Girl are you a University of Phoenix degree because I’m pursuing you online and from my couch
Remember when we spent an entire year learning cursive? That’s why the other countries are winning.
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[ gets death tarot card ]
me: i’ve heard it’s really not that bad
blackjack dealer: idk seems kinda bad
“Adult assembly required” bro, how tf do you build an adult?
– “… He accidentally drank some radioactive milk and became_
– No. He became gravely ill and died. What are you? An idiot?!”
Co-worker: You drink a lot of coffee!!!!
Me: It’s for your own safety.
America: You drive for four hours. You are still in the same part of the country.
UK: You drive for two hours. The local accent has changed twice. Bread rolls have a new name.
Oh, dearest paracetamol,
A mystery to me,
Why sometimes you cost £1.10,
But sometimes 20p.
Maybe Van Gogh cut his ear off because someone traveled back in time and whispered a Drake song in it.
The trick is to leave enough details online so that a determined mysterious rich uncle can find you but not enough so random murderers can.
Society: Let’s give mothers their very own day.
Me: What about sharks?
Society: We’ll give them a whole week.