@Breadery

Remember when you were small & all you wanted was a pony but your parents were high on meth & thought the house was already full of ponies?

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@3_livi

How to make a grown man cry.
Take him shopping with you.

@davidkenny100

Pal: my advice for your date is, make her think you’re well travelled, girls love it!

Later
Me: Guess how many buses it took me to get here

@weenbeans

will you marry me?
“OMG YES! I love you!!!”
*imagines typing only 4 characters for ‘wife’ instead of ‘girlfriend’ on Twitter*
I love you too

@tiemoose

date: wanna try some of my cheesecake?

me: no thanks, i don’t eat dairy

date: are you lactose intolerant?

me, terrified my skeleton will become too strong and escape: haha yeah that’s it

@living_marble

Ann: I wanna break up
Ed: why?
A: you use time travel to manipulate me
E: when, exactly, did you start to suspect this?
A: well… Hey!

@bornmiserable

I appreciate it when someone tells me to just “get over it” when I’m depressed. It gives me a chance to exercise my grave digging skills.

@murrman5

“did you ever get married?”
[wife looks around her old gym at high school reunion and sees me debating if I can touch the rim] no

@MarfSalvador

[bakery]

me: I want to hide in a cake for my wife’s birthday

clerk: ok what about this one

me: yeah nice nice and she definitely won’t find me?