Remember when you were a kid and the TV set in your basement weighed 8,000 pounds?

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I went to a seafood disco last week and pulled a mussel.


My girlfriend knows every single important date in our relationship history and I know she hates olives. She loves olives? Something olives.


A car almost ran into me and I screamed “WOAHHHHHH THERE BUCKAROO”

I could have died and those would have been my last words


I started carrying a knife after an attempted mugging a few years ago.

Since then, my mugging attempts have been a lot more successful.


My daughter doesn’t know I put the last pudding cup in her lunch earlier this evening, so she won’t know I took it out and am eating it now.


When I was little and asked Mom how to spell a word she’d hand me a dictionary so when she asked how to do emojis I handed her a 13-year-old


Camping and I have a lot in common. For starters, we are both stupid.