2020: omg we’re entering hell
2021: ok so how do we make hell cozy
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“There’s nothing wrong with being single.”
No.
“I’ve got plenty of time.”
Sure.
“I’m not lonely.”
Sir, are you going to buy anything?
I wish I was a bear, I’d be playing with my bear friends in the woods, not stuck in an elevator with these idiots. Am I talking out loud?
Knowing you’ve got indigestion is a gut feeling
#mondaymirth
Toy story 2 has yet to explain how a stuffed horse kept pace with a commercial aircraft taking off on a runway
A friend handed my 7yo a coloring page as a gift, and my kid looked at it and muttered jesus christ. So I thought oh no I better watch how I talk around him, then he flipped it over and showed me…baby jesus
*pauses Airwolf on the VCR*
*sets wine cooler down on the coffee table*
*turns to her*ME: what do you mean this isn’t working out?
Impress them on your first date by showing up in a shirt with their face on it.
If you’ve ever watched a butcher wrap pork chops, you’ve seen me wrapping Christmas presents.
I want my daughters to work where they want to work, live how they want to live, and love who they want to love.
But more than that, I want them to CLOSE THE CABINET DOORS WHEN THEY ARE DONE GETTING A PLATE
*waking up from a nightmare* okay no this is worse
[Fortune Teller]
“I see great wealth, also danger.”
Oh.
“And blue meth. Walt Jr. is crippled.”
Are you watching Breaki-
“Jesse is so hot.”
Why do u wanna work at Burger King?
*imagines killing the Burger King & taking my rightful place as king*
“I haven’t taken my meds in weeks”
skydiving instructor: were not letting you jump out of this plane without a parachute
me: *wearing a hat with a little propeller on top* just trust me
Like an octopus negotiating a roomful of toddlers, I negotiate a roomful of toddlers.
yes yes a thousand times yes!
Cashier at McDonalds said “See you later” a little too smugly at breakfast. I did not appreciate her condescension and told her so at lunch.
I bet most people learn their neighbor kid’s name not by proper introduction, but by the parents yelling it in a loud voice over & over.
If you’re a doctor, don’t look up from my lab results and just say, “Six months,” when you mean, “COME BACK in six months.”
My daughter will send a bunch of 2 to 3 word texts in a row so my phone dings like there’s an angry customer at the front desk.
“I wrote a song for you” he threatened.
Me: Can you remember life before Amazon?
Husband: Yes. We had more money.
*leans in for a kiss*
DENTIST: stop that
[husband opening refrigerator]
Me: “What are you looking for?”
Him: “I don’t know, but I’m sure we don’t have it”
I’m so incapable of accepting a compliment that I’ve started just flat out refusing them.
Them: You look lovely today.
Me: No thank you.
Hey vegans. Making a salad is not “cooking”. Making a salad is “assembling”.
My son just tripped over some toys and was convinced his 1yo sister set a trap for him. Utterly ridiculous.
It was me.
[Driving]
HUBS: You just blew a stop sign!
ME: Jealous?
Twitter has ruined my chance at a political career.
Thank goodness.
can you imagine shamir going through the Bad Freelance Experience…… someone’s like “i want u to assassinate this guy” and she quotes them for 2000g and they go “what? that’s so high! doesn’t it only take you two seconds to, like, shoot an arrow?”
One of my biggest fear is being chased by Usain Bolt during zombie apocalypse.