Remember when we thought 2016 was a terrible year and wanted it to be over?
Good times.
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Cleaned out my closet and found Narnia. I should check on these folks more often, their political and social infrastructure is in shambles
Wow, the Fire Marshall really has no sense of humor these days.
My friend went out with a guy who works at Trader Joe’s and when she mentioned she likes the new brookie caramel candy clusters he said he didn’t want to talk about work 😅
Pack some crackers, we’re going on a cheeseabout.
What idiot called him Frosty the Snowman and not Bill Brrrr?
WOMAN: Is anyone here a doctor?!
MAN: I sure am! And I think I can. Save that man. Like eggs & ham.
W: Shutup Seuss! I meant a real doctor.
You say jump I say how high. You say run I say how fast. You say lets hang out I say no.
[ant colony]
husband: I am beat
wife: you’re the one who wanted to be in construction. I should’ve married a doctor
husband: yeah but *flexing* can a doctor lift 5,000 times his body weight?
wife: WE ALL CAN, GARY
North Korea is officially named the Democratic People’s Republic of Korea. That’s like naming a prison The Fun Time Slumber Party Facility.
If they cause you to have anxiety & panic attacks the majority of your relationship, move on.
In related news, I just broke up with my mom
When I write “I hope this email finds you well” I’m referring to the email’s skills in tracking you down.
I wonder if Medusa’s husband felt like he was being taken for granite.
Eye Exam Lamaze Class
Emergency
🤝
Dilated Pupils
Her: A group of iguanas is called a Mess. I love that.
Him: What happens if they get overheated?
Her: I see where this is going. Don’t even think of-
Him: *whispers* hot mess.
if someone finds my voodoo doll please shave its legs
does bisexual mean twice a sexual, or once every other sexual
me to the government: no broo I swear I don’t make that much money i promise you bro 😭 😬
me to my landlord: I make so much money big dog you know I’m good for it just let me live here bro you don’t have to worry about me fr I promise 😤🤝
I sprayed a mosquito with mosquito repellent and now he’ll never have any friends.
I wear my fitness tracker to bed. If I’m making 2 trips a night to the bathroom, I’m damn well getting credit for them.
I may have told my children they can get whatever they want at the store but I have the right as their mother to veto the first 864 things they pick out.
GF taking me on a surprise V-Day getaway. At least I think. Not sure what the lime and shovel in the trunk with me are for though.
When I become a ghost, Im going to leave messages in blood, but theyre gonna be overwhelmingly positive, like “You’re Doing A Great Job”
america famously invented speed limits during the cold war, back when they didn’t trust anyone that was rushin’
These cats just swagged into the room like they had some serious yolo’ing to do.
*Myself at the doctor*
Is this test absolutely necessary?*Taking my dog to the Vet*
Whatever test is necessary, spare no expense.
Keep your friends close and that one chick with a great beachfront condo closer.
Does my family really expect me to express my love for them on Valentine’s Day when we’ve been trapped together for months??
Marie Kondo Vs. Hoarders
“Do these 370 cats bring you joy?”
“Yes. Get out!”
I hate to brag but I’ve had numerous women fake their own death to get out of a relationship with me.
Thanks to my wife for putting back the empty box of Froot Loops back in the pantry. Now I can have a big bowl of disappointment for breakfast.