Remember: You are like a snowflake. Beautiful. Unique. White. Only here for a short time. People get mad when you sit on their cars.
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Me to my husband: Why do you insist on bringing that up? That was in the past.
Husband: It just happened.
Me: But it was in the past.
Husband: It was five minutes ago.
Me: In. The. Past.
Celine Dion: all by myself
CDC: good
CD: don’t wanna be, all by myself
CDC: sorry but them’s the rules
I like to people-watch, but I’m an advanced people-watcher. When I spot another people-watcher, I like to watch them watching other people.
I took the liberty of rearranging my husband’s office this week. The tears streaming down his face are all the thanks I need.
Them: Do you know who you look like?
Me: No, and I’d prefer we kept it that way.
Wife: The kids opened the “private” drawer in my nightstand.
Me: THE drawer?
Wife: Yeah.
Great. There go our Oreos.
birds really just be screaming at 5am, go make breakfast damn
I have precisely ZERO idea what people are doing when they inspect inside their egg boxes at the supermarket. But for 20 odd years I’ve dutifully opened the box, nodded appreciatively, and then put my eggs in the trolley without the faintest idea what the hell I’m doing or why.
A kid came up to me in the grocery store just now and loudly proclaimed, “Kale is my power vegetable! What’s your power vegetable?” I tried to come up with an answer but it was clear that I didn’t have one. They said, “It’s OK. I didn’t find my power vegetable until I was 6.”
[Martian welcoming party]
We’re so excited to welcome our friends from Ear—ok it’s another robot car everybody. Why do they keep doing this
Just went to the water fountain at this IKEA, only to find 2 hydrogen fountains and an oxygen fountain.
Who knew a midlife crisis could have so few convertibles and so many cats?
“wfh”
what it means: work from home
what my brain sees: what fthe hell?
Him: Parent-teacher night is next week.
Me: Will there be snacks?
Him: Does it really matter?
Me:
Him: *sighs* Yes.
Me: Okay. I’m in.
Me: When one door closes, another one opens.
Him: That explains the flies.
today a banana gave me heartburn and all i’m saying is m&ms don’t do that shit
February
20°
NW OhioIn a 2 acre parking lot, a bird manages to find my windshield.
My husband: When have I ever steered us wrong?
*Flashback to 2014*
My husband: Trust me, investing a huge chunk of our life savings in RadioShack is going to make us millionaires.
*planning the destruction of the human race
Super Computer: I will shut down all electronic devices
Cyborgs: We will fight all resisters
Toasters: You guys are amateurs…
Everyone: 2020 is gonna be my year!
Coronavirus: LOL
Björk is probably my favorite singer named after the sound a dodgeball makes
If the police don’t escort you out of Applebees then is it really a good date?
I got my daughter 3 tiny worry dolls. Each night she tells one worry to each, & puts them under her pillow.
She said they’re taking her worries away so I figured I’d try, though it’s kind of hard to get comfortable with 817 of these things beneath my head.
i would take so many bribes if i was a judge. half my shit would be bribes. take bribes from the criminals until theyre too poor to do crime
Imagine dating, falling in love, getting married, having kids, and only then realizing that the person you chose is literally incapable of whispering
GalileoGalileo, Galileo Galileo, Galileo Figaro
Uber Eats:
Food
Tip
Sales tax
Service tax
Gas tax
Just because tax
What are you gonna do about it tax
me: when the weinermobile goes through the car wash do they take the bun portion off or do they just let it get all soggy
judge: i meant questions about your life sentence
Go to a fancy restaurant. Order the lobster. Order it alive. When it comes, order food for your new pet lobster. Then take lobster home.
*cracks neck*
*grabs bat*
*finishes juice box*
Ok. I’m in.