Remember, you can disappear in an overgrown greenhouse whenever you want. You’re an adult.

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Yes liquor stores are essential businesses, today it was essential that I get port to go with my cigars.


funny how siblings excel at different things for instance I’m the funny one and my brother is the successful one


The next time you hear a celebrity saying, “we’ll get through this together,” send them your electric bill with a thank you note.


7-year-old: I don’t want mashed potatoes.

Me: They’re just like French fries.

7: Then give me French fries.

There’s a flaw in her logic, but I can’t find it.


Carson: No it wasn’t a friend it was a close family member. And I didn’t stab her I froze her heart.

“Sir, that’s the plot of Frozen.”


[Describing guy who just mugged me to sketch artist]
“He was literally kermit the frog”


[on an airplane]

Me: Is the pilot any good?

Flight attendant: One of the best

Me: [winks] How about the rest of the season?


Before 40: stretch to prevent injury

After 40: injure self during stretching


In honor of the longest night of the year I will also be cold, distant &filled with darkness.


My noisy upstairs neighbour reminds me of that person I killed next week.