@Breadery

Remember when you were small & all you wanted was a pony but your parents were high on meth & thought the house was already full of ponies?

You Might Also Like

@Elizasoul80

Sometimes I put a vase of flowers outside to let other flowers know that if they try to be prettier than me, I’ll cut their legs off too.

@Fred_Delicious

“Hello this is your captain speaking. I have fallen out of the plane yikes lol. Very impressed with the range on this Bluetooth headset tho”

@sliver_of

“Curiosity killed the cat”, only it’s me looking up my symptoms on the internet.

@LeBearGirdle

[America’s Got Talent]

Howie: so how long have you been juggling chainsaws?

Me: actually *lights them on fire* this will be my first time

@ReelQuinn

I wear a ski mask to bed so if there’s a home invasion the intruder will think I’m part of the team.

@MoistPork

“He’s a jerk. I’m over him anyway.

(5 minutes later)

Ooh, he texted! I want to have his babies!”

-Women

@Kyle1092

So I neutered my car yesterday

“You, what?”

Neutered my car

“…”

It’s another word for fixed

“I wish I never gave you that thesaurus”

@wendchymes

I’m a mom so that means I have to clean the shower while I’m taking one.

@jollyrobber

If the first rule of fight club is not talking about fight club, how did fight club ever get off the ground?