@juliacomedy

remember when u found out the french word for seal was phoque and u were like this is the best day of my phoquing life

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@MeDistracting

The 80s gave me the unrealistic expectation that I would eventually see a mannequin come to life.

@inmynewskin

Let your girlfriend know how much you love her by screeching loudly like a pterodactyl whenever she talks.

@CruisinSoozan

If you can’t say something nice, say something mortifying and kinky.

@LizHackett

You’re a busy woman. Let the smoke alarm tell you when the chicken’s done.

@tech_pirate

1 in 5 people are Chinese. Only 5 people in my family, it’s either mom or dad, brother Colin, younger brother Ho Chan. I think it’s Colin.

@GrantTanaka

if you stand up in a hospital waiting room & loudly announce your name & why you’re there, sometimes another person will do it too

@RocketRankoon

Shout out to Pringles for admitting they’re addictive, unlike cigarettes and heroin the two biggest liars of the snack industry.

@pimecorp

my deep-seated irrational fear of ceiling fans has been vindicated