@SbethCaplin

Remember when we used to say “Avoid it like the plague,” assuming people would actually avoid plagues?

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@mommajessiec

This morning I brushed my hair with an American Girl doll brush because, apparently, she is the only one in my house who puts things back where they belong.

@AndreyasAsylum

I’m my own family, I say as I plow through the family-size bag of barbecue chips.

@naderdagher

If he pauses a video game to text you, he’s probably already losing, no need to feel special or anything,

@SaltyCorpse

A lot of people are walking around without forks in their eyes only because I don’t carry forks around.

@PascalSloths

Petting my dog with a spatula cause I’m too lazy to reach and he is too lazy to move closer

Why is there a spatula in my room?

@living_marble

[we arrive at the Pet Sematary]
Jud: we’ll rest here, but there’s a… a place further on, it’s got power
Me: how much further on
Jud: three miles
Me: *finger guns* no thank you
[I chuck my dead cat into the woods and go home]

@AlyT81

Flash mobs are so not what I thought. Now I’ve gotta go find my clothes.

@torahhorse

support small businesses like a mouse selling tiny umbrellas or even a bee selling tiny umbrellas

@Sickayduh

HER: You promised me you were over your Bruce Willis obsession.

ME: Sorry. Old habits die hard with a vengeance.

@ItsAndyRyan

[Me visiting US for the first time]

Friend: This is a dollar store
Me: Why’s it called that?
Friend: Cos everything costs a dollar
Me: How’s about this candy bar?
Friend: Duh, it’s a dollar
Me: Cool. OK, I’ll buy this pack of pens
Assistant: That’s $1.08