Remember, you can become haunted by a ghost whenever you want. You’re an adult.
You Might Also Like
[first day as a teacher]
*smashes chair on ground*
“Do I have your attention now?!?”[the lamaze class seems confused]
“PARKOUR!” – me, after tripping over nothing on the sidewalk
My 3-year old daughter said “Daddy I love you” and when I was responding “thanks I love you too” she interrupted me to be like “also I love EVERYTHING.” I’m on the same level as an air fryer
Traveler’s camo
Whoever came up with ‘the world is our oyster’ must’ve really been into mucus.
Me: My ex had a problem. He was constantly nauseous.
Friend: Actually that word is often used incorrectly. “Nauseated” describes feeling queasy. “Nauseous” means the person causes a feeling of sickness.
Me: I stand by what I said.
me: this house is making lots of creaky sounds
realtor: that just means it’s settling
my fiancee: *creaky sounds*
When you’re here for the treats.
why am I working on Labor Day
my dream is being pitted against the world’s greatest AI in a writing contest and crafting a story that’s so beautiful that I make the computer cry…
what if all high-voltage signs on doors are just a trick and there’s actually an extra woman’s bathroom inside…
Me: Flirting is fun
Me when actually flirting: OMG HOW DO I DO THIS. WHATS A WINK. IVE FORGOTTEN HOW TO BREATHE. YOUR FACE IS TIDY. HOW DO I HUMAN. HELP.
*stays up all night watching true crime murder mysteries on tv*
*can’t come up with a good alibi why I’m late for work*
2020: The Year In Review
Everyone: No
You don’t need to put “narcissist” in your bio.
This is twitter, that shit goes without saying.
My husband came home at 5:47am & wanted to know why his key wasn’t working. You don’t live here anymore. That’s why.
After dinner last night my wife brought out 5 cupcakes for dessert and said, one for every person in the family. There’s only 4 of us so I had a mini panic attack thinking we were going to have 3 kids under 4 and once she saw my face she screamed, I can’t count, I can’t count!
My morning commute was hectic today. I tripped over a dog toy and almost spilled my coffee. I made it to the couch safely though.
I mean yeah I’m middle class but not “stop stealing ketchup packets” middle class
[on my deathbed] everyone’s in here, why are the lights on in the living room?
my therapist told me to have an image to focus on when i think there is no hope
succession fans be like “the next episode is gonna be CRAZY” and the episode in question is “sign this piece of paper” “no”
chipotle guy: i didn’t charge you for the guac.
me: oh cool thanks man.
chipotle guy: no i’m saying i need your card back.
me:
chipotle guy: so i can charge you.
me:
chipotle guy: for the guac.
Biden: *picks nose*
Obama: Don’t.
Biden: *makes direct eye contact*
Obama: Joe.
Biden: *slowly brings finger to mouth*
[7 minutes in heaven]
Me: so, I’ve never made out with anyone before, have you? We don’t have to if you don’t want to. I don’t want to make you uncomfortable. Ugh I’m rambling now aren’t I. Sorry, I’m just nervous haha
Jesus: you’ve been up here 7 minutes what is wrong with you
AC changed bail to basil, and now I’m sitting in jail with some lovely herbs.
Ok, I’ll bite
What’s an ab?
Me: *checking into maternity ward*
Hey, so remember that time when you took the baby so I could sleep?Nurse: Ma’am, this child is seven.
Sorry I used the word flaccid twice in your wedding toast.
Ironically the best judge is someone who knows both parties fairly well, and can attest that both parties are idiots.