@thelmaopong

Remember you are someone’s reason to smile.

Because you are a joke.

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@SuperApple8

All I want in life is to be cool enough to cut up slices of an apple and eat them directly from the knife.

@Westoff123

I’m going to buy a house near the St. Louis Airport and paint “Welcome to chicago” on my roof to confuse people who are about to land.

@coolgrandma98

when people leave my 15 yr old sister on read she sends them voice memos of her Screaming

@GrantTanaka

As I waved my gun in their faces, I thought to myself “What kinda weird bank has children, clowns, presents, & balloons all over the place?”

@UnFitz

Doctor: Would you like a local anesthetic?

Me: No, I’d prefer one from out of town.

@truegritrumble

MOM: Goodnight. Sleep tight. Don’t let the bedbugs bite.
ME: I’d like to see them TRY *slowly pulls katana from beneath pillow*

@stuckinaportal

regrets?

[thinks back to the time i drunkenly watched Spy Kids 3-D & it forever ruined my netflix recommendations]

yeah i’ve got regrets

@Brampersandon_

ME: revise my plea? Why?
JUDGE: read it back
RECORDER: defendant said “cauliflower is just white broccoli”
ME: *lips on mic* I stand by that

@iMikosnyc

Tonite on House Hunters: Jill wants 4 bedrooms, granite countertops and a home spa. Bob wants to be stabbed in the driveway.