Quarantine day 6: Went to this restaurant called The Kitchen. You have to gather all the ingredients and make your own meal. I have no clue how this place is still in business.
Remember when we thought 2016 was a terrible year and wanted it to be over?
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When I see my cat watching out the window, fascinated, I sit beside her and say, ‘Look, Simba. Everything the light touches is our kingdom.’
[looking at pregnancy test]
Her: Well, it’s positive…so weird
Me: [Flashback to using car keys to open condom wrapper]…so weird
Birth control??? Here watch my kids for 10 minutes.
Vampire who is obsessed with his diet.
I recognize that Rome wasn’t built in a day but I’m not trying to build Rome, I just want to to enjoy onion rings without gaining weight.
I walked a girl down into the dark woods. She said it’s very scary. I said how do you think i feel i have to walk back alone..
I don’t have instagram, so I thought you guys should know I had Starbucks this morning. The cup was super cool looking. I also saw a rainbow
as a teen did you ever steal your moms booze and fill it back up with water, or steal money out of her purse and fill it back up with water
How often do you think they wash the Muppets?