@KevinFarzad

Remember when we spent an entire year learning cursive? That’s why the other countries are winning.

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@mattytalks

Girl are you a University of Phoenix degree because I’m pursuing you online and from my couch

@FredTaming

[ gets death tarot card ]

me: i’ve heard it’s really not that bad

blackjack dealer: idk seems kinda bad

@Jeffwni

– “… He accidentally drank some radioactive milk and became_

– MILKMAN!!

– No. He became gravely ill and died. What are you? An idiot?!”

@Zin5ki

America: You drive for four hours. You are still in the same part of the country.

UK: You drive for two hours. The local accent has changed twice. Bread rolls have a new name.

@craiguito

Oh, dearest paracetamol,
A mystery to me,
Why sometimes you cost £1.10,
But sometimes 20p.

@robdelaney

Maybe Van Gogh cut his ear off because someone traveled back in time and whispered a Drake song in it.

@wildethingy

The trick is to leave enough details online so that a determined mysterious rich uncle can find you but not enough so random murderers can.

@ClichedOut

Society: Let’s give mothers their very own day.

Me: What about sharks?

Society: We’ll give them a whole week.