I try to explain to my kids during the movie that in reality, even a cowardly lion would eat a girl and a little dog.
Remember when the biggest problem we faced was Gangnam Style
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Relationship Status: Just asked the bag of Doritos laying in bed next to me if they had enough room
Be careful on the roads out there guys. Someone t-boned my car and I can’t tell you how scary it was.
My dog beat me to a jalapeno that I dropped on the floor, and the look of instant regret on his face will forever be seared into my brain.
Throwing a surprise party for my girlfriend so just remember that on the count of three we all yell “SURPRISE YOU’RE ERIC’S GIRLFRIEND”
Adults with big round heads have kids with big round heads so for god sakes please try to date outside your head shape.
I read a description of my personality and it warned that I should be careful not to let myself fall into “hermit mode” and I’m like hermit mode sounds awesome how do I unlock hermit mode
A guy was honking at a car ahead of him to speed up at 6AM so I followed him bc his job must be amazing if he’s that excited to get to work.
[pushes panic button in the middle of MRI]
Tech: Are you okay? Do you have any questions?
Me: Yeah. Who sang the song that was just playing?
DETECTIVE: Let’s run through the suspects.
DETECTIVE: Who’s the most likely?
PARTNER: The husband, for sure.
DETECTIVE: Who else?
PARTNER: Her business partner.
DETECTIVE: And, the least likely?
PARTNER: *shrugs* Tom Hanks, I guess.