@mrsjohngoodman

Remember when The Backstreet Boys told us to show them the meaning of being lonely and we were like ok

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@KalvinMacleod

[sky diving]
INSTRUCTOR: questions before we jump?
ME: do u think clams ever choke on their pearls?
INSTRUCTOR: *pushes me out of the plane*

@obijawn

Me: *throwing away all the lettuce*

Wife: oh, you already heard about the recall

Me: What recall?

@NapVeg

god: men, do u want pockets?
men: sure
god: u got it dude!
men: thank u!!! ❤️
god: women, do u want pockets?
women: yes!
god: lmao no
women: ????
god: kangaroos, do u want pockets?
kangaroos: yes pls
god: ok done
kangaroos: [already putting their kids in there]

@Tmoney68

Coworker: What a crazy weekend!

Me: *takes a knee*

CW: What are you doing?

M: Protesting this conversation.

@Donna_McCoy

I still remember the childhood pain of having to wear a sweater over my Halloween costume, so don’t say I don’t know tragedy.

@KeetPotato

[exchanging xmas gifts]
me: “if you dont open it you can never be disappointed can you?”
schrödinger: “i feel like i brought this on myself”

@QwertyJones3

Me: Oh my god, that cat is adorable! She’s the cutest kitty I’ve ever seen!

Cat: I just want to be friends.

@Steven37366100

Me: *giggling* No, you hang up

Cop: Other prisoners need to make their calls

@mattZillaaaa

Ran into an old friend who said that they thought I was dead. It was nice catching up.