@rickygervais

Remember, YOUR God is real. All those other Gods are ridiculous, made-up nonsense. But not yours. Your God is real. Whichever one that is.

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@dannyboy7813

The moon is moving away from the earth at about 5 inches a year so it’s like the longest break up ever

@Phook75

I don’t ever worry about the kinda world I’m leaving my kids. They’ll just leave their shit everywhere anyhow

@BackrowSeats

I try contributing to society but it keeps insisting I take it back.

@DistractedMomma

Remember, you are faster and trickier than they are.

– Me, to myself, when I’m fighting a kid at the playground for the last swing.

@OtherDanOBrien

Friend (seeing my bookcases): Wow, have you read all of these books?
Me: Have you?
Friend: No.
Me: Then yes. Yes I have.

@PhuckedCody

coworker: i had honey on my toast this morning

me, likes to one-up: i ate a bowl of bees for breakfast

@JoshuaHvr

6 more days, guys.. That’s December 26. The day everybody puts their shitty Xmas gifts on Ebay so poor people, like me, can buy them!

@AGreaterMonster

My mom sent me a two paragraph email to inform me that she had called customer service and received $17 off her flight to see me.

@athleisure_monk

[God creating beards]
ADAM: God, I don’t like my face.
GOD: Tell ya what, buddy: I’ll cover it in pubes.
ADAM: What? That’s not—
GOD: Done.