Remember when we thought 2016 was a terrible year and wanted it to be over?
Good times.

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I didn’t get a chance to do yoga this morning or any other morning of my life.


[Jumps into taxi]
[taxi driver turns around excitedly]
[Jumps out & moonwalks into Olive garden]



Me: whoa ok, you guys have chosen the wrong dude to argue this case


80% of being Donald Trump is just worrying that the wind will blow your weird combover in the wrong direction.


JUDGE: I sentence you to 2 consecutive life sentences

[60 yrs later: convict dies, is reincarnated]

COP: This baby camel is under arrest


Interviewer: Under skills you put horse whisperer and able to see ghosts
Me: Ask that horse if you don’t believe me
Interviewer: What horse?


Me: [Advancing my knight] How much to build a hotel on this square?

Grim Reaper: First, as I explained, that’s not how the horse moves.


GOD: there, my first animal ūüôā
SNAKE:youre not done right? How am I supposed to move?
G:like this*shimmies*
G:just kinda*shimmies*


Hi, welcome to dating. These are your two options:

1. Stay together forever
2. Break up

No pressure.


Told my dog I was feeding him only natural, holistic food. Not sure he could hear me over slurping of water from toilet.