@WilliamAder

Remembered there were pudding cups in the fridge, so I walked faster than usual to the kitchen and now I know what a “runner’s high” is.

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@weenbeans

*barber hands me the mirror to check the back*
“Looks good!” I lie, after a few seconds of being unable to get the mirror to angle properly

@

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@10kbabyspiders

Son: How did you get that scar on your brow, dad? Boxing? MMA?

Me: Your mom was putting her purse in the backseat.

@EJGomez

“dad mom wont tell me where babies come from”
*dad slams newspaper down*
DAMN THAT WOMAN & HER SECRETS
*clenches fists*
WHY WONT SHE TELL US

@Mr_Kapowski

*hears a loud noise outside of bedroom door at night*

*wife reaches over* “Honey- WHERE ARE YOU?”

*already locked myself in the bathroom*

@TheToddWilliams

ELEPHANT COP: I recognize you

LION: I just have one of those familiar faces

ELEPHANT COP: You don’t know who the hell you’re dealing with

@annaeveryday

flight attendant: is there a doctor on board?
dad: *nudge* could’ve been you
a philosopher: *sigh*
flight attendant: we are going to crash and can either hit a field and kill 1 farmer or a runway and kill 5
dad: what
a philosopher: IT’S HAPPENING OH MY GOD IT’S REALLY HAPPENING

@juliussharpe

Documentaries must provide 90% of the employment for violin players.

@C00LpenNAME

*Job Interview

Me: “Thanks for meeting with me”
IKEA Manager: “My pleasure. Have a seat”

(Sees nothing but a pile of finished wood, quarter inch screws, and an allen wrench)

Me: “What…”
Manager *starts timer*