit to be cursed to have to drink 500,000,000 glasses of warm milk in one night every year for eternity?
You should be able to twist the bottom of the pringles can to bring the chips to the top like a chapstick.
The only time I’m not excited to see a dog when I have drugs on me at the airport
If my wife calls me passive-aggressive one more time I swear to God I’m going to run the dishwasher half-empty again
Hate to be nosey, people in the hallway, but you’re too effing loud and yes, that mole should be looked at.
Somebody keeps sending me flowers with all the heads cut off.
I think I’m being stalked…
Daughter: Daddy, why do I have to go to bed so early?
Me: Because we have had enough of you for today
Dropped mother-in-law at airport.
Her flight isn’t until Tuesday, but with security and all, best to play it safe.
beginning a breakup text with “as the situation with the supply chain continues to develop,”
me: hey remember when we hid the stamps from the kids?
my brain: yup!
me: where did we put those?
my brain:
me:
my brain: ok, you’re never gonna believe this