On a ladder putting a cinema poster up.
Lady said “Is King Kong Coming?”
I said “No it’s just the paste off my brush”
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Just tell me those 3 words I am dying to hear:
“The meeting’s cancelled.”
If Spider Man eats too much fruit he squirts Silly String.
[Having a baby]
Me: That looks painful..
Wife: [grabs my shirt] TELL ME SOMETHNG I DON’T KNOW
Me: An ostrich’s eye is bigger than it’s brain
Nobody plays better together than siblings being told it’s bedtime
If I ever had to turn myself in for a crime I would tell the cops I could describe the perpetrator and then see how long it took the sketch artist to figure it out
Identify the lie(s) in my spouse’s statement:
“I just need to make a quick stop on our way out of town”
I liked Metamucil better back when it was called Facebookmucil.
My wife keeps telling me I need glasses
but I prefer to drink right out of the bottle
[sexting]
HER: I want u so bad
ME: badly
HER: what?
ME: badly…not bad…it should be an adverb
HER: you don’t sext very good
ME: you mean I don’t sext very WELL
My wife and I use the pull-out method of birth control where we pull out our phones and ignore each other every night
Me: I need to get something off my chest
My conjoined twin: I HAVE A NAME
Interviewer: what would you say is your greatest weakness?
Me: probably that I’m easily intimidated by others
I: and your greatest strength?
Me: lulling others into a false sense of superiority
Dear Captchas,
I swear I’m not a robot, just really *really* stupid
nurse: how do u rate ur pain
me: zero stars
nurse:
me: would not recommend
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: I brought a girl home last night
911: That’s not an-
Me: NOW SHE WON’T LEAVE!
*swat team busts down my door*
Do you ever get shampoo in your eyes and wonder what the name of your guide dog will be?
It has come to my attention that I may be the only person in the world that keeps gloves in my glove box.
moderator: your word is “impatient”
sloth: can you use it
moderator: in a sentence yes “i am growing imp-“
sloth: in a
moderator: you know what close enough *ding*
sloth: oh great thank you
moderator: what the
Earth? yeah, I’d hit that -meteor
Me: You never told me you were on the debate team in college..
Her: Yes I did.
Me: No you didn’t.
Her: Yes I did.
Me: Oh you’re good!
Kid in grocery store walks past me and points “Mommy look, that’s a BIG Mommy!”
It’s called TALL, you little shit.
*yells from space*
Did you kill that spider?!
Teachers call it “Going to the bathroom”. We call it “I’m bored, I’m gonna go wander around school.”
People on Twitter trying to one-up you in the comments like:
“Oh, someone close to you died? Well I’m in the process of saying my last wor-“
That’s disgusting! Where did you learn to do that?! Don’t wipe boogers on Mommy’s pillow!
Wipe it on Daddy’s
Whoever said “There is nothing as precious as a child’s laughter” obviously never fell down a flight of stairs in front of his kids.
do you know who else makes a Big Mac using all 54 ingredients so I don’t have to
*interrupts eulogy*
SOMEONE SAID THAT ALMOST WORD FOR WORD AT THE LAST FUNERAL
Him: Can you forgive me?
*mental montage of me trying to figure out who this guy is*
Me: Yes, but I’m really hurt so please give me time.