@DothTheDoth

Remember, you can disappear in an overgrown greenhouse whenever you want. You’re an adult.

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@JimmerThatisAll

Yes liquor stores are essential businesses, today it was essential that I get port to go with my cigars.

@continentlbkfst

funny how siblings excel at different things for instance I’m the funny one and my brother is the successful one

@IamJackBoot

The next time you hear a celebrity saying, “we’ll get through this together,” send them your electric bill with a thank you note.

@XplodingUnicorn

7-year-old: I don’t want mashed potatoes.

Me: They’re just like French fries.

7: Then give me French fries.

There’s a flaw in her logic, but I can’t find it.

@OhNoSheTwitnt

Carson: No it wasn’t a friend it was a close family member. And I didn’t stab her I froze her heart.

“Sir, that’s the plot of Frozen.”

@Fred_Delicious

[Describing guy who just mugged me to sketch artist]
“He was literally kermit the frog”

@ShortSleeveSuit

[on an airplane]

Me: Is the pilot any good?

Flight attendant: One of the best

Me: [winks] How about the rest of the season?

@MichaelTrying

Before 40: stretch to prevent injury

After 40: injure self during stretching

@DothTheDoth

In honor of the longest night of the year I will also be cold, distant &filled with darkness.

@CMFC99

My noisy upstairs neighbour reminds me of that person I killed next week.