Remember, you can always call your senator and leave a bloodcurdling scream.

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Twitter is an invention created by aliens so we don’t notice the period of time missing when they take us for experimentation.


If you’re dying, and have recently lost your car keys, take the opportunity, as your life flashes before your eyes, to try to spot them!


My cat is stuck in a Cheeto bag and I’m really pissed that I didn’t think of that first.


Before I take a shower: I hate it in there, the wet world is a bad place

While in the shower: I remember now that this is a good place, it is the dry world that is the enemy


Breaking Bad is my favorite documentary about what it takes to be an entrepreneur while balancing family life.


I have a friend who doesn’t drink coffee, so to stay alert at work he gets a healthy amount of sleep each night. What a loser


I just ordered a Fitbit and my bank called to see if my card was stolen.


When people say they work like a dog, I look at mine and think they must mean they just lay around all day and poop wherever they feel like.


To whoever has my old phone number: I truly hope you’re enjoying those texts from that guy I met at that thing


SON: Is it true trees kill more people than wild animals do?
[tree hiding in broom closet tenses up]
DAD: Nonsense.
[tree sighs in relief]