INSTRUCTOR: questions before we jump?
ME: do u think clams ever choke on their pearls?
INSTRUCTOR: *pushes me out of the plane*
Remember when The Backstreet Boys told us to show them the meaning of being lonely and we were like ok
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Me: *throwing away all the lettuce*
Wife: oh, you already heard about the recall
Me: What recall?
god: men, do u want pockets?
god: u got it dude!
men: thank u!!! ❤️
god: women, do u want pockets?
god: lmao no
god: kangaroos, do u want pockets?
kangaroos: yes pls
god: ok done
kangaroos: [already putting their kids in there]
Coworker: What a crazy weekend!
Me: *takes a knee*
CW: What are you doing?
M: Protesting this conversation.
I still remember the childhood pain of having to wear a sweater over my Halloween costume, so don’t say I don’t know tragedy.
[exchanging xmas gifts]
me: “if you dont open it you can never be disappointed can you?”
schrödinger: “i feel like i brought this on myself”
Me: Oh my god, that cat is adorable! She’s the cutest kitty I’ve ever seen!
Cat: I just want to be friends.
Me: I must be out of my mind.
Me: You and me both.
Me: *giggling* No, you hang up
Cop: Other prisoners need to make their calls
Ran into an old friend who said that they thought I was dead. It was nice catching up.