Remember, YOUR God is real. All those other Gods are ridiculous, made-up nonsense. But not yours. Your God is real. Whichever one that is.

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[Penn and Teller getting a loan for their comedy act]
“Ok all you guys need is a name”
*they look around bank for ideas*


To balance out Elon Musk sending a Tesla into space, I’m going to drive my ’93 Civic into the ocean.


So disappointed that they canceled the New York City Marathon. This was going to be the year I lied about running it.


WIFE: Now stick to the list, okay?
ME: I will.
WIFE: What the hell?
[6 puppies run by]
ME: Relax, they were on sale, Karen.


Apparently, driving past police cars while drinking water from an old vodka bottle isn’t ‘funny’ and is technically ‘wasting’ police time ūüôĀ


Crazy to think back before camera phones we all used to sit in front of bathroom mirrors with sketch pads.


RAFIKI: [lifts Simba over head on Pride Rock]
SIMBA: Put me down I am 32 years old


I just heard an add on the radio stressing the importance of healthy muscles and it inspired me to bend my elbows more while eating cake.


I’d make an excellent cavewoman because I can finger paint and light fires.


*shitting pants, crying, missing my shoe*
yoga instructor: you need to leave
me: oh is this not child’s pose?