Remember when we thought 2016 was a particularly bad year?
*Laughs in 2020*
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[first day as a chef]
assistant: why is your hat squeaking
During the first confessional I filmed for Is It Cake I said “I didn’t come here to make friends I came here to make cakes” and the producer said “Please never say that again.”
Stick with me and you’ll go places.
None of them good, but still.
People with Swiss bank accounts are often confused between their Bank balance and the Back Account number.
what does he know…
I pack extra bags when I travel so I have room to bring back souvenirs, candies, hotel towels, the extra toilet paper, stuff like that.
Please, call me Seahorse. Mr. Seahorse was my mother.
So many people say “if my memory serves me correctly” and I’m actually quite shocked at the amount of servants named Memory…….
Wife: Are you still tweeting about me being in labor?
Me: Now I’m live tweeting “The Walking Dead.”
Wife:
Me: Everything isn’t about you.
you: ant-man
me, an intellectual: uncle
If I ever catch my kid vaping, I’m going to make him eat an entire fedora.
*wakes up before alarm goes off*
please be 5am please be 5am
*checks time*
2:34pm, februrary 25, 2054. NOOOOOOOOO
Me: It’s not often that a single guy like me gets a home cooked meal.
Her: Why don’t you get married?
Me: I’ve never been that hungry.
Got booked for a last minute gig tonight but I knew it wasn’t prank because the pay was too low.
“What’s the worst that can happen?”
Buddy I’ve got anxiety, I’ll make you a list
One of my worst typos at work… my missing O in hello. Hell there! Kind of changes the niceness of the message. There’s more unfortunately
Magician: I can make anything disappear
Tom: *holding cup* do it to my tea
Magician: *waves hand* done
om: *holding cup* it didn’t work
I hired a person to randomly show up throughout the day and put baskets of bread on my desk.
“Marisa Tomei” is an anagram for “It’s-a me, Mario”
Bruce Willis reaches for his iPhone but accidentally grabs his iPad and screams because he thinks he’s shrunk
Canned, not stirred.
[lights pickle]
Some people are scared of spiders and some people are scared of clowns but EVERYONE should be afraid of spiders dressed as clowns.
Them: Can you recommend a show for me?
Me: Captain Caveman?
Them: Maybe something more for adults?
Me:
Them: Sorry.
Paid my mortgage so don’t ask me to come out. I’m getting my moneys worth.
*races to airport
*hurdles though security
*sees her at boarding gate
*shouts her name
*romantic music swells
I RAN OVER YOUR CAT
My 4yo went through my phone and confronted me like I cheated on her, “you took a lot of pictures of this baby…”
Don’t bring up something I said 30 minutes ago. I’m a different person, I’ve changed since then.
I swallowed a Ice Cube and I haven’t pooped it out yet, I’m really scared you guys.
boss: why did you cross out “world” on my “world’s best boss” mug
me: have you met every boss in the world
boss: no bu—
me: just seems like a lofty claim
boss: {gesturing at my “universe’s awesomest employee” shirt}
me:
boss:
me: this one’s true tho
[ouija board]
“Spirits are u there?
I A M H E R E. Y O U W A N N A T A L K? Y O U W A N N A H A N G O U T?
[squints]
“A needy board?”