Remember when you were 16 in drama class and you were like “Pfft. Whatever, I’ll never use this” and then your parents open their now empty liquor cabinet and you had to be like “Forsooth! What treachery has befallen my family?”
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I’ve been waiting for the perfect time to change my Netflix password so my ex can’t use it anymore and it doesn’t really get much better than a national lockdown
I make all guests at my house leave their phones at the door just because I know they’ll leave quicker that way.
Calm down, I’m only asking for your last name because I want to check how well it pairs with the baby names I have picked out for our kids.
Sometimes I look at my kids and marvel at how brilliant they are, other times my 5 year old puts on a clean shirt without taking the dirty one off first.
My son just let a girl “borrow” his hoodie.
Should I tell him now or let him learn?
If a recipe does not call for cheese, I’m gonna assume they forgot it and add an entire large bag. Well 3/4 of bag cause I ate some of it.
Ok Brazil, this would be a time when it’s ok to bite an opponent.
non-fungible…that’s when you’re allergic to mushrooms right?
You learn something every day
If I’ve said it once, I’ve said it a thousand times: “I can’t keep track of how often I say things.”
I used to be in baton twirling when I was younger I was terrible at it but I don’t care it stays on my resumé nonetheless
3-in-1 shampoo/conditioner/KFC gravy
Oops, I ate my feelings again.
~ a memoir
mowed ⅓ of the lawn before my body remembered I haven’t exercised in 40 years
If someone ever asks you to show up naked underneath a trench coat at their hotel…make sure you get the room number right.
here’s a life hack for you dieters out there. if you bury food in the ground and then dig it up, that food is a vegetable now.
Me: Anyone absent today?
Child: Nope….But 5 students were home sick.Only the finest education for my babies, folks…..
Pilot is one of the few jobs where you can get fired for going above and beyond
[robber breaks into my house] i always knew you’d come for me, my darling. where are you going
Everyone at my funeral gets a baseball bat, the last one standing gets all my stuff.
Yesterday 9 asked what’s the meaning of life and 6 punched him, but that was yesterday when I was on acid. Numbers don’t usually talk to me.
[5am]
Cat: *retching in the hallway*
Me: *tired moan*
My dog: *kisses my forehead* I’ll go.
My 7 year old’s Christmas wish list includes:
– a typewriter
– a boom box for his cassettes
– a book to learn cursive handwriting
– fountain pensWhat year does he live in??
My wife told me to get a real job or pack my bags!
What an idiot! Who threatens someone with a vacation???
According to the 2nd law of thermodynamics, when parents relax, children must increase the amount of disorder in the universe to compensate.
Apparently “working from home” means “dear God why can’t I stop eating”.
If you wear a ship’s captain’s hat around, people will just do what you say. I run a Starbucks, a Target, a submarine, and two street gangs.
[watching kids make snowman]
Me: Hey honey, do you still keep that thing hidden in your dresser?
Wife: Yes…why?
Me (pointing): I don’t think that’s a carrot they used for his nose…
ME DURING BRITISH BAKE OFF EPISODE 01: so they just bake?
ME DURING BRITISH BAKE OFF EPISODE 10: alice better mind the claggy weather if she’s to produce a biscuit with a proper snap after disappointing paul with an garish proof on her loa