Could be worse. Someone could be trying to tell you that everything happens for a reason.
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I love it when Google maps takes me on a little adventure. Dirt road along the highway? Don’t mind if I do.
The me that wants to lose five pounds and the me that keeps eating cookies need to have a talk.
Nothing like 2 big dogs chasing your dog to get in some extra cardio
Weird; People in my office have started naming the food in the company fridge. Today I ate a tuna sandwich named Kevin.
me: i wish i were the most beautiful person in the world
genie: ok [snaps fingers]
me: [blushing] omg nothing has changed
genie: i tried but you’re just so ugly
Due to traffic, I didn’t show up on time for the start of my wife’s art opening and so for the rest of the evening she introduced me as her late husband.
I applied for a government job today and accidentally sent the wrong resume. This early display of incompetence should work in my favor.
Larry Hagman- dreams of Jeannie
Larry Hangman- d_ea_s _f _ea_ _ie
At some point, a guy looked at an onion that was clearly purple & called it red. AND WE’RE JUST SITTING HERE LETTING IT HAPPEN.
Fun prank: Super glue a baby to the floor and see how many people try to pick it up as they walk by
I deliberately mispronounce ‘quinoa’ and then adjust the server’s tip according to how condescending they are when they correct me.
My neighbor must be having a rough day. I caught her sneaking out her bathroom window while I was sneaking out my bathroom window.
Me: Can’t. I’m exhausted from all the CrossFit this morning.
Him: It’s pronounced ‘croissant’ & how the hell did you eat the entire dozen?!
Me: Goodnight Moon
Moon: Well hi there. I can’t hear you because I’m 240,000 miles away and sound doesn’t travel in space. Die in a fire.
Roger Clemens is pitching for a Texas team named the Sugar Land Skeeters? They sound more like an Atlanta Strip Club than a baseball team.
Me, noticing that no one responded to my email yet: “Wow, rude.”
Me, noticing that I have an email in the “Scheduled” queue in Gmail: “Oh.”
I have an idea for a website where people seeking to share their views and ideas can get together and ignore each other.
I used to wear tailored suits. Now I have “good” leggings, “grocery store” leggings and “so it’s come to this” leggings.
Every day before I leave the house, I pat myself in several places. Phone? Wallet? Keys? etc. etc.
I’ve just added a new ending to the search. I say:
Heyyyy Macarena.
WOMAN NAMED CATHY: my name is cathy
ME: ah yes short for catheter i presume
[texting]
Me: I’m over IT.
Friend: Over what?
Me: You know…IT.
Friend: IT is a pronoun that could mean anything.
Me: IT as in Information Technology.
Friend: You CAN’T be over that.
[1 week later]
Me, via handwritten letter: Well, I am.
If you eat enough ice cream
your clothes will shrink. Weeeeird.
Me: *finally understanding how change machines work* ahh ok that makes cents
Amazon just got FAA approved for drone deliveries in Texas.
So now we have skeet shooting with miscellaneous prizes.
Welcome to your 40s: you can do yard work or you can walk tomorrow, your choice.
My son just told me he’s changing his clock to military time so he can stay up later. He is not a smart boy.
My son got me some very expensive cologne for Father’s Day. I know it was very expensive because he used my credit card.
[introducing my children]
…and these cuties here are the 3 times I tried sex
Me [double-clicking a word to select it]
Microsoft Word: are you trying to select this entire sentence?
Me: no, just the one word
Microsoft Word: ok are you trying to select the entire paragraph?
Me: no, just that word…
Microsoft Word: ok I’ll just delete this entire page
[Hospital Parking Lot]
Me: I thought we were here to get your X Ray back.
Friend: Yeah *slashing tires* this is his car.