Remember, your toilet is just afraid of you as you are of it.
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me: a beloved member of my family died
college professor: show me the body or take the quiz
If you can tell from my eye contact at the grocery store that I’m inviting you to race shopping carts, you’re my kinda people.
Had a guy compliment me on my neck…
hmm..
So on a hunky vampire scale from “Twilight” to “The Lost Boys”, how freaky is this about to get?
sure recipes like “marry me chicken” are cute but where’s the “it’s your turn to clean the bathroom casserole”
Took my twins to their swim class and the coach showed them how to float on their backs then asked if they had any questions. My boy twin asked if there was any cake and I think it was a fair question
Me to my 10 yo: Why is your Roblox character so little? You look like a baby.
Her: Other people in the game think I’m cute so they pick me up and take me to their house then I rob them and run away.
Me:
Hey Joe, don’t think we can use this ad.
Why not? We’re roofers.
Yes, but “Hot shingles in your area looking to get nailed” seems extreme.
I should have known my son was stealing from his road construction job, but every time I came home I guess I just ignored all the signs.
Has a coffee at 3:26 so I’m wide awake before the birds start their shit at 4:00.
A lot of people look at Russian roulette as a negative game, but statistically it’s actually one of the only games you can’t lose twice
*hears recording of my voice*
Me: Haha! Do I really sound like that?
Judge: Please refrain from commenting on the state’s evidence.
“Ice, Ice, Baby, Vanilla, Ice, Ice, Baby.” – Worst cocktail recipe ever
I’m texting this to random phone numbers with no message
me: i wish i could have sex before i die
genie: granted
me: [873 years old] motherfu
my roofing company has gone bankrupt. I kept saying “this one’s on the house” every time I finished a roof, how could i be so stupid
I’m trying to get a rotisserie chicken home before it gets cold I don’t have time for suspicious lights in the sky
My friend returned a Tupperware container without the lid, so now I’m offering a reward for its safe return.
Don’t mind me, I slept on the wrong side of the bed, spilled a ton of water on me trying to take a sip from the bottle, slipped on a plate which I forgot I left on the floor, and the most tragic of all, I accidentally put on men’s perfume
At the park.
4yo niece: Can we play with the bodies again?
Me:
Me:
Me: Barbies! She means Barbies!
The only good thing about daylight saving time is tricking kids into bed early
The collective name for a group of killer whales should be an ‘orcanization’.
Job interviewer: So do you have any people skills?
Me: Eleven confirmed
JI: What?
Me: What?
I’m filled with joy when I see the “baby on board” sign attached to the car in front of mine, but sadness washes over me when I realise the car is a hearse. Only when I notice that it’s being driven by a baby do I begin to have mixed feelings
Would you rather have a normal childhood or a sense of humor?
A little birdie told me it’s your birthday and a giraffe told me to rob a bank and I think I took the wrong medication this morning.
Faces YOU Make ON The Toilet lol (o_o) (>_<) (0_0) (^_^)
I’m not interested in your cat unless it’s on its 8th life and about to do something incredibly stupid.
Me: there you go babe… [lays jacket over puddle so my girl doesn’t get her feet wet]
GF: you could have used your own coat
My favorite word in the English language is “Amen” because when I hear it I know you’re finally done asking Me for stupid shit.
If you hold a croissant to your ear like a phone it connects you to the president of France.