Remember, you can always call your senator and leave a bloodcurdling scream.
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[my 17 witnessing my wife and I kissing]
You guys have been married a long time, haven’t you had enough?
*gets out of the pool*
*gets into another pool but it’s full of rice so i can dry off*
Owls can make clicking noises with their tongues, often as part of a threat display.
🔊
Thomas Jefferson’s dad’s name was Thomas Jefferdad. Really makes you think
Daylight Saving Time starts this evening, turn your clocks forward and change smoke alarm batteries before going to bed tonight.
The worst part of Aquaman’s day is when he has to kill time on land for half an hour after eating a meal.
Wife: We need to do something with the kids
Me: I’m so glad you brought this up. Foster care is–
Wife: No, I meant an activity this afternoon
Some people aren’t just missing a screw the whole toolbox is gone
it was the best of times, it was the cursed of times
4: mom can I sing just a short song?
me: yes
4: ok its only just three hours long I promise
narrator: it was in fact, only just three hours long
What I say and what I mean are three different things.
Going to a DaBaby concert because I need some alone time, and I know no one else will be there.
[Wheel of Fortune]
Puzzle: _’_ L_ _E T_ S_ L_E T_E _ _ _ _LE
Contestant: “I’d like to solve the puzzle.”
Pat Sajak: “Okay.”
Contestant: “I’d like to solve the puzzle.”
Pat Sajak: “Okay.”
[in the world of chess]
kings: here’s a sword
bishop: what do i do with this? i can’t even run straight
I can’t wait to sleep in
My bladder: lmao
sir, my pâté if you please
*seductively mows lawn to Careless Whisper*
[during sex]
her: hurt me
me: there’s only one season of firefly
[she comes home with a doggy bag]
Her: Here, boy, I have a treat for you *sounds of the dog & I fighting to the death*
Life goals:
Age 6: Be a pirate
10: Kiss more girls
16: Be 18
21: Be rich by 30
22 – 32: *File corrupted*
33: Improve on napping
ME: [staring off into distance]
HER: what’s wrong?
M: nothing
H: talk to me
M: it’s just…that bus in Speed would’ve never made that jump
ME: Gosh it’s murderously hot today.
CLIMATE: *under breath* Shit they’re onto me.
“I’ll worry about it next time”
– me pissing off future me
Mrs. Potato Head: OH MY GOD!
Mr. Potato Head: What?
Mrs. PH: Your browser history.
Mr. PH: I can explain!
Mrs. PH: TATER TOTS YOU PERVERT?!?
Customer Service: How does the name appear on your credit card?
Me: If i had to guess, I’d say it’s 11 pt. Arial bold.
God: you’re a llama.
Llama: I look ridiculous.
God: why do you say that?
Llama: I look like a giraffe made love to a sheep.
God: that’s not true.
Llama: i’m a giraffe sheep : (
God: [under breath] more like a drama llama.
Health status:
Moved on from WebMD and now watching House for any ideas.
Me: Have a taste of your own medicine
*I force the pills the Dr. prescribed for me down his throat*
Me: WHO HAS ERECTILE DYSFUNCTION NOW?!
HR said that me trying to woo a colleague with a banjo is not what “challenge yourself in the workplace” actually meant.
Hubby: You were grumpy yesterday.
Me: So, you’re grumpy every day.
Hubby: At least I’m consistent.