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I bet dogs have a really hard time playing Twister
Left paw: grey
Other left paw: darker grey, but not the darkest grey. Sort of in between
i miss the suez canal boat. you know the one
I wonder what part of the cow is the Salisbury?
first you must answer his riddles
Me: Its a bear! Quick play dead!
*falls down and covers himself with leaves*
Her: We’re in a zoo!!
My phone says “missed calls”. Which is an odd description for something I watched happen.
Whenever I see a photo of a baby captioned “this little guy is going to change the world”, I just imagine that baby committing various crimes.
Robocop seems pretty cocky for a guy that can’t swim.
I’ve updated my will…
“Being of sound mind, I spent it all.”
“One day, I will create a global business-oriented social networking service”
– Abraham LinkedIn
My family takes turns with who hosts Thanksgiving each year. When it was my cousin’s first time to host, she put the turkey in the oven, but forgot to turn the oven on. She was taken out of the hosting rotation. Brilliant.
I eat my corn on the cob like an old-school typewriter. This is how the 80’s cartoons taught me to do it as a kid.
[blind date]
HER: I love the fall
ME {trying to impress her}: Lucifer had it coming
me: ahh vacation
brain: time to relax
me: no work
brain: well it’s still there
me: stop
brain: just… waiting
me: please
brain: g r o w i n g
me: no
(watching The Exorcist) She gets to miss so much school
*first day as a cop*
What if they arrest me back
I’m not a womanizer! They were all women when I found them!
[just meeting a new group of people]
My brain: say something cool and different
Me: HOW YA’LL GOT??
Brain: nice
If you’re 25 please stop saying you’re tired. I have bananas older than you.
Random Company: “Why would you like to work for our company?”
Me: “Well sir/madam, I’ve grown very fond of eating and having a roof over my head and I don’t want to lose that.”
If Donald Trump becomes President,
The rest of us should be able to just walk into any hospital & start working as doctors
Better names for porcupines:
Needle Beaver
Battlepig
Hurty Squirrel
Flail Monster
Cactus Rat
Capy-scare-uh
Death otter
Revenge Possum
They should really replace, “I now pronounce you man and wife” with “FINISH HIM!!”
me: why’d you pull me over?
cop: I think you know why
me: it’s my eyes isn’t it
cop: …
me: *sigh* they’re hazel
cop: so mysterious
Cop: license and registration
Me: that won’t be necessary officer
*places a glazed donut in his pocket
Me, walking out of a store: *wow all these dudes are staring at ME? A middle aged mom? Ok. Yeah. Sure. I mean I guess I’m still hot maybe, ok yeah good for me*
Me, an hour later: *ok so I tucked my dress into my underwear a few hours ago I see that now NEVERTHELESS*
Ouija™ board by Milton Bradley – because if anyone can bridge the gap between the living and the dead, it’s the folks who brought you Hungry Hungry Hippos.
Directions: Allow food to sit and cool for five minutes before eating.
Me: No.
Laughed hysterically and said “Oh yes, please do” after the pizza shop guy asked if he could put the sauce in my box. I think I scared him.
*feeding 2 stray dogs spaghetti*
WTF KISS ALREADY