Remember: when you kiss someone’s elbow, you’re also kissing the gut of every person they’ve ever elbowed.
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Middle aged happiness is discovering that the next load of laundry to fold is just 8 bath towels and not 46 pieces of small human clothes.
I drive my brother’s BMW because I can only afford to borrow a midlife crisis.
My dad, leaning on the fence at the edge of the diamond: GO TO FIRST BASE. GET TO FIRST BASE
Me, enjoying a picnic with my date: dad please
I hate dealing with fresh garlic. Each individual clove with their little f***ing paperwork.
Logic says the screw I dropped should be somewhere by my feet, but science says it’s under the couch in the other room.
Is it okay for men to sit down to pee? The manager of this sofa store doesn’t seem to think so.
Why was Darth Vader referred to as Lord Vader?
Because calling him Master Vader made all the Stormtroopers giggle.
Me: if you tell me how many cookies are in this jar, you can have them all.
She: you ate them all didn’t you?
Me: and we have a winner.
There’s a reason when we have to smile for a photo we say “cheese,” and not “salad.”
Kid: I don’t like cheese
Also kid: why isn’t there cheese in my sandwich?
Doctor: It’s really not that bad. I’ll get you fixed up with 8 stitches.
Me, uninsured: Do I hear 5 stitches?
Sometimes you’re Godzilla, sometimes you’re Tokyo
You know who DOES see something wrong with a little bump n’ grind?
Trevor in human resources.
[my first day hosting shopping channel]
“for those of you who love coconut, boy do we have a product for you”
[holds up a coconut]
Critical people b like: I’m not critical, I can just see faults better.
Since they added those little mirrors on the ATM, I now get to see what having insufficient funds looks like on my face.
I dont know about you guys, but I am amazed Pringles is able to constantly grow the same shaped potato. Science.
Me: *eating a cinnamon roll*
3yo: Mommy, I want you to share like a good girl. Sharing is a good thing. *proceeds to take a bite of my food*
Fear not, ugly caterpillar. For one day you will become a beautiful butterfly
[emerges from cocoon]
AH WTF I’M A MOTH THIS IS BULLSHIT
I’m going to take all of your tweets that make absolutely zero sense and combine them to make a Red Hot Chili Peppers song
Cop: Lets go, boys, no meth in this house.
*zoom to fish tank*
Fish 1: *nods*
Fish 2: [taps on pirate ship] Resume cooking, Lenny.
*bubbles*
Yes indeed, I am a morning person. Morning naps are my favorite
North Korea claiming they test fired a big rock at Russia.
I will not be participating in the end of daylight savings time on the grounds that setting my clock back will add an hour to 2020.
“Age is just a number”
…so is your credit score, your weight, the balance in your bank account
[Jail]
INMATE: I killed a guy.
SCOOBY DOO VILLAIN: I got caught trying to haunt an old warehouse by a bunch of teenagers and a talking dog.
If you see my wife at the store, tell her to put some of that stuff back.
I got IDd last night, but as I was rummaging around in my purse for my ID, the dude saw my checkbook and said “nevermind” 😭😒🤣 FIRST OF ALL