Remember when the biggest problem we faced was Gangnam Style
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“Ninja please” -Japanese people
I want a job waking people up that I dislike.
Or I guess I could just get married
the racists in this town are so proud of their lack of pigmentation you’d think they had actually chose it themselves 🙂
If Trump wins I’m moving to my last Sim City 2000 save file.
Well it was really just a matter of time, but I think I’ve completely creeped out my sleep paralysis demon for good this time.
my 4yo asked my favorite dinosaur and when I said t-rex he told me I couldn’t have it because that was his so I guess now I have to pick out a new 4yo
Weaknesses.
Secret Panel HERE 💥
If a necromancer isn’t someone who gives you hickies, then I’m not interested.
the squirrels are playing dodgeball with acorns again, must be mating season
[Jeopardy]
Me: I’ll take common phrases for $200.
Alex Trebek: this comes before the fall.
Me: [buzz] what is summer.
Alex Trebek: sorry, the answer is pride.
Me: no Alex, I’m pretty sure it’s summer.
*first date*
Him: You’re very interesting.
Me: Thank you.
Him: And fun to be around.
Me: That’s nice, thanks.
Him: You need to stop all of that if this is going to work.
Me:
Him: I’m just trying to help you. Change is good.
Me: Check please!
8yr old: I opened a bag of unpopped microwave popcorn to see what it was like and it smelled really weird.
Me: Oh, that’s just chemicals, don’t worry about it.
I’ll be spending some time on my other account.
Be back later.* if I’m not back later please read the message above again*
My wife always accuses me of having a favourite child. It’s not true, I love Matthew and Not-Matthew equally.
Most people who think I’m a nice person have no idea that I’d trade any one of my kids for a deep dish pizza.
Butt weight. There’s more!
N = Someone
O = Doesn’t
P = Understand
E = Acronyms
Stonehinge
HAVING KIDS
• expensive & boring
• they will live with you for 18 yearsBEFRIENDING A CROW
• cheap & exciting
• they will bring you gifts
• there is a good chance they will also be willing to do crimes for you
My dogs: OMG MOM IS DOING STUFF!! WOOOO!! GET HER!!
Me: (just getting off the couch to go to the bathroom)
My kid’s insults to each other:
“you have fat lips like Momma.”
“well, you have a big butt like Momma.
Thanks, kids.
If a gym has 75 treadmills, 1 is being used, what do you do?
You go home because it’s your favorite one being used
Math is easy
Made it to that level of parenting a teenager where you hand over thousands of dollars to an orthodontist and then a year later she has crooked teeth because “bruh, the dog ate the retainer like a long time ago.”
reviewed some movies recently
My husband said we should have a ‘date night’
I wonder why he didn’t like it when I introduced him to my date? Husbands, go figure.
You can create your own organic, totally biodegradable mask by walking face-first through a series of spider webs every morning.
911: what is your emergency
ME: there’s a fly in my house
911: hang tight sir we’re sending a swat team now
villagers: BURN THE WITCH
me: you’re the reason your dad left
witch: omg
villagers [lowering torches] damn dude
“Weight Watchers” because “Obesity Observers” was too cerebral.
I don’t know who needs to hear this but that curb never did anything to you