Remember, you can always call your senator and leave a bloodcurdling scream.

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John Lennon: Lucy in the sky with diamonds!

Friend: *sighing* that- that’s not how Clue works


The first time God made the universe, he skipped leg day. All men were weeping creatures, who ended in bloody torsos and begged for death.


My daughter called me “lame.” Let’s see how “lame” she thinks I am when I pick her and her friends up from the movies in a BOAT


Funny how I used to see human features in things like electrical sockets, or clouds, or my ex.


[At Wedding Ceremony]

Me: [Distributing my visiting cards] I’m a divorce lawyer


Her: OMG my feet are sooo cold, like ice!
Me: No, don’t put them on m-… gahhh!

Repeat until I die, she assures me it was in the wedding vows.


[Dinner at Arby’s]

Me: Remember our first date here? Feels like yesterday

Her: It was lunch today. Please take me home

Me: Ahh memories


I put my pants on like everyone else. Two man servants holding me in the air while a third man servant wrestles with my flailing legs.


My son just said there was too much cheese on his quesadilla. I don’t understand where I went wrong.


*At the ouija board*

Me: Err… mom? Can’t we just…

Ouija board: A-N-D A-N-O-T-H-E-R T-H-I-N-G