How to make a grown man cry.
Take him shopping with you.
Remember when you were small & all you wanted was a pony but your parents were high on meth & thought the house was already full of ponies?
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“Be strong” I whisper to my coffee.
Pal: my advice for your date is, make her think you’re well travelled, girls love it!
Me: Guess how many buses it took me to get here
will you marry me?
“OMG YES! I love you!!!”
*imagines typing only 4 characters for ‘wife’ instead of ‘girlfriend’ on Twitter*
I love you too
date: wanna try some of my cheesecake?
me: no thanks, i don’t eat dairy
date: are you lactose intolerant?
me, terrified my skeleton will become too strong and escape: haha yeah that’s it
Ann: I wanna break up
A: you use time travel to manipulate me
E: when, exactly, did you start to suspect this?
A: well… Hey!
I appreciate it when someone tells me to just “get over it” when I’m depressed. It gives me a chance to exercise my grave digging skills.
“did you ever get married?”
[wife looks around her old gym at high school reunion and sees me debating if I can touch the rim] no
I need a draft folder for my mouth.
me: I want to hide in a cake for my wife’s birthday
clerk: ok what about this one
me: yeah nice nice and she definitely won’t find me?