Remember when you could strangle people with your phone? Those were the days..
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To stay safe in a fire, remember the acronym “DBOF”:
Don’t
Be
On
Fire
“Dude go make the first move on her!”
“Okay fine, but I’m not too sure what I’m doing.”
*approaches girl*
“Knight to f3”
FRIEND: Don’t come on strong.
{Later}
DATE: Want to try some of my soup?
ME: The spoon is too heavy.
If I won the lottery, I wouldn’t go nuts. Probably buy some printer ink, and with what was left over, maybe an avocado.
horse: these pants fit me perfectly
sales clerk: very good sir
horse: *quietly* I’ll need two pairs
sales clerk: *discretely* of course
Guys who resent their friends for not sharing their hair products are gel less.
DISNEY EXEC: So we’re going to remake 101 Dalmatians
ME: *hand shoots up*
EXEC: NOT with velociraptors
ME: *hand drops down*
Hang on guys. My boyfriend told me not to be anxious, so I expect to feel better any moment.
“I gave that guys wife a pearl necklace”
-Oysters
My 4yo niece: “You’re fat”
Me: “Santa died”
Don’t let people tell you that you can’t give up. You totally can. I do it all the time.
[Day 1 of the Olympics]
Me: I really liked that twisty turny thing he did[Day 10 of the Olympics]
Me: his quad toe loop was a bit under roatated don’t you think Johnny?
Johnny Weir: you’re not allowed in here
The leading method of suicide in Albania is attempting to kidnap Liam Neeson’s daughter.
That awkward moment when you lazily follow someone cos of 1 funny joke, then realize all the rest of their stuff is KKK recruitment material
GAME SHOW HOST: Dave, welcome to Embarrass Yourself For Little To No Gain. Are you ready?
ME: Buddy, I’ve been training my entire life for this.
my cat is wearing a cone & has learned to scoop up his food and let it slide into his mouth and it’s giving me serious ideas, folks
Wait…the “S” in ASAP doesn’t stand for “Slowly?”
Shit.
This has cost me 27, maybe 28 jobs.
Gym employee: Sorry ma’am, but to cancel your membership you have to come in & fill out paperwork.
Me:*sigh* FINE. Where are you located?
When I’m feeling old, I like to visit my parents so they can push all my buttons until I lose my shit and just like that, I’m 16 again
7YR OLD: dad, when Bruno Mars sings “so many pretty girls around me & they waking up the rocket,” what’s he mean?
ME: he’s a NASA scientist
F: Why do we even have toenails anyway? It’s not like we can pick our nose with them.
Me: speak for yourself
I bet the worst part about being a birthday cake is when you’re set on fire, and then eaten by the hero that saved you.
Me: [on a scale] What? How did I gain weight?
Friend: Didn’t you eat Taco Bell for each meal everyday last week?
Me: Uh, yeah, as a *joke*
adulthood means having ice cream for dinner and regret for dessert
Garlic and bread is the only marriage I truly have faith in.
I’m not religious until you need help moving on a Sunday.
ME: What do you want for our anniversary?
WIFE: Oh I saw this cute little alligator brooch
ME: Ok
WIFE: You’re not going to write it down
ME: Nah, I’ll remember
[later]
WIFE {opening package}: Crocs?
Waiter: Is Pepsi ok?
Pepsi: I’m fine.
It’s settled. I’m measuring everything in comparison to the size of an American alligator.