@Breadery

Remember when you were small & all you wanted was a pony but your parents were high on meth & thought the house was already full of ponies?

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@kimtopher22

Sorry I’m late, I’ve been taking an elastic band out of my hair for the last three days.

@Iwriteforcats

Cats make the best boyfriends because they’re soft, loyal, and won’t claim they’re straight but then turn gay after one lousy date, BRENT!

@ElleOhHell

Damn girl, are you a maple tree? Cause I would tap that, and you have an impressive root structure which is where this metaphor falls apart.

@dannyschof81

nothing worse than an american ‘alcoholic’ who enters rehab because they drink in a month what a normal british person would on a two hour train journey.

@mugkip

“DOC TELL ME STRAIGHT”
doc: u got lou gherrigs disease
*cops barge in* ur under arrest
“FOR WHAT”
cop: mr gherrig reported a missing disease

@daemonic3

Mario! Are you coming to save me from Bowser’s Castle?

PEACH I MIGHT BE

@adrianmyreality

The state parks in NJ are opening today, but the bathrooms will be closed. I’m still staying home, too much anxiety worrying about where to go if I gotta take a shit.

@Cali_Kid_Mike

“You clean up nicely”, is just a polite way of saying, “You usually look like shit.”