@louisvirtel

Remember, you can always call your senator and leave a bloodcurdling scream.

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@smithsara79

John Lennon: Lucy in the sky with diamonds!

Friend: *sighing* that- that’s not how Clue works

@justabloodygame

The first time God made the universe, he skipped leg day. All men were weeping creatures, who ended in bloody torsos and begged for death.

@ieatanddrink

My daughter called me “lame.” Let’s see how “lame” she thinks I am when I pick her and her friends up from the movies in a BOAT

@thatdutchperson

Funny how I used to see human features in things like electrical sockets, or clouds, or my ex.

@Jerrypleasure

[At Wedding Ceremony]

Me: [Distributing my visiting cards] I’m a divorce lawyer

@JustMeTurtle

Her: OMG my feet are sooo cold, like ice!
Me: No, don’t put them on m-… gahhh!

Repeat until I die, she assures me it was in the wedding vows.

@c12h22o11balls

[Dinner at Arby’s]

Me: Remember our first date here? Feels like yesterday

Her: It was lunch today. Please take me home

Me: Ahh memories

@BucMarvin

I put my pants on like everyone else. Two man servants holding me in the air while a third man servant wrestles with my flailing legs.

@skittle624

My son just said there was too much cheese on his quesadilla. I don’t understand where I went wrong.

@_davidlucas_

*At the ouija board*

Me: Err… mom? Can’t we just…

Ouija board: A-N-D A-N-O-T-H-E-R T-H-I-N-G