Remember when that really cute guy held the door for you at the book store? He doesn’t.
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My neighbor won’t understand why I hide in my car until she has kids.
Basketball games are very squeaky.
How about I get 100% off by already being there
I’m not saying that I haven’t incorporated math into my adult life. I’m just saying I could’ve dropped out after elementary school.
It’s as hard to defend Liverpool as it is for Liverpool to defend.
If you think Jason Momoa has dad bod, please give me your dad’s phone number.
When I call out the wrong name during sex, I just segue into singing Mambo No. 5.
Cashier: haha that’s a lotta candy, getting ready for Halloween early eh
Me:…
Cashier:…
Me:…
Cashier:…
Me: yep
Natty or not?
[terrorist meeting]
“Let’s hit Americans where they gather to shop”
But how will we find these Targets?
“Guys you’re not gonna believe this”
“I’m gonna look to my left and run as fast as I can.”
– Toddlers
Worst Friday the 13th ever. Someone stole the baby Jason from our nativity set.
fool me once shame on you. fool me twice shame on me. fool me a third time this is a pretty good scam can i get in on it
squirrel mom: Remember what I told you
squirrel son: “Always look both ways before I finish crossing the street”
Please look at this text I just received from my boyfriend and yes you have the same amount of context as I do
My bf just suggested we put canned peas in the egg salad and anyway, I’m single now.
TALL GUY: 6 feet, 4 inches.
ME: Wow! I only have two feet, but they’re regular sized.
Mike Pence has a strong resume, including Governor of Indiana and Shawshank Prison Guard. #VPDebate
Give a girl a fish & she’s like “are u retarded?” Teach a girl to fish & she’s all “i only invited u to my party cause our moms are friends”
Take a deep breath.
Exhale slowly.– Respirational Tweet
Pot warmers of the day.
Jeans: jeans
Jorts: jean shorts
Jancakes: (you guessed it) jean pancakes
Got bucked off my high horse. Now I only have contusions of grandeur.
James Bond is trending so here’s ROGER MOORE in the greatest celebrity story ever. #JamesBond
My right eye has been twitching for over a week! Know what that means, someone’s been thinking of me so much they’re giving me a stroke!
I’ve just ordered some of those packaging air pockets from Amazon and can’t wait to see what they’re delivered in.
Me: Dear Santa…
Santa: *scrolling my TL*
I’m going to just stop you right there.
You don’t need a therapist when you have a strong support group around your barstool.
Being a parent to a preteen daughter is fun bc sometimes they’re mad at you for not letting them get a phone but other times they’re even more mad at you for not…[checks notes]…letting them get a pet venomous snake