remember when u found out the french word for seal was phoque and u were like this is the best day of my phoquing life
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I don’t care how much you pay for sushi- you are getting a raw deal.
Talk to me when you have a shirt & tie that didn’t come in the same box.*
*Grave robbers exempt.
If you find a fry on the floor and you don’t share it with me, we can’t be friends. Don’t touch me. Monster.
Sometimes I wanna comment on a photo on Facebook but then I don’t wanna have to explain why I’m in your ‘Random Party Pics 08’ album at 4am.
Her: I like dogs
Me: *dies in 10-13 years*
bitcoin? isn’t that how people checked if gold was real?
Horoscopes signs should sound cool like asparagus, chevrolet and Dan
Friend: I get my kids to eat their vegetables by making up cute names like ‘caulipower’ and ‘broccoli trees’.
Me: I get my sons to eat their vegetables by saying, “Eat your damn vegetables.”
Finally going to watch Titanic, no spoilers please.
Why did Star Wars Episodes 4, 5 & 6 come out before 1,2 & 3?
Because in charge of directing, Yoda was.
The older I get, the more my feet hurt. I guess it’s true… time wounds all heels.
PAROLE BOARD: And what would you do if released?
ME: Crimes.
PB: Excuse me?
ME: *leans into mic* RHYMES. I’M SUPER INTO POETRY NOW.
Instead of mistletoe, I should hang up green citrus fruits.
..so when I stand under them, I’ll feel sublime.
If one more teenager uses the term ‘Back in the day’…I swear I’m gonna smack them with a floppy disk and choke them with my legwarmers.
There’s 8 people waiting on me to get up and cook breakfast. Someone come kidnap me please.
How’s the parenting going over here?
My youngest just told my oldest to “GET IN THE DAMN CAR!”
Some people can’t sleep because they have insomnia. I can’t sleep because I have internet connection.
Prior authorizations be like:
My doctor: You need this medicine.
Dr to pharmacy: She needs this medicine.
Pharmacy to insurance: Her doctor says she needs this medicine.
Insurance: Does she though? Let’s ask her doctor.
The cops say I have to stop trying to fist fight the guy who tries to feed my house letters everyday.
M: so I’ve been thinking
*all of the light bulbs in the house shatter*
car salesman: and I’m 95% sure no one has died in the trunk hahaha
me: ok phew haha
*muffled screaming*
car salesman: 100%
Do not ask me to cheer you up. I will take you to a bar and ruin both our lives
Facebook: YOU HAVE MEMORIES TO LOOK BACK ON! HERE’S YOUR WEDDING!
Me: Christine divorced me
Fb: IT’S BOB’S BIRTHDAY!
Me: He stole Christine
Fb: HERE’S A PHOTO OF YOUR DOG!
Me: They took the dog
Fb: I KNOW
Me: Why are you doing this
Fb: YOU HAVE MEMORIES TO LOOK BACK ON
Turned on the telly and there’s all the Kings horses and all the Kings men, so I assume they’re on their way to some egg related emergency.
the women in tampon commercials should switch places with the women in antidepressant commercials
Booked an escape room but just to get away from everyone… no plans of escaping, they’re gonna have to kick me out
“Omg, I literally just died”
-people who literally don’t know what literally means
me: freedom implies the existence of freesub
subway: we said no
To whoever has my voodoo doll, please stop making her go to work