I didn’t get a chance to do yoga this morning or any other morning of my life.
Remember when we thought 2016 was a terrible year and wanted it to be over?
You Might Also Like
[Jumps into taxi]
[taxi driver turns around excitedly]
“…ME ON TWITTER”
[Jumps out & moonwalks into Olive garden]
Aliens: WHY SHOULD HUMANITY BE SPARED?
Me: whoa ok, you guys have chosen the wrong dude to argue this case
80% of being Donald Trump is just worrying that the wind will blow your weird combover in the wrong direction.
JUDGE: I sentence you to 2 consecutive life sentences
[60 yrs later: convict dies, is reincarnated]
COP: This baby camel is under arrest
Interviewer: Under skills you put horse whisperer and able to see ghosts
Me: Ask that horse if you don’t believe me
Interviewer: What horse?
Me: [Advancing my knight] How much to build a hotel on this square?
Grim Reaper: First, as I explained, that’s not how the horse moves.
GOD: there, my first animal 🙂
SNAKE:youre not done right? How am I supposed to move?
Hi, welcome to dating. These are your two options:
1. Stay together forever
2. Break up
Told my dog I was feeding him only natural, holistic food. Not sure he could hear me over slurping of water from toilet.