Remembered there were pudding cups in the fridge, so I walked faster than usual to the kitchen and now I know what a “runner’s high” is.
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Me: there’s only one thing about Halloween that really scares me
Her: which is?
Me: exactly
receptionists will look u straight in the eye and ask if ur available in 5 months and 18 days
when I’m sound asleep Sunday morning and someone rings the doorbell
So apparently “You can’t tell me what to do, you’re not my real dad!” isn’t of much use when dealing with armed cops.
I know this place will prepare my taxes competently–they have a guy dressed as the Statue of Liberty waving at passersby.
-no one ever
how was your vacation
I’d probably be on time more often if I had an alarm clock that yelled, “Pancakes are ready!”
Dear ppl in rl, yes, you’re right. Social media is nothing like socializing in rl, but let’s see you try muting someone by a single click.
a BIG dipper ? in this astronomy ?
If you know what “A/S/L?” means, I hope your back is okay. 😭
“My door is always open.”
— World’s worst submarine commander
[After inventing a memory loss machine] I should invent a memory loss machine
“Miley Cyrus: ‘Society Wants to Shut Me Down'”. Not down, Miley. Up.
These weekends are starting to feel as long as a lunch break.
judge: i hold you in contempt
me: get in line, pal
I got my paycheck and the envelope was filled with parsley.
Someone garnished my wage.
[hotel]
ME: No minibar?
BF: No.
ME: Or room service?
BF: You’re being extreme.
ME: *emerges in camouflage* We’re survivalists now, Gary.
a fun thing to do when someone enters the elevator is to calmly say to them “I was murdered in this very elevator exactly one year ago”
My kid said if I don’t stop calling it ‘Instantgram’ that he won’t talk to me for the entire Summer. So I’m going to start saying ‘The Facebook’ as well, just to be sure.
If everything happens for a reason, explain Windows update.
[interrupts gf talking about her dream wedding]
lol a horse drawn carriage?
“what’s funny about that?”
a horse can’t hold a pencil karen
Hey rappers, if you have to keep reintroducing yourself then you’re not a very good rapper.
Accidentally left my shopping list on the kitchen bench so had to rely on memory. Came home with a tub of icecream & a pony.
We’ve come full circle
Me with a black eye: You should see the other guy – he looks amazing. I think he moisturizes.
Everyone compliments the jumpsuit when you wear it out—but when you get to the bathroom it’s just you and your choices
Oh look the neighbors have a Halloween inflatable
-releases the cats
I was standing in the line at McDonald’s yesterday and just as I got to the counter my boyfriend kissed me and then loudly said ‘you are the best sister ever’ and walked away and the girl in McDonald’s looked at me in disgust and I’ve never wanted to die so much in my life
Don’t hate the PLAYA… hate the Spanish word for beach.