Remember when you were small & all you wanted was a pony but your parents were high on meth & thought the house was already full of ponies?

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What’s the statute of limitations when you think of a comeback for an insult? Please say 17 years.


Me: I’ll drink to that!

Person who brought me to church: [whispers] We usually just say “Amen.”


My least popular conspiracy theory is that orchestra conductors don’t actually do anything. Some guy just shows up and says “okay I’mma direct you” and the musicians play the same but treat it like a Make-a-Wish thing and are like, “That’s great, bud, you’re directing so good!”


Mob Boss: I need you to smoke this guy.

Me: Ok, that takes 8-12 hours for a turkey though.

Mb: I don’t care just get it done.


Yes, Kiddo drank her carrot juice, if by “drank,” we mean surreptitiously pouring it into my Boston fern.


I cuss around my kids so they understand proper useage, timing and inflection. Vocabulary is power.


My wife agreed to a water birth, so I’m setting up a slip’n slide in the front yard right now. I’m gonna wait at the end & catch him.


Me: I love my friends. Their interests? Incredible. Their tastes? Impeccable. I would die for them. If there’s a single thing they asked of me I literally could not possibly hesitate

Friend: Hey check out this cool song

Me: Haha cool maybe