Remember when you were small & all you wanted was a pony but your parents were high on meth & thought the house was already full of ponies?

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Sorry I’m late, I’ve been taking an elastic band out of my hair for the last three days.


Cats make the best boyfriends because they’re soft, loyal, and won’t claim they’re straight but then turn gay after one lousy date, BRENT!


Damn girl, are you a maple tree? Cause I would tap that, and you have an impressive root structure which is where this metaphor falls apart.


nothing worse than an american ‘alcoholic’ who enters rehab because they drink in a month what a normal british person would on a two hour train journey.


doc: u got lou gherrigs disease
*cops barge in* ur under arrest
cop: mr gherrig reported a missing disease


Mario! Are you coming to save me from Bowser’s Castle?



The state parks in NJ are opening today, but the bathrooms will be closed. I’m still staying home, too much anxiety worrying about where to go if I gotta take a shit.


“You clean up nicely”, is just a polite way of saying, “You usually look like shit.”