Remember when we thought it would be fun to grow up and have jobs? LOL
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technically mixed martial arts can include tickle fighting
I’ve never been to a tailgate party, but I once hung out with my grandma and her friends in the bingo parking lot for 30 minutes.
I exposed my kids to comedy in the womb. I was hoping it would get me a better delivery.
Cleaning out my handbag. Wondering if nine pens are enough.
Tim Cook just came out. Waiting for the Android version.
I hate when you’re talking to a woman at a bar and some guy comes up and says “Is this guy bothering you?”
It’s even worse when your wife says, “He really is.”
Personal trainer: Abs are made in the kitchen.
Me: so was this pie
Husband praying mantis: I have a headache
Not enough arguments are settled with a dance off.
ah, yes. the elusive llamarshmallow.
At a job interview “What are your strengths?”
“I’m an optimist and a positive thinker”
“Can you give me an example?”
“Yes, when do I start?”
I’m sorry I put a collar on your baby. I thought it was a Pug.
ME: Humans have 10,000 taste buds. Cats have 470
SON: So cats don’t have much taste
CAT [watching the emoji movie] haha this is hilarious
if you wear camouflage on house hunters, the houses will never see you coming
I’ve reached that age where I don’t have to drink to forget because it just happens naturally now.
“OH GOD! OH GOD! OH GOD! OH GOD! OH GOD!Damn these thin walls. Don’t know if my neighbors are having sex, praying or having a coronary.
Interviewer: If you get this job what will you bring to the team?
Me: cake…I’ll bring cake
Skywritten letters:
SUSAN I DON’T HAVE A LOT OF MONEY FOR THIS WRITING BUT THIS IS HOW I WANTED TO PROPOSE; WILL YOU MAR
“Are you fine being hugged while you pee?” is a question someone should’ve asked me before I had kids.
I love spending time with my kid so I can hear about things like the pickup lines the boys use. (Her favorite is, “I’ll be your Lightning if you’ll be McQueen.”)
After 9 months and 347 pics of you being pregnant you REALLY only need to post one pic of the baby as proof.
We believe you.
Owl Sanctuary
No, I’m not dressing up as something sexy. I’m sexy 364 days of the year. I’m dressing up as the Predator.
Even Benjamin Button would feel old by the time 2020 finally ends.
If this doesn’t sum up England nothing will 😂😂 #snow #weather #uk
LASAGNA IS ONE OF THE WORST SPELLED WORDS THAT SHIT IS ABSOLUTELY PREPOSTEROUS, SHOULD BE LASONYA BUT UR ALL SCARED TO TALK ABOUT IT, SCARED OF WHAT COULD HAPPEN
“you guys got full size candy bars in there?”
The easiest way to get over someone is with a steamroller.
Long story short, hitler beat me up and has my time machine.
If you know someone who effortlessly falls asleep every night, that is a demon. You’re friends with a demon.