remember you can close your eyes and imagine a mouse holding a cocktail umbrella walking across a spaghetti noodle tight rope any time you want. no one can stop you
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I microwave ramen noodles right before I go to bed so that they’re finally cool enough to eat when I wake up in the morning.
Me: I bought mini cinnamon rolls
Friend: how many?
Me: I don’t know how, but they’re tiny
I still use my laptop to tweet. Also, I ride my horse through the shire to get to the blacksmith.
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is “bananas”
GWEN STEFANI: oh hell yes
Me: this math stuff isn’t gonna help us in the real world
[20 years later]
Boss: ok lift on three
Me: oh shit
According to my laptop, my New Year’s resolution is 1680 x 1050.
I’m asking my mom for a small loan by pretending to be a Nigerian prince.
Me: *uninstalls Facebook
Facebook: *reappears on my phone in the morning
Me: *uninstalls Facebook, drinks coffee
Facebook: *reappears on my phone
Me: *uninstalls Facebook, takes a shower
Facebook:…
Me: *wipes the steam off of the mirror
Facebook: *standing behind me
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because you like me
Cop: omg shut up I do not
If anyone is missing a cup it’s probably in my daughter’s room
Yelling at my cat to stop hissing at my other cat, for god’s sake, Milo, we’ve got a pandemic on
Staring out into the horizon..
Me: this is so peaceful, tranquil & romantic
[Bf holding up a stuffed lion]
Bf:Ah zabenya za dabib du da
“I know exactly how you feel.”
*staring at a deflated giant inflatable snowman
This Valentine’s Day, make sure to make it extra awkward by playing “All By Myself” on full blast in your car while eating and sobbing into a bucket of fried chicken when you’re waiting at red lights.
“When neighbors start talking, good things happen.” 🏡
i spent four months making this so might as well post on twitter too 🧍🏻♀️
When life hands you alligators, make gator aid.
Dating is like a 2-day-old box of chocolates.
The good ones are already taken.
[pours a bag of sugar over a tire fire]
hmmm
[tastes remnants]
i think i’ll call it… Twizzlers
Dad: I’m sorry sweetie, times are hard so we had to send your pony sprinkles to the glue factory
Sprinkles: *at the conveyor putting lids on glue bottles* this is some bullshit
the UK fascinates me because what sort of place can’t commit to a Prime Minister for three months but remains committed to the idea that fried blood sausage is an acceptable breakfast item for 600 years
The best shot in the history of golf
ME: I got fired for microwaving fish at work
HER: whoa, fired? that seems harsh
ME: whatever, I didn’t like working at the aquarium anyway
If you love somebody, let them go. If they’re smart, they’ll keep going.
waiter: *whispers* sir your card was declined
me: yeah *whispers* i don’t have any money
*races to airport
*hurdles though security
*sees her at boarding gate
*shouts her name
*romantic music swells
I RAN OVER YOUR CAT
the eldest child I nanny (she’s 5) has a game where she sits us all in a circle and gives us each a coin with a sticker on one. anyways if we flip our coin and it lands sticker-side-up we have to touch the dead bee she keeps under her bed in a tupperware.
Fears: dying alone, getting horribly maimed or disfigured, people who stick their tongue out in photos
Boss: this project is moving along at a snail’s pace!!
*silence*
Todd the snail: This is bullshit
*spends 3hrs storming out of meeting*
GENIE: u have 5 wishes
ME: don’t u mean 3 wishes?
GENIE: usually but it seems like u have a lot of problems