@mommajessiec
This morning I brushed my hair with an American Girl doll brush because, apparently, she is the only one in my house who puts things back where they belong.
@SbethCaplin
Remember when we used to say “Avoid it like the plague,” assuming people would actually avoid plagues?
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@mommajessiec
@AndreyasAsylum
I’m my own family, I say as I plow through the family-size bag of barbecue chips.
@naderdagher
If he pauses a video game to text you, he’s probably already losing, no need to feel special or anything,
@SaltyCorpse
A lot of people are walking around without forks in their eyes only because I don’t carry forks around.
@PascalSloths
Petting my dog with a spatula cause I’m too lazy to reach and he is too lazy to move closer
Why is there a spatula in my room?
@living_marble
[we arrive at the Pet Sematary]
Jud: we’ll rest here, but there’s a… a place further on, it’s got power
Me: how much further on
Jud: three miles
Me: *finger guns* no thank you
[I chuck my dead cat into the woods and go home]
@AlyT81
Flash mobs are so not what I thought. Now I’ve gotta go find my clothes.
@torahhorse
support small businesses like a mouse selling tiny umbrellas or even a bee selling tiny umbrellas
@Sickayduh
HER: You promised me you were over your Bruce Willis obsession.
ME: Sorry. Old habits die hard with a vengeance.
@ItsAndyRyan
[Me visiting US for the first time]
Friend: This is a dollar store
Me: Why’s it called that?
Friend: Cos everything costs a dollar
Me: How’s about this candy bar?
Friend: Duh, it’s a dollar
Me: Cool. OK, I’ll buy this pack of pens
Assistant: That’s $1.08