Remember when the current stupidest thing was the “Gotta Get Down on Friday” song? We didn’t know how good we had it.
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[in hell]
me: *sad* why am I here?
satan: you’re a murderer
me: what? no I’m not
satan: oh no? *rolls footage of my 3rd grade dance recital* you absolutely SLAYED, guuuuuuurl
me: *blushing* aww
“Last call for flight 254”
[Runs to gate]
“You barely made it”
[out of breath] This isnt my flight. I just wanted to tell you I’m a vegan
Do all gothic horror stories have to be in ancestral family homes? I am too poor for generational hauntings.
Never play musical chairs against a person in a wheelchair. They will always beat you.
Sorry, I sometimes blackmail people when I’m nervous….
Hendrix didn’t need to twerk on stage. He performed the old fashioned way, relying only on his musical talents and near lethal doses of LSD.
I had a lazy eye as a child and now the rest of my body has caught up.
Everyone’s gangster until they have to carry a leaking compost bag to the bin outside.
Magician: I can make anything disappear
Tom: *holding cup* do it to my tea
Magician: *waves hand* done
om: *holding cup* it didn’t work
I don’t know why people say Twitter isn’t a dating app. I’ve encountered plenty of available married men here.
Bought a cat collar with a bell on it, and now I can’t sneak up on the cat to put it on her.
My dad, a Canadian: “I can’t believe Americans turned a single meal into a five day holiday”
Trash truck: [emptying my garbage bins]
Me [running out of house with 2020 under my arms]: HOLD ON A MINUTE
Customer next to me at pharmacy counter: What are you taking those for?
Me: To control my homicidal rage at nosy people.
Customer: …
Fun Fact: When you die, someone will feel inconvenienced that your funeral is on a particular day. lol
It’s Saturday night and I just saw a guy with a ponytail and tinted lenses. Somewhere, a tarantula is home alone
“I just can’t help myself!”
—paramedic on his deathbed
I asked my 5-year-old what she was on because she was having such a good time wiggling and being weird. She looked at me like she finally met the dumbest person in the world, “the couch.”
Please don’t take illegal substances.
Or at least, don’t take MY illegal substances.
Me: The whole “terrible two’s” thing is a myth.
Friend: That’s good to know.
Me: It’s actually much worse than that.
The doctor wants me to start eating healthier to add years to my life. It’s like he doesn’t realize I’m married.
The Wizard of Oz is my favourite movie about serial murder for personal gain.
Little kids are like sponges: always damp, little bits of food stuck all over them, faint smell of mildew…
It’s hard to look like a badass when you’re slurping on a strawberry smoothie.
Her: could things get any worse?
Me: *adds raisins* there you go.
Perhaps nothing is more overrepresented in film than snow globes.
When Adam and Eve ate the apple I remember thinking, “Well, that’s a sin, but at least it’s original.”
I want a job waking people up that I dislike.
Or I guess I could just get married
When my in-laws kindly told me to treat them as if they were my own family I graciously obliged.
I don’t speak to my own family either.
Forever 21… pounds overweight