*Refuses to go to the gym
Adds resistance training to workout list.
[remembering phone charger is in my pocket as I jump from empire state building]
omg this is gonna hurt
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Priest: What can I do for you son?
Me: A man ran over my dog and several hours later he died
Priest: Oh no I am so sorry
Me: The good news is my dog’s ok
“Honey, don’t try to feed ice cream to the Christmas tree,” is a thing I literally just said.
Instead of catching your child every time they fall, teach them how to effectively execute a tuck and roll.
You tell me to get off my high horse? Why dont you tell the damn horse to stop getting high all the time.. His drug problem isn’t my problem
Love when horror trailers are like “straight from your nightmares” when your nightmares are usually like a buffalo chasing you through a mall but it’s also your mom
Heckling someone at their third wedding automatically removes you from their fourth wedding invitee list
The more you know
I’ve become a believer in letting the walls and furniture teach my kids that there is no running in the house.
I call it the School of Hard Knock Yo Selves Out.
be careful out there! #FiftyShadesOfGrey
Thanksgiving fact: Giblets are just Grandma speak for the gross stuff.