[at dentist]
so your X-rays look grea-
*phone rings*
hold on
*on phone* a new engine? jesus, ok
so as I was saying you have several cavities
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So many brave flute players were killed by cobras in picnic baskets before one of them tried an Indian song.
Please don’t tell my kids they haven’t got a pet chameleon.
Lunatics are gonna loon.
Me: gets up, wakes kids, empties dishwasher, makes lunches, helps make kid beds, does kids’ hair, makes breakfast for everyone, showers, makes coffee, does laundry
Hubs:
[War Museum]
Cop: Ma’am, you called about some stolen torpedoes?
Me: Actually I said Doritos
Cop: *walks away
Me: THEY WERE COOL RANCH
I wonder if my bank account thinks about me and has panic attacks.
Are you even a parent if you’ve never carried your child out of a store sideways like a surfboard?
My face when someone is offended by something super offensive I said to them:
We have moved and we are trying this thing of living with minimal furniture. So if you need me I am leaning against the bathtub so that I can put on some pants furniturelessly.
I bet Lincoln is looking down like “dude, trust me, that is not a bad night in a theater”
Disney made such a big deal of kissing dead people. I kissed one dead person and now I’m no longer allowed at the morgue
if i ever get an STI, my husband and my boyfriend are gonna have a lot of explaining to do
If God sent a flood to wipe out humans for being perverts what kinda nasty shit were the dinos into?
If used correctly, Twitter can be used as an antidepressant. Just don’t take it as a suppository.
[Therapy]
Dr. Pencil: Remind me again what draws you here today?
Piece of paper: I feel like I’m always getting lead on, it’s really left its mark on me.
Dr. Pencil: Oh, that’s write.
[being axe murdered]
excuse me but perhaps you have confused me with a tree
4: MOM I NEED ANOTHER RED WINE!
Me, to the judging parents at the beach: RED VINE! She wants another licorice!!
Like I’d ever share my wine with her.
Dear Abby,
I never thought this would happen to me. Today I met a sexy woman who told me I write letters to the wrong publication.
All your most annoying Facebook friends have shared this with the caption “wow, really makes you think.
If you’re happy and you know it… wash your hands.
I had to cut my own toenails. This pandemic is bullshit.
і wіsh you could doordash people knuckle sandwіches
A missing 3YO was found inside a bowling alley claw game. After many failed attempts to get him out, police just settled on the turtle doll.
Imagine being a ghost in a school and you think no one notices you, but then one day you hear everyone talking about ‘school spirit’ and you get super pumped and think ‘man, maybe they DO know im here’ and then you find out that school spirit is a pizza lunch and jeans day
Me: I dangle gummy worms out of my bathing suit bottoms and wear a sign that says, “Early bird gets the worm.”
Priest: Super weird, but not a sin.
House for sale. Spider on ceiling.
I will walk one state over to avoid parallel parking.
[Exorcism]
Priest: What is your name?
Demon: Jim
Wife: Jim who owes us $100 or hot Jim?
Demon: Nice legs Carol
Wife: Let’s keep him. Next…
My self help-seminar, “Stop Blaming Others” canceled due to my incompetent staff.
FRODO: what is it?
SAM: if i take one more step, it’ll be the farthest away from home i’ve ever been
FRODO: *smiles* come on Sam
[literally one step later]
SAM: if i take one more step, it’ll be the farthest away from home i’ve ever been
FRODO: wait no