@NorthernSprw

Remembering that time in grad school when my advisor, a great ornithologist, got a random call:

drunk guy, bar noises in background: IS THIS THE BIRD PROFESSOR?

my advisor: um..yes?

drunk guy: DO HUMMINGBIRDS HAVE FEET?

my advisor: …yes

*wild cheering over phone from bar*

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@david8hughes

[family game night]
Me: do u understand now, grandma? U understand the rules now?
Mum [tappin my shoulder]: she gets it. Loosen the headlock

@Sean_Burgundy_

Just for once I wanna be able to explain after I say “I can explain.”

@panmidwest

ME: sometimes i just repeat your name instead of laughing

HANNAH: that is the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard

ME: hannahannahannahannaha

@SadieSkyNinja

I’m sorry that your Facebook personality quiz matched you up with a rice cake.

@HenpeckedHal

[before kids]

“Man, I’m going to be such a chill parent”

[3 years in]

“IF YOU DON’T SWALLOW THAT MILK BY THE TIME I COUNT TO THREE…”

@ashleycrem

My 4 y/o doesn’t realize that things in life have happened before his existence. I bet this is what life is like for Kanye. Let’s be gentle.

@porksodachop

Snake: What do you do?
Gun shop owner: I’m an arms dealer.
*snake gets super excited*

@MasterSociopath

I mistook the Facebook status box for Google search, and now I don’t have to go to family functions any more.

@Divergentmama

I don’t understand why it’s so hard for me to make new friends. I say to myself in my pajama pants, in my house all day, with my ringer off.