Remember when we thought 2016 was a terrible year and wanted it to be over?
Good times.

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Quarantine day 6: Went to this restaurant called The Kitchen. You have to gather all the ingredients and make your own meal. I have no clue how this place is still in business.


When I see my cat watching out the window, fascinated, I sit beside her and say, ‘Look, Simba. Everything the light touches is our kingdom.’


[looking at pregnancy test]

Her: Well, it’s positive…so weird

Me: [Flashback to using car keys to open condom wrapper]…so weird


I recognize that Rome wasn’t built in a day but I’m not trying to build Rome, I just want to to enjoy onion rings without gaining weight.


I walked a girl down into the dark woods. She said it’s very scary. I said how do you think i feel i have to walk back alone..


I don’t have instagram, so I thought you guys should know I had Starbucks this morning. The cup was super cool looking. I also saw a rainbow


as a teen did you ever steal your moms booze and fill it back up with water, or steal money out of her purse and fill it back up with water