@DistractedMomma

Remember, you are faster and trickier than they are.

– Me, to myself, when I’m fighting a kid at the playground for the last swing.

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@WilliamRodgers

YOU THINK CONDOMS ARE STUPID???

My 2yr old just cried for 45 minutes because the TV in our car isn’t as big as the TV in our house…

@mondaypunday

My generation acts like they invented podcasts but my mom has been leaving 40min voicemails since before the internet.

@GrandadJFreeman

That walk of shame when you fail at throwing a ball of paper into the garbage.

@ComedicBust

I asked my gf not to wear any panties in hopes of spicing things up, but she ignored me and just kept rolling around, being a watermelon.

@TheToddWilliams

[principal’s office]

“Your child’s previous school indicates you’re a bit of a helicopter parent.”

Velociraptor: That’s got to be a typo.

@SteveSuckington

[high school]

Teacher: do u have your homework?

Ryan Lochte: I was murdered last night

@GrantTanaka

the year is 2046: leggings & cargo shorts have become sentient, the world is very different but we’re all pretty comfy

@KeetPotato

never trust a person who says they don’t like chocolate, even dogs eat chocolate and it kills them

@SteveKoehler22

Staples is attempting a hostile takeover
of its rival Office Depot.

Office Depot has retaliated by
snapping rubber bands at Staples.