Me: “Can I leave work half an hour early?”
Boss: “Only if you make up the time.”
“OK. It’s 35 past 50.”
Boss: “Just go..”
Remember when you were a kid and the TV set in your basement weighed 8,000 pounds?
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Me, an intellectual: A spam and banana sandwich would be called a spamananawich.
The government shut down. Monkey knife fights in my backyard in one hour BYOB
Always remember –
If you’re having a conversation with somebody that doesn’t speak English, just talk louder.
ENGINEER: and this baby will do zero to sixty in less than three seconds
ME [admiring the infant catapult]: *nods* very impressive
(Son walks in on us.I make it under the covers.Hubs doesn’t)
9: (Half asleep) Dad why are you naked?
Him: Um..uh…I’m just setting my alarm
9: Oh. Okay. G’night. (Walks out)
Me: Really?! You know that a few years from now, he’s going to strip naked to set his alarm, right?
*carries 11 bags of groceries and like a whole mattress on one arm and my phone in my free hand*
*paying $40 to go into a haunted house*
finally a peaceful refuge to get away from how scary the world is right now
HER: knock it off!
CAT: lol ok
°at Nike advertising meeting°
I need a slogan for these shoes by the end of the day. I don’t care how it gets done just do it..hold up a sec