Remember, you can disappear into the woods whenever you want. You’re an adult.
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For Mother’s Day, I told my teens, I’m going to reenact every detail of each of your births.
Sometimes when the hubs isn’t motivated to do yard work I’ll lie and say guests are arriving soon…my man’s hidin behind a mower in no time
Me: Evil always thinks it’s doing right
My boss: I am just asking you to put your air-pods away for the meeting!!!
3 just stopped what she was doing looked at the sky and said ‘something’s coming’ in case you thought you were going to sleep tonight
[phone rings]
“Is your refrigerator running?”
*looks over at fridge holding a lighter up to a spoon*
“I don’t know what he’s doing anymore.”
Yoda: “You must unlearn what you have learned.”
Me: “Got it.”
*shits pants*
There’s no sticker warning me not to eat this box of nails so I guess I’ll just go for it.
Here I was walking around having a good day when suddenly my 10yo asks ‘isn’t it weird that out of all the multiverses we live in the one where Spider-Man is a fictional character?’
This mom was judging me cause I was taking my kids to McDonald’s and I thought it was so cute she thought I gave a shit.
My boys from the living room:
“I’m telling mom!”
Me from the bedroom:
“don’t come tell mom shit!”
“To the window, to the wall” – me directing the carpet layers
Me to my 7yo: Why are you sleeping naked with one mitten on?
7: Because I couldn’t find the second mitten
I gave my Yorkie a haircut today. Now I know how lion wrestlers feel.
Him: I’m leaving you.
Me: [can’t hear him because I’m trying to breakdance in my bubble wrap suit]
Me too 😆
I’m at my most ninja when slipping on my seat belt as a cop car pulls up beside me.
*me as a police sketch artist
*turns Etch-o-Sketch aroundAre these the stairs that guy dragged you down?
Always love a woman for her personality. They have like 10, so you can choose.
INTERVIEWER: We want someone who isn’t just a yes-man, you know what I mean?
ME [clever] no
*Game Character Treatment Center*
Counselor: Okay new faces, please tell us why you’re here
Pac-Man: Binge eating
Lara Croft: Kleptomania
Ryu: *crying* I can’t stop fighting streets
every night i say to my husband, “go up without me, I have to take my vitamins” but I’m just eating cookie dough
That lamp looks PISSED.
Custom Auto Painting
Food truck owner:
I said I wanted it painted solid white. What’s with the red splotches?Me: You sell spaghetti.
I am the proud father of two content providers. I mean children. Two children.
*returns shopping cart*
“When I’m in Heaven I wonder if God will seat me to His right or His left?”
Whenever people say they’re willing to do “whatever it takes” to “make it in Hollywood” they never mean “patiently work on their craft”.
when my daughter asks me how much more dinner she needs to eat to get dessert i like to answer in abstract quantities like ‘the average weight of joy’ or ‘seven sunsets’ to teach her that life often doesn’t make sense and also quit sassing me and eat your peas, kid.
My nickname for my mother is Hannibal Lecture.
When you marry a fungi, you have to give up certain video games, pizza toppings and recreational drugs out of respect.
So weird to think that people born in 1998 are 25 because I was born in 1981 and am also 25.