Spreads legs… Nope
Spreads two other legs …. Nope
Spreads two others …. Dammit, no
Spreads last two…. BINGO!!
– spider sex
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So what do you think?
New hair?
No
Shoes?
No
Bag?
No
Pants?
No* 3 days later watching TV
OMG u rearranged the living room
– Men
me: we have a problem, i forgot the speakers
her: it’s cool i don’t like music
me: ok we have 2 problems
ME: whats our policy on dogs in the office
BOSS: no dogs
ME: [about to hand over my dog’s resume but I pull it back just in time] haha duh
“I Wish I Had Her Skin!”
– Teenage Girls & Serial Killers
Wait, Australia is 14 hours ahead of America? Thanks for the 9/11 warning!
i know parents looking like their kids is obvious but the way reese witherspoon hit ctrl c + ctrl v on her daughter is mad
A polite way to call someone’s baby ugly is to say “Oh. He looks just like you.”
Raccoon: So lemme get this straight: I’m adorable?
God: Yes
Raccoon: Comical?
God: *chuckles* Yes
Raccoon: Would make a great pet?
God: Oh my yes
Raccoon: Wow, I must be man’s best friend!
God: *shakes head* They call you a trash panda
Who called them Underpants ?
And not ‘Man Hole’ Covers?
Everybody at the party got upset when Baby Jesus turned the wine into breast milk.
Me: Children I may not have riches to pass onto you but I do have faulty genetics and a history of anxiety that is all yours.
Children: Wait what?
Me: What?
The problem with studying ancient Chinese art is I want some Mexican art a half an hour later.
The wife told me to stop acting childish this morning and I really couldn’t say anything back, I wasn’t speechless I just had a whole donut in my mouth.
[infant diary]
Father has disappeared during a game of peek-a-boo. I fear the worst.
My stepmother asking me exactly how many chicken nuggets to make for my kids like lady it could be 15 or 0 do I look like some kind of psychic
Did you know if you weigh yourself, then take a dump, then weigh the dump & weigh yourself again, you’ll be banned from Walgreens for life?
Me: a pessimist sees the glass half empty; an optimist see the glass half full.
Wife: [returning from the restroom] why is half my mimosa gone?
Me: because you’re a pessimist.
Memes like this are the reason I still use social media.
bank robber: everyone on the ground and drop whatever is in your hands!!
me: [holding a $9 Starbucks coffee, a tear rolls down my cheek] no
2032. Predictive Text has been perfected. You idly check in on your lunch break to see what you & your best friend have been chatting about.
No one will question your alcoholism if you always propose a toast before drinking.
“I want us to exercise together and eat more salads”, I said, turning to the spouse-shaped cartoon hole in the wall.
I threw a ball for my dog.
May be a little extravagant, but he looks great in a tux.
five mistletoes make up a mistlefoot thank you for your time
You know who else doesn’t leave another man’s girlfriend alone?
Mosquitos
If snakes were wide
When I was a little kid, I used to think “this little pig went to market,” meant it was going shopping!
Jesus, take the wheel!
*steering wheel disappears*
*car careens into tree*
In the past 3 weeks, my trash has gone out more than I have.
Someone saw me today. It was exciting and very scary. I am a bear.