“Remember where we parked.”
-Me, to my dog.
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Even if you don’t pay, they’ll usually let you go through a car wash at least once a day without a car.
[sips martini] *sigh* [sips margarita] Now THIS ONE is delicious!
Waiter: Ma’am, you can’t try drinks on other tables. Please sit down.
(using my powers as an empath) this dungeon… it has bad vibes
In 1000 years, archaeologists will find tanning beds and think we fried people as punishments.
I just walked up three flights of stairs really fast, so if anyone needs me, I’ll be dead at the top of the stairwell.
My daughter has a middle school government test today. So I figured the best way to help her study was to weave the material into our convo when she complained this am
Winner of unnecessarily terrifying headline of the year announced:
Welcome to your fifties…
AT 10PM WE SLEEP
AT DAWN WE PEE
Took my kids’ car seats out to clean them. Found a whole box of Cheerios & 2 buckets of sand.
Now that I’m 40, I’ve had to change my safe word to ‘my knees! my knees!’
not to get all political on here but i’m pretty sure strawberry and blueberry pop-tarts taste exactly the same.
I can’t wait for the government to shut down I have some scores to settle. Big time
But wait…
Sure I’d love a long chat. Let me make you more comfortable. *slides a cactus plant between us*
who’s ready for the long weeknd?
whenever i trip a skinny girl running in only a sports bra i feel like i’m doing god’s work
I took my hair out of the messy bun and made it a less messy bun and my husband asked if I was going somewhere.
Named my hamster Spam so when he dies I can bury him in a little tin coffin with his name on it.
me: instead of a baby I think I’ll get a dog
midwife: no, you won’t
BREAKING NEWS: Man gets out of offending people by saying “present company excluded of course” after highly offensive statement
Friend: I’m surprised to see you eating a salad.
Me: *empties bag of chocolate chips over it*
My parents bought my kid Guess Who with a timer because it’s important that she learns stress at 4 years old
I can’t do this. I think I’m dying. Why does your face look like a donut?
~ me 30 minutes into dieting
You can take your favorite hat on vacation or you can take a junk hat in case you lose it. I have forgotten both.
there are three types of writers;
1) those who plot their books
2) those who discover their plot along the way
3) those who know what will happen but their book is a bit feral still, needs a bath, has bitten and will bite again
[Fancy Restaurant]
Host: May I take the lady’s coat?
Me: Please.
Host: And yours sir?
Me: *tightens belt around my karate GI* You can try.
Aliens will always remain unidentified because they’re embarrassed to be associated with us humans.
Parents, talk to your kids about drugs. Teach them organic chemistry. Obtain a research grant. Put big pharma out of business together
I have a clear conscience until a police car pulls behind me. Then I’m like “OH GOD WHAT IF I MURDERED SOMEONE DID I MURDER SOMEONE”
Trying to eat the recommended eight cups of chicken burrito bowl a day. I’ve already noticed my sleep is better, less aches and pains etc.