Remembering that time in grad school when my advisor, a great ornithologist, got a random call:

drunk guy, bar noises in background: IS THIS THE BIRD PROFESSOR?

my advisor: um..yes?


my advisor: …yes

*wild cheering over phone from bar*

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Thought it might be fun to go on American Ninja Warrior. Then I tripped over a rubber dog bone in my living room and put that dream to bed.


If I were a cashier I’d pretend people were waiting in line to kiss me.


Ok, so we’ve already made them resistant to reason and with an absolute disregard for their own safety. But what if we, and now hear me out, also made them incredibly fast?

—God, creating toddlers


When my wife pisses me off, I get on her Pinterest and pin lots of mediocre shit, like cupcakes that just look like cupcakes.


[drive-thru at 2am]

Whaazzuupp!? Lemme gets 12 tacos, 6 burritos, and a Diet Coke. Booyah!

Neighbor’s mailbox: …


Me: *leaning into him* I wanna do things to you that are illegal in 50 states

Him: yeah?

*steals his car*


For the love of God, what is Jesus saving? Is it coupons? I bet it’s coupons


When someone spaces out their “ha ha ha’s” in a text I read it in Count Dracula’s voice