@kimtopher22

Remember when we thought 2016 was a terrible year and wanted it to be over?
Good times.

You Might Also Like

@JimGaffigan

I didn’t get a chance to do yoga this morning or any other morning of my life.

@Fred_Delicious

[Jumps into taxi]
“FOLLOW…”
[taxi driver turns around excitedly]
“…ME ON TWITTER”
[Jumps out & moonwalks into Olive garden]

@zakagan

Aliens: WHY SHOULD HUMANITY BE SPARED?

Me: whoa ok, you guys have chosen the wrong dude to argue this case

@LoveNLunchmeat

80% of being Donald Trump is just worrying that the wind will blow your weird combover in the wrong direction.

@therealeatwood

JUDGE: I sentence you to 2 consecutive life sentences

[60 yrs later: convict dies, is reincarnated]

COP: This baby camel is under arrest

@thepunningman

Interviewer: Under skills you put horse whisperer and able to see ghosts
Me: Ask that horse if you don’t believe me
Interviewer: What horse?

@suntzufuntzu

Me: [Advancing my knight] How much to build a hotel on this square?

Grim Reaper: First, as I explained, that’s not how the horse moves.

@thetits

GOD: there, my first animal ūüôā
SNAKE:youre not done right? How am I supposed to move?
G:like this*shimmies*
S:
G:just kinda*shimmies*
S:dude

@thatdutchperson

Hi, welcome to dating. These are your two options:

1. Stay together forever
2. Break up

No pressure.

@patsajak

Told my dog I was feeding him only natural, holistic food. Not sure he could hear me over slurping of water from toilet.