@rickygervais

Remember, YOUR God is real. All those other Gods are ridiculous, made-up nonsense. But not yours. Your God is real. Whichever one that is.

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@DanMentos

[Penn and Teller getting a loan for their comedy act]
“Ok all you guys need is a name”
*they look around bank for ideas*

@CARRIONIER

To balance out Elon Musk sending a Tesla into space, I’m going to drive my ’93 Civic into the ocean.

@RickAaron

So disappointed that they canceled the New York City Marathon. This was going to be the year I lied about running it.

@dafloydsta

WIFE: Now stick to the list, okay?
ME: I will.
[later]
WIFE: What the hell?
[6 puppies run by]
ME: Relax, they were on sale, Karen.

@PhoenixRises69

Apparently, driving past police cars while drinking water from an old vodka bottle isn’t ‘funny’ and is technically ‘wasting’ police time ūüôĀ

@JasonLastname

Crazy to think back before camera phones we all used to sit in front of bathroom mirrors with sketch pads.

@joejwest

RAFIKI: [lifts Simba over head on Pride Rock]
SIMBA: Put me down I am 32 years old

@thisis_thatguy

I just heard an add on the radio stressing the importance of healthy muscles and it inspired me to bend my elbows more while eating cake.

@Dawn_M_

I’d make an excellent cavewoman because I can finger paint and light fires.

@maisonwithapen

*shitting pants, crying, missing my shoe*
yoga instructor: you need to leave
me: oh is this not child’s pose?