@TheTobbie

Remember when you were at a friend’s house & their folks fought & you didn’t know where to look? It’s how I get when Glee does a rap song…

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@mattZillaaaa

[street fight]

Come at me bro!!

*guy rips off his shirt revealing bulging muscles

*I rip off my shirt revealing another shirt & run away

@ClichedOut

Her: You look great without glasses

Me: I don’t wear glasses

Her: *putting them back on* I do

@jswilliams1962

Dear Prudence,

We missed out flight when the TSA discovered my musket hidden in my carry on bag.

Also, I couldn’t get my cell phone to charge because electricity hasn’t been invented yet.

#RevolutionaryWarAirports

@notalogin

Dog: I’m a man’s best friend, he even named one of his teeth after me.
Pussycat: Yeah, you’re not gonna win this one.

@therealeatwood

ME: Stop hemming and hawing

DONKEY TAILOR: [with quiet dignity] Sir, you may take your business elsewhere

@gvicks

Women’s magazine
Page 14: accept yourself as you are
Page 15: how to lose 5 Kg in 2 weeks
Page 16: best cake recipes ever..

@man_spach

My Ebola outbreak brings the CDC to the yard and they’re like, sir that’s just irritable bowel syndrome.

@007Pepe_Rex

My cat is bilingual. He ignores me in both English and Spanish.