Remember, you can always call your senator and leave a bloodcurdling scream.

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Me: How much for the goth cucumber?

Clerk: That’s a cactus…


* breathing heavy and trying to keep up with the girl on the treadmill next to me

“So…what are you doing…after they…revive me?”


I respect CVS for after all these years not budging and actually making their receipts longer than ever


Me: I signed up for the Jessica Rabbit Onlyfans. It’s only $8 a month.

Wife: That’s Disney Plus.


ME: I have a few openings today and can probably squeeze you in


ME: what



Woman on bus just pulled her mask down to cough.


There’s nothing sexier than being with someone who knows exactly what they want, unless what they want is to smother you in your sleep.


her: *gets on knees*

me: oh yeah

her: *goes down to all fours*

me: oh yeah

her: *bends over backwards, crawls around the room and screeches praises to The Dark One*

me: oh no


I just saw a guy with the Monster energy logo tattooed on his neck, so if your village is missing their idiot, we have him.