This morning I brushed my hair with an American Girl doll brush because, apparently, she is the only one in my house who puts things back where they belong.
Remember when we used to say “Avoid it like the plague,” assuming people would actually avoid plagues?
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I’m my own family, I say as I plow through the family-size bag of barbecue chips.
If he pauses a video game to text you, he’s probably already losing, no need to feel special or anything,
A lot of people are walking around without forks in their eyes only because I don’t carry forks around.
Petting my dog with a spatula cause I’m too lazy to reach and he is too lazy to move closer
Why is there a spatula in my room?
[we arrive at the Pet Sematary]
Jud: we’ll rest here, but there’s a… a place further on, it’s got power
Me: how much further on
Jud: three miles
Me: *finger guns* no thank you
[I chuck my dead cat into the woods and go home]
Flash mobs are so not what I thought. Now I’ve gotta go find my clothes.
support small businesses like a mouse selling tiny umbrellas or even a bee selling tiny umbrellas
HER: You promised me you were over your Bruce Willis obsession.
ME: Sorry. Old habits die hard with a vengeance.
[Me visiting US for the first time]
Friend: This is a dollar store
Me: Why’s it called that?
Friend: Cos everything costs a dollar
Me: How’s about this candy bar?
Friend: Duh, it’s a dollar
Me: Cool. OK, I’ll buy this pack of pens
Assistant: That’s $1.08