@EtobicokeErnie

Remember when you were a kid and the TV set in your basement weighed 8,000 pounds?

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@Inconsteveable

Me: “Can I leave work half an hour early?”

Boss: “Only if you make up the time.”

“OK. It’s 35 past 50.”

Boss: “Just go..”

@markydoodoo

Me, an intellectual: A spam and banana sandwich would be called a spamananawich.

@Bob_Janke

The government shut down. Monkey knife fights in my backyard in one hour BYOB

@Jarhead44

Always remember –

If you’re having a conversation with somebody that doesn’t speak English, just talk louder.

@ShortSleeveSuit

ENGINEER: and this baby will do zero to sixty in less than three seconds

ME [admiring the infant catapult]: *nods* very impressive

@Kids_kubed

(Son walks in on us.I make it under the covers.Hubs doesn’t)

9: (Half asleep) Dad why are you naked?

Him: Um..uh…I’m just setting my alarm

9: Oh. Okay. G’night. (Walks out)

Me: Really?! You know that a few years from now, he’s going to strip naked to set his alarm, right?

@audipenny

*carries 11 bags of groceries and like a whole mattress on one arm and my phone in my free hand*

@jonnysun

*paying $40 to go into a haunted house*
finally a peaceful refuge to get away from how scary the world is right now

@CornOnTheGoblin

°at Nike advertising meeting°
I need a slogan for these shoes by the end of the day. I don’t care how it gets done just do it..hold up a sec