@louisvirtel

Remember, you can always call your senator and leave a bloodcurdling scream.

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@TheDjinnTrials

Twitter is an invention created by aliens so we don’t notice the period of time missing when they take us for experimentation.

@WheelTod

If you’re dying, and have recently lost your car keys, take the opportunity, as your life flashes before your eyes, to try to spot them!

@PowKapowBoom

My cat is stuck in a Cheeto bag and I’m really pissed that I didn’t think of that first.

@TragicAllyHere

Before I take a shower: I hate it in there, the wet world is a bad place

While in the shower: I remember now that this is a good place, it is the dry world that is the enemy

@iamjeffsloan

Breaking Bad is my favorite documentary about what it takes to be an entrepreneur while balancing family life.

@SortaBad

I have a friend who doesn’t drink coffee, so to stay alert at work he gets a healthy amount of sleep each night. What a loser

@NurseMurderer

I just ordered a Fitbit and my bank called to see if my card was stolen.

@ForeverHairy

When people say they work like a dog, I look at mine and think they must mean they just lay around all day and poop wherever they feel like.

@lenadunham

To whoever has my old phone number: I truly hope you’re enjoying those texts from that guy I met at that thing

@flashember

SON: Is it true trees kill more people than wild animals do?
[tree hiding in broom closet tenses up]
DAD: Nonsense.
[tree sighs in relief]