You ever have your knees crack so good that you expect them to glow in the dark.
Yeah, me too.
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How does a farmer find new cows to buy?
He looks through the cattlelog.
Me: “I think it’s time for a change. Should I paint the bathroom?”
5yo: “Yes!”
Me: “What colors?”
5yo: “The same!”
An airbag is just a pillow that punches you in the face
BIDEN: That went well.
OBAMA: Did you have to say you loved Trump’s sons in Twilight?
BIDEN: It’s what I do.
Gang Leader: did you do the drive by?
Me: *holding milkshakes* what
I̶t̶’̶s̶ ̶t̶o̶o̶ ̶e̶a̶r̶l̶y̶ ̶t̶o̶ start drinking
I have 11 pictures of myself from high school. My daughter has 11 pictures of herself from this morning.
I’m so glad our local rats are getting to go on vacation
A white American told me I shouldn’t call myself “British” because brown people aren’t native to Britain.
A white American
White. American.
5-year-old: Dad! Dad! My sister-
Me: Stop tattling. I don’t want to hear about it unless there’s blood.
5:
Me:
5: How much blood?
My little brother tried his first edible and is currently writing the worst statuses ever
HIM: I eat guys like you for breakfast.
ME: I don’t underst—it’s 2:15, you can’t have breakfast now.
HIM: No, like, I’m threatening you.
ME: For tomorrow?
Me: You want some cereal?
2 year-old: Yay cereal!
Me: Want some Cinnamon Toast Crunch?
2: Yay cinnamon crack!
Me: Ok-wait, what??
6: that’s none of your business
4: it IS my business
6:
4: what does business mean
My toddler was about to hit her head on a bar at the playground so I told her to duck and she quacked at me.
And then hit her head.
I made a bacon sandwich this morning then managed to drop it on my white t-shirt. Luckily nobody was using the washing machine. That’s where I keep my emergency bacon.
If someone catches me staring I quickly look to my left & right so they think “oh that girl’s not looking at ME she’s looking at EVERYTHING”
Ive just finished writing my first ever childrens novel. It’s called ‘We’re poor because of you’.
DiCaprio movie endings;
Shutter Island: is he dead?
Titanic: is the boat dead?
Romeo & Juliet: is everyone dead?
Inception: am I dead?
Wife: You’re so predictable
Me: Yeah? I bet u didn’t see this coming
*I go to throw water on her but shes already wearing a poncho*
Me: Damn
sleep paralysis demon: ew. why are you so sweaty?
My kid wants to cuddle with her piggy bank at night. I think I’m raising Mr. Krabs
[in ambulance]
“Sir, do you know your blood type?”
“Yeah [coughs & points to wound] red.”
ME: how old is your son?
WOMAN WHO STILL CAN’T ACCEPT THAT HER BABY HAS GROWN UP AND MOVED OUT: 288 months
Me: Alexa, tell me a joke!
Alexa: You’re definitely going to finish that home improvement project this weekend.
Me: Damn dog is under the covers again!
Wife: No she’s not. She’s next to the bed.
Me: Oh.
Wife: …
Me: Might be time to shave your legs.
If a tree falls on your ex on the woods and no one hears it you should still get rid of the chainsaw.
..Just in case!
Don’t you hate it when you accidentally say something dumb in a conversation and then hate yourself for the next 15 years
Jumped off the couch so fast when the microwave dinged that I’m now eligible for the draft.
do you swear to tell the truth the whole truth and nothing but the truth
“starting now?”
yes
“the judge looks like squints from the sandlot”