Remember when you were small & all you wanted was a pony but your parents were high on meth & thought the house was already full of ponies?
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Just got a cramp in my side so that’ll teach me for getting off the couch.
Hey, hey…calm down please. Stop crying. I think all babies are ugly, not just yours.
him: my dad left when I was younger, around 7
me: before rush hour, smart move
The first rule of Oedipus Club: mum’s the word.
Me: *crying*
Tween: *crying*
Husband: I thought you two were doing math homework together.
Me: We are.
Just opened my water bill and my electricity bill at the same time…
I was shocked.
THEM: where are you from
ME: canada
THEM: no, where are you FROM from
ME: ooohh…! canada
THEM: no, like what’s your background
ME: oooh…!
[shows them my phone background]
I’m perfectly happy to listen to the opinion of anyone who agrees with me.
cop: [making list of animals that escaped]
zookeeper: “the tigers should be your top priority”
cop: [scribbling out ducks] “obviously”
“I can’t believe putting bears in charge of the hospital administration system didn’t work out. They just kept eating all the patients!”
“Maybe we should let the bears choose the doctors?”
“And run the hospital cafeteria!”
“More bear involvement is obviously the answer!”
Tried out a new set of long handled surgical forceps.
In lesser news, It turns out that I didn’t need that toenail after all.
single because i didn’t forward that chain mail in 2008
GOOD COP: Tell us what you know
BAD COP: Or we’ll turn up the heat
DAD COP: DON’T YOU TOUCH THAT DAMN THERMOSTAT
I just saw my dad screenshot all by himself,they grow up so fast
First person to build a clock had no idea how long it took.
Coffee for people with no kids
“Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Waldo, Not Waldo”–Where’s Waldo Audiobook
Me: Your wifi isn’t working
Dad: Well, it’s right next to you!
Me: Yes it’s obviously something I’m doing wrong. I’ll wifi harder
*fills the ice tray once*
I’M THE ONLY ONE WHO DOES ANYTHING IN THIS PLACE
Friend: Take my advice, girls love guys with pets
*later*
Me:*holding a snake to date’s face* his name -stop screaming- his name is Carl.
GF: every time we fight you start interpretive dancing
*i dance beautifully for 12 minutes*
GF: I DONT KNOW WHAT THAT MEANS!
“We all have two lives. The second begins when you realize you only have one.”
~ Tom Hiddleston
Brit friend: Ugh. Brexit is a disaster. How are things over there?
Me: We”re in a ketchup war with Canada.
I remember when you could order a sandwich without having to identify all the traffic lights first
Going to couples therapy with my alibi until we make it work because I’m not giving up on this relationship.
If I’m busy and see an interesting article, I open it in a new tab, read the first paragraph, and later, when I have time, close the tab
Idc how bad my relationship is I’m not calling no mf radio station for advice😭
Groom: Dude, the invitation was for Gandalf the Grey.
Gandalf: Oh, it’s Gandalf the White now.
Bride: [fuming]
Gandalf: [looks fabulous]
*hitler leans in close to the mic* and the next person to question me gets executioned
*grammar nazi bites lip*