Yes liquor stores are essential businesses, today it was essential that I get port to go with my cigars.
Remember, you can disappear in an overgrown greenhouse whenever you want. You’re an adult.
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funny how siblings excel at different things for instance I’m the funny one and my brother is the successful one
The next time you hear a celebrity saying, “we’ll get through this together,” send them your electric bill with a thank you note.
7-year-old: I don’t want mashed potatoes.
Me: They’re just like French fries.
7: Then give me French fries.
There’s a flaw in her logic, but I can’t find it.
Carson: No it wasn’t a friend it was a close family member. And I didn’t stab her I froze her heart.
“Sir, that’s the plot of Frozen.”
[Describing guy who just mugged me to sketch artist]
“He was literally kermit the frog”
[on an airplane]
Me: Is the pilot any good?
Flight attendant: One of the best
Me: [winks] How about the rest of the season?
Before 40: stretch to prevent injury
After 40: injure self during stretching
In honor of the longest night of the year I will also be cold, distant &filled with darkness.
My noisy upstairs neighbour reminds me of that person I killed next week.