Remembering when I was 5 and in the tub, my mom had to answer the phone, so I leapt out the tub, ran down the street naked to a park and punched a kid who threw a rock at me the day before. His Dad saw what happened and chased me up the street to where my Mom was just losing it
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[my deathbed]
Kid: Mom where are my shoes?
I asked my wife if I can count on her, she said I always can.
I sat on her lap and said “One, two, three, four, five”
Me: you are chewing your food too slow son
Kid: am doing it faster in my imagination
Me: try faster in real too
Kid: it tastes better in my imagination
My wife is an economist and I am an engineer. I was watching my wife make her breakfast one morning, and noticed that she made way too many trips to get each of the items she needed. So I said in my best engineer voice, “Hey sweetheart, why don’t you utilize the load…
What do you call a reluctant potato?
A hesi-tato
😂
*gleefully prepares egg salad sandwiches for milestone birthday party of office nemesis*
Whenever anyone asks me where I grew up I point to a random spot in the room and say “Over there.”
culinary school students be like “bruh i got spaghetti due at midnight 😰”
We’re going to run out of sausage if no one ever wants to know how it’s made
[courtroom]
Me: “I OBJECT YOUR HONOR”
Judge: on what grounds?
“LEGAL MUMBO JUMBO”
Prosecutor: he’s good
Judge: *slams gavel* case dismissed.
Is there anything more embarassing than saying you are logging out for awhile only to return ten minutes later? No.
Will that stop me from doing it? Also no.
I had a cat called key key meow so I am willing to help name your baby just ask
Little known fact, Alvin wore the big A on his shirt because he slept around.
You think after 11 years of marriage you really know your spouse, and then last night I found out mine uses his notes app by keeping EVERYTHING – grocery lists, reminders, birthday present ideas – in ONE LONG NOTE
i like when people have names where clearly their parents couldn’t decide between two and they just have to live with Jennica
The biggest myth about travel is “packing light” – don’t bother! Light is available from the sun and artificial sources worldwide.
Don’t forget if you’re a member of the Tautology Society, we’ve got our annual AGM meeting tonight.
Me: *coughs*
*coughs again*Husband: Are you ok?
Me: Yes.
*secretly opening the last sleeve of thin mints I don’t want to share*
Every parent: do you know how to get there? You just make a left then right then through 3 lights then a left and it’s a mile ahead on the right
Me: *nods as I type the address into google maps*
i’ll never forget what my Grandad said to me just before he kicked the bucket
“Grandson…
how far do you think I can kick this bucket?”
“It’s ok. This is normal for her.”
– How my friends explain me to others.
[being buttered]
Me: are you sure about this
Murderer: [stops buttering] you know what I brought the wrong knife
My husband swears he doesn’t read my stupid magazines, so I guess we have a ghost that leaves my Entertainment Weekly in the bathroom.
Me: [doing crossword] 41 band; three letters.
Wife: sum.
Me: human parts; four letters.
Wife: body.
Me: upon a time; four letters.
Wife: once.
Me: to pay; four letters.
Wife: toll.
Me: 90’s slang; three letters.
Wife: duh.
Me: refer to myself; two letters.
Wife: me.
Gollum had a pretty sweet setup for a while. Cave where no one bothers him. Cool item to look at in his cave
A good lawyer can generally cite a couple hundred laws off the top of their head and that’s still fewer rules than the games my 11 y/o invents and makes me play with her.
If you drop your voice half an octave, you can literally say anything and at least one man will find it sexy.
Try it…”Bluetooth connected”
Yesterday 9 asked what’s the meaning of life and 6 punched him, but that was yesterday when I was on acid. Numbers don’t usually talk to me.