When a girl tells u about her favorite animal – “I’d eat one” is not the right response.
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Me: clutter makes me want to burn this house to the ground
Also me: there are still 3 drops of shampoo in this bottle, better save it in case of emergency
Never tell a woman you’re infatuated with her. All she’ll hear is “fat”.
Did you know that by today’s standards Marilyn Monroe would be considered dead?
My daughter has decided singing happy birthday to her is punishable by death
Maternity confirmed
I eat all 8 spiders in January so i don鈥檛 have to eat any for the rest of the year.
Grim Reaper: You know why I’m here.
Me: Heavy drinking? Unhealthy diet? Texting and driving?
GR: You should’ve forwarded that chain email.
Her: (emerges from the sea, beach waves glistening in the sunshine)
Me: (washes ashore topless looking like Sigmund the Sea Monster)
I will never think of rock paper scissors the same way again.
In case anyone was wondering. I only missed 2 words this week on my 3rd graders practice spelling test.
4th grade will be tough for us. Please say a prayer.
the 1000 IQ baby who kills itself at 1 year old
I can’t wait to get married and not invite ppl who thought they were coming
Once an octopus figures out how to do roundhouse kicks, humans are pretty much done
HER: i鈥檓 leaving you
ME: is it because i get angry wrong?
HER: yes
ME: *balling toes* this is delightful
Dear Captchas,
I swear I’m not a robot, just really *really* stupid
Me: I’m gonna search the periodic table for relief from my cramps haha get it?
Him: Actually there are elements that can help. Magnesium for example is calming and-
Me: What’s the symbol for arsenic?
[A pair of crocs sitting on a riverbank]
Why do you think people hate us so much?
“Idk. I blame the idiots who wear us with socks.”
My eyelashes are like windshield wipers on my sunglasses.
馃寭馃寧馃尀 <– lunar eclipse
馃寧馃寭馃尀 <– solar eclipse
馃寧馃尀馃寳 <– apocalypse
If you put your face really close to a neck tattoo & slowly pull away, you can see a hidden design of the unemployment office.
Your Honor, these 52 selfies on my clients phone at the precise moment of the crime prove that my client can only be guilty of narcissism.
I changed my name in my daughters phone to God…just texted her and said “I saw that” You should of seen her face. Priceless
There should be an energy drink named 6 AM toddler.
I almost confused a laxative and Ibuprofen and that would have changed my plans for the evening significantly
STOP talking shit about F鈥鈥鈥鈥鈥鈥
Rachel is KIND
Monica is NURTURING
Joey is CONSIDERATE
Phoebe is TALENTED
Ross
Chandler is FUNNY
People would probably like hospitals better if they had water slides & the nurses were strippers
UNITED EMPLOYEE: Beat this guy up so we can take the thing he paid for.
LITERALLY THE POLICE: Okay
My dream job is to be a gargoyle spitting rainwater away from the foundation of a cathedral
I moved to this city ten years ago with just the money in my pocket and a debit card that gave me access to the rest of my money which was in a bank account.
[robber waving gun around in bank] nobody move a muscle
[me making eye contact with him then to the popsicle in my hand then back to him]
Considering both Bruce Wayne鈥檚 parents died and he used his inheritance to become Batman we should kill other billionaires and see what other cool shit we get