Remember when we used to call the “self check-out” – ‘Theft’?
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No selfies while hijacking a train.
“I’m a very private person” – people who are on back to back reality shows
This text is literally my relationship with my mother:
Detective: Where were you on the night-
Me: Twitter
Detective: Between the hour-
Me: Twitter
Detective: I wasn’t fini-
Me: Twitter
Stop screaming at me like you’re the only one who realizes our kitchen is on fire. The arrogance.
*carrying dog*
Clerk: no pets allowed
Me: *closes eyes* It’s my seeing eye dog.
C: You tried that last week.
M: IT’S MY SEEING EYE DOG!
this coffee maker is handing out writing prompts for a choose-your-own-adventure vampire story
WIFE: *holding pregnancy test* well this is unexpected
ME: *rubbing wife’s tummy* can we discuss a different name?
Yes
Ended a date early one time so I could come home and eat my hawaiian bbq leftovers before anyone else got to it
Bakery worker: Can I get you something?
Me: [staring at case full of pies] No thanks, I’m just window eating.
WIFE: stop quoting Britney Spears songs or I’ll leave you
ME: but I’m a slave 4 u
WIFE: that’s it
ME: (whispers) oops I did it again
me: wanna go on a date tomorrow?
him: sure how about 8?
me: slow down. i was thinking we’d try the one first
I use a wheelchair. When someone asks the person I’m with “What’s her name?” I tell the person I’m with to say “Your guess is as good as mine.”
Being a little kid is so wild. You just learned that chicken nuggets come from chickens, your mom’s brother is your uncle, and you just got your first paycheck from the tooth fairy. Life is good.
My gf 1 month in: haha OMG I love your Twitter. I definitely don’t think it’s weird, it’s so clever!
My gf 2nd month: listen
I’ve made 2 terrible decisions in my life and they’re both outside throwing rocks at the new neighbors.
It’s bullshit that dogs get their own heaven but we humans have to go to the same heaven as moths and tractors
I was laid off by Twitter today. I’m an algorithmicist and psychological operations specialist looking to possibly transition into nation-state level disinformation broadcasting roles. Please DM me if you have any leads!
Me: Screams into the void
Void: screams back
Me: Screams into void again
Void:
Me:
Void: welp this is awkward, but I was actually screaming to the person behind you
I may toss the cat into my teen’s room when he snoozes his alarm
if he fails to check his pillow for catnip before bed that’s his own fault
You’re telling me this life crisis is mid
AAA is king of the junk mail. Once a week I get an envelope that looks like divorce papers and inside it’s like “time to split… with roadside anxiety”
Peacock tails: Good!
Pee cocktails: Bad.
The only difference between a psychiatrist and a drug dealer is that the drug dealer doesn’t make you wait an hour.
[Jesus on a blind date]
Christians: “Hmm, you seemed whiter in your profile picture”
Bury me next to a kangaroo skeleton and put boxing gloves on me.
A cemetery foreman discovers that his employees cremated a body he explicitly told them to bury.
“You’ve made a grave mistake!” He fumes.
kids: can we get a lollipop at the bank
me: if you’re good *pulls mask down over my face*