@JohnHilsen

Remember: when you kiss someone’s elbow, you’re also kissing the gut of every person they’ve ever elbowed.

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@itsPKav

my body type can best be described as “the more the merrier”

@jbfan911

My siblings had a fight once and it went like this
Tyler: “Anything that comes out of your mouth is stupid!”
Sam: “Tyler.”

To this day I still laugh out loud in inappropriate settings because I randomly think of it.

@theroyaltramp

IT’S OFFENSIVE WHEN YOU PEOPLE ARE GENUINELY SURPRISED TO LEARN I’M A VERY NICE PERSON.

@Ivsy01

People who try to beat you when walking into a store. No.

@PoodleSnarf

Teacher: Name the five senses

Me: Uh lessee, touch,
uhm…taste…gimme a sec. Uhm whimsy…uh- balance… and fashion

Teacher:

Me: *counting on fingers* What?

@CornOnTheGoblin

[gathers around casket and see’s it’s full of gatorade] uh oh, then that means
[grandma’s body is being dumped over the winning coach]

@Sal0630

I was close to becoming a rap god. But then 1 day my mom licked her thumb to wipe a smudge off my face as a kid & ruined all my street cred.

@chuuew

ME: [running for my flight]

PILOT: [leaning out cockpit window] JUST GIVE UP