To their credit, selfie sticks may be the only proof future archaeologists have to dispute the notion cameras grew directly out of our arms
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I use a “retirement calculator” every morning before I leave for work to make sure I’m on track financially and I only have 1718 years to go
my neighbor is outside hosing off her lampshades and I’m both terrified and intrigued
On a 1st date, I like to order the family meal so he gets an idea of who he’s dealing with.
My son got hungry so I gave him a snack. His teacher is gonna say how he can’t eat and before I knew it, I yelled from the kitchen “Girl, he is at home honey!” & then there was silence…….
HER: I love how we always finish each other’s
HIM:
HER:
HIM:
HER: Marriages
You know why some people wear socks with sandals?Cos they’ve never been punched in the head for it.If you see an offender,do the right thing
Proofreading this book couldn’t have been that hard?!
It’s “Bring Your Kids To Work Day” and all my cats are fighting in the break room.
My sister has a special type of selective hearing where she can only hear my mom announce when food is ready
shit! I’m going to be hairy late!!!!
A cabbage a day keeps people away.
Me: The worst thing about quarantine is that I’m running low on hot sauce.
BFF: Why you lying?
“My uncle died from mineral exposure.”
“Barium?”
“No. We had him cremated.”
when i die please avenge my death regardless of the circumstances
Each year more people die in bathtub accidents than plane accidents, but any idiot thinking they can fly a bathtub deserves what they get.
Did you hear about the armored car guard who was really surprised to get fired?
He thought he had job security…
Marriage Tip: never go to bed angry.
Go to bed planning your opening rebuttal for the next morning.
My wife told me some guy at the bar was buying her drinks all night to get me jealous.
We’ll it worked. I wish he was buying me drinks.
The tea party my toddler invited me to feels more like a hostage situation.
Me: a calm, methodical Navy SEAL when I clog my own toilet
Also me: a terrified, incapable, frozen idiot when I clog yours
If you live in the U.S., date someone in Australia. That way when they dump you it will be tomorrow, and you don’t have to deal with it yet.
When my wife says “Guess what today is.”
I want to name my daughter Katie but that spelling is too common so I’ll spell it Potassiumatie.
instead of a movie based on a book, they should make a movie based on two books, like The Babysitters Fight Club
Tear gas is the saddest gas.
Bully gets me in a headlock not realizing my entire head is pre-slathered in fish oil and I just slip right out! The janitor chants my name.
Is a guy eating peach halves the equivalent of a chick eating a banana?
Asking for a friend…
…but hurry up, I’m almost to the checker
My chakras have been itchy all day but it turns out it was just a dryer sheet.
DOG BOSS: ur fired
ME: wait, is there any way you’ll reconsider?
DOG BOSS: no
ME: u want to go for a ride in the car
DOG BOSS: *tilts head*