@louisvirtel

Remember, you can always call your senator and leave a bloodcurdling scream.

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@BoogTweets

Me: How much for the goth cucumber?

Clerk: That’s a cactus…

@Shade510

* breathing heavy and trying to keep up with the girl on the treadmill next to me

“So…what are you doing…after they…revive me?”

@jacquisneal

I respect CVS for after all these years not budging and actually making their receipts longer than ever

@craig_brimmer

Me: I signed up for the Jessica Rabbit Onlyfans. It’s only $8 a month.

Wife: That’s Disney Plus.

@ShortSleeveSuit

ME: I have a few openings today and can probably squeeze you in

PROCTOLOGIST BOSS: haha nice

ME: what

PROCTOLOGIST BOSS: ugh nothing

@McJesse

Woman on bus just pulled her mask down to cough.

@Parentpains

There’s nothing sexier than being with someone who knows exactly what they want, unless what they want is to smother you in your sleep.

@Skoog

her: *gets on knees*

me: oh yeah

her: *goes down to all fours*

me: oh yeah

her: *bends over backwards, crawls around the room and screeches praises to The Dark One*

me: oh no

@RunJeffreyRun

I just saw a guy with the Monster energy logo tattooed on his neck, so if your village is missing their idiot, we have him.