@DistractedMomma

Remember, you are faster and trickier than they are.

– Me, to myself, when I’m fighting a kid at the playground for the last swing.

You Might Also Like

@armyVet1972

1997: Skynet becomes self-aware
2029: T-1s are sent to kill Sarah Connor
2034: Warranty expires on T-1s. 99% of them break down within hours

@HehBuddy

I super glue one jar of pickles shut and leave it out at the barbecue then watch the humiliation unfold.

@AndyRichter

Doctor in lab coat peers into microscope. “Good Lord!” he says. “His burrito levels are off the charts!” – from my autopsy

@jergarl

[7am]

*drinks 19 cups of coffee for work

*can’t stay awake

[9pm]

*takes a sip of coffee

[2am]

I should vacuum the dog

@junejuly12

[Mom’s house]

Mom: I don’t know where that lovely framed photo of you went, dear, you know that one with the bouffant perm, oversized glasses, and braces

Me: *stuffing a frame-shaped object in the garbage* gosh, Mom, it’s a mystery

@MumInBits

Before quarantine my husband used to eat like 5 Doritos and then fold the bag and put it away and since we’ve been in quarantine HE STILL DOES THE SAME THING I mean has this situation taught him nothing

@bartlebytaco

if you’re a 28 year old who has snorted ketamine in an art gallery bathroom, it seems that you are not, in fact, “baby.” a baby wouldn’t do that

@clichedout

SOCIETY: if it’s sent by car let’s call it a shipment

ME: what if it’s sent by ship

SOCIETY: we’ll call that cargo

@dlockw21

I definitely thought I would have shot the lock off of something by now in my life.

@PFitzpa

Swarming gnats, but instead of annoying you, they provide compliments. “You look pretty.” “Dinner was delicious.” “Way to handle that difficult coworker, Chris. We hate her.”