Remember, when you’re driving in the snow, it’s important to speed up and go as fast as you can so you don’t get stuck.
You Might Also Like
*8YO arguing*
Me: I‘ll call Santa, right now and tell him…
8YO: Well I’ll call the PTA to volunteer you …
Me: You win
I love to run. Around the house. Chasing my toddler. Because she took my iced coffee.
I’ll be buried in a spring-loaded coffin stuffed w/ tons of confetti. In the future some archeologist is gonna have an awesome day at work.
James Woods is suing someone for $10,000,000 because they said he’s a coke addict. When asked why so much, Woods replied “Coke’s expensive.”
[tv announcer] Are you bloated? Tired? Unable to enjoy the activities you once loved?
[me with mouthful of chips] YEAH
King: the rebels are revolting
Rebels: wow hurtful why would you say that
King: no, no, I mea-
Rebels: why king
[tells friend cat passed away]
Is there anything I can do?
Yes [holds up fur coat] put this on & lie in my lap
But I-
[starts crying]
OK OK
Trains are great for when you need the names of towns screamed at you intermittently over a loud speaker
Yo. I spit out my drink 😂
I got about 8 seconds into explaining the Kate Middleton situation to my French husband before he told me, in the Frenchest voice imaginable, “ah yes, that’s why we decided not to have those sorts of people anymore”
Most populated places in the world:
1. China
2. India
3. United States
4. Indonesia
5. Friend Zone
6. Hell
Business plan :
1. hold sign that says “free hugs”2. Whisper during the hug, “it’s $50 to let go”
sometimes i remember i was part of the nsa hack back in spring / that all my data is currently floating around china and i’m like “cool”
Women out here dating guys with three felonies
but being a sagittarius is too much of a red flag.
*gets so drunk I grab a fish out of your fish tank and shakes it at you screaming “WHAT KIND OF DOG IS THIS?!” *
I have Buzzfeed blocked for 20 reasons: number 18 will shock you
One surefire way to get people to stop self-deprecating is to agree with them.
6yo Son: Dad, why’d you spray cologne down there when you got outta the shower?
Me: How’s ice cream for dinner sound?
Here lies a mother, her struggle was valiant but in the end the laundry pile was too big and she couldn’t claw her way out
*uses blood from wounds to write my killer’s name on the floor*
I…will be…avenged. NO! BAD DOG! DON’T LICK THAT! DADDY NEEDS JUSTICE!
Me: tis better to have loved and lost than to embarrass yourself in front of mall security
Her: WHERE THE HELL IS OUR SON
how are we gonna sell our car this year? how about a commercial where the car is driving around on roads. great work everyone time for lunch
Maid of Honor speeches shouldn’t end with, “I’ll see you all at her next one.” I know that now.
MY KID: can you do a cartwheel?
ME: not if i want to live
Be the reason someone prefers the company of animals.
colleges: i’m going to put you in so much debt you can’t even breathe
also colleges: *teary voice* what do you mean you won’t donate to our alumni fund
reminder
If at first you don’t succeed, it’s called ‘Attempted’ Murder.
Unwritten rule: if you find an unconscious security guard you have to drag him to a supply closet and change into his uniform.
[1st date]
Him: We share perfect chemistry!
Me: *but all I hear is the word “share” as I create a fortress around my nachos with my hands*