Sometimes I put a vase of flowers outside to let other flowers know that if they try to be prettier than me, I’ll cut their legs off too.
Remember when you were small & all you wanted was a pony but your parents were high on meth & thought the house was already full of ponies?
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“Hello this is your captain speaking. I have fallen out of the plane yikes lol. Very impressed with the range on this Bluetooth headset tho”
“Curiosity killed the cat”, only it’s me looking up my symptoms on the internet.
Humans: we’re not like snakes
Also Humans: mmmm eggs
[America’s Got Talent]
Howie: so how long have you been juggling chainsaws?
Me: actually *lights them on fire* this will be my first time
I wear a ski mask to bed so if there’s a home invasion the intruder will think I’m part of the team.
“He’s a jerk. I’m over him anyway.
(5 minutes later)
Ooh, he texted! I want to have his babies!”
So I neutered my car yesterday
Neutered my car
It’s another word for fixed
“I wish I never gave you that thesaurus”
I’m a mom so that means I have to clean the shower while I’m taking one.
If the first rule of fight club is not talking about fight club, how did fight club ever get off the ground?