remember when u found out the french word for seal was phoque and u were like this is the best day of my phoquing life

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I’m glad humans don’t do the combo breed names like Labradoodle. I wouldn’t want to tell people I’m Germish.


911: What’s your emergency?

Me: I need several Ambuli stat!

911: Ambuli?

Me: Yea plural for Ambulance

911: No its not

Me: It should be


Sometimes you look at an ex and think maybe they’re not so bad. And then they start to talk and remind you why you hate them.


I think everyone would benefit if women had Oxford commas instead of periods.


The guy at the gym said rest days are really important, so I’ve been resting for 6 years.


My wife wants to have another kid. That’s like seeing light at the end of a tunnel and saying, “I think we better turn around.”


In extremely rare cases women have been known to sleep with me.


you idiots are out here getting your wisdom teeth removed. me? i am having more added. where did you think yours were going? that’s right, my mouth. i have 107 wisdom teeth now. my wisdom has never been higher. i am realizing for the first time that this was not a good idea


*pretends floor is lava*

*looks around*

*slyly pushes homework onto the floor*