Remember when you were watching zombie movies and you thought wow, there’s no way real people could be this stupid?
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If he’s a nice guy and treats you well, does it really matter what colour his Maserati is?
Me: Look pal, I’m not some princess that needs to be rescued, ok?
Bagger: Ma’am, we help everyone with their groceries.
Me: Fine! One date.
*Rubs lamp*
*Nothing happens*
Where’s the genie?
*Takes off lampshade*
What’s wrong with this thing?
I swallowed a Ice Cube and I haven’t pooped it out yet, I’m really scared you guys.
My kid got so bored he asked to do chores, so if you need me, I’ll be over here on my fainting couch
He pulls a gun and demands my wallet
I slowly pull down my t-shirt collar, revealing a shark-tooth necklace
Trembling, he backs away slowly
People my age or older than me or younger than me are the worst.
You can sing along to a good song in my car as long as you don’t take lead vocals. Just accept that you’re a background singer or get out.
Did I save this free pizza promo code or did it just save me?
I got plans this weekend. Release the sundresses!!!!
Very irritated daughter stomping all over the porch…
Me: What’s the problem?
Her: Dad asked me to bring him a Phillips screwdriver AND ALL WE HAVE ARE STANLEYS!!!!
Chihuahua is my favorite pet that is also the sound I make during a bikini wax.
Maybe my grandma stayed married for 50 yrs because she never said stuff like “I just wish he would support me, you know, creatively.”
A vanilla latte w soy milk is technically a 3 bean soup but none of yall are ready to talk about that huh??
I walked a girl home last night, and things got a little awkward at one point.
She turned around and found out I was walking her home.
Guys, the server commented on my healthy appetite as she was clearing my plate. It’s okay to eat her too, right? I didn’t have breakfast.
Me: On today’s episode of Inside the Actor’s Studio….apartment….
Ryan Reynolds: How did you get in here?
Anjelica Huston got married to the inventor of autocorrect and now her legal name is Ageless Ice Houseboat.
Me: *nods in agreement
Narrator: in reality Mike had no clue what she was talking about
ME: I dreamed about you last night
PIZZA DELIVERY GUY: please just sign your receipt so I can leave, sir
[museum]
Wheres the dinosaur bone exhibit?
“through that door”
Thank you very ruff!
“What’d you say?”
*2 dogs fall out of trench coat & run*
I’m not smiling because I like you, I’m smiling because I’m imagining a piano landing on your head.
My daughter decided to put press on nails before a cooking party so I’m really looking forward to the crunchy cake she brings home.
Gonna teach a bunch of old white guys the word “bae” so teens stop thinking it’s cool and it goes away forever.
Went to praise an animal, got stuck between saying “good girl” and “good dog”, and just quietly muttered “good god” at a spaniel
I got hot wax at the car wash and now the vehicle is hairless.
I’m jealous of Eminem because my mom never made me spaghetti
I like how tinder repeats old faces you already swiped left, as though the longer you’re there the more desperate you get and the lower your standards drop until eventually you swipe them right
I’d like to live in a small town where they still do festivals, play fun games and raffles, bake pies and other delicious food, and sacrifice to the Gods..
The neighbors left a perfectly good doll at the curb with their trash and I’ve seen enough horror movies to know to leave it there.