Guard: Before we put you in the electric chair what would you like to eat for your last meal?
Me: The electric chair please
Remember, YOUR God is real. All those other Gods are ridiculous, made-up nonsense. But not yours. Your God is real. Whichever one that is.
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My wife has been helping my neighbor hook up his VCR for 3 hours now.
Starting to get suspicious…
What kind of monster still has a VCR?
SON: Why did mommy leave?
ME: You know how in your fav movie the t-rex fights the velociraptors even though it might die?
ME: She said that shit was fake yo
SCHRÖDINGER: I got you a present.
ME: If it’s another dead cat I’m going to be furious.
SCHRÖDINGER: *Trying to contain excitement* We don’t know until you open it.
So weird that my kids will touch every handle in the house except the one that flushes the toilet
Jesus Christ, google you’re gonna get him killed
Yes I am a water sign and pancake mix is mostly water and thus I am a pancake sign
They’re upping my charges from prank bomb to non-Arab terrorism.
Europe in 1347:
dad lobster: why’s the heat on with the lid off