*remembers company is coming*
*checks all the garbage cans, switching out Walmart bags for real trash bags like some sort of rich person*
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Being an adult means I’m in charge of my own bedtime, and I’ve realized I’m not equipped to handle that responsibility.
When a cop pulls me over I lick my lips and say, “Can I show you something sexy to get out of this ticket?,” then I open my center console full of snacks.
Looking forward to the day when “having a case of Corona” means you’re going to the beach and not the hospital.
Staying off twitter is harder than eating water with chopsticks.
I’m so glad that I took my son to basketball practice last night because I discovered how subpar my trash talking game really is.
Idk if anyone else has experienced this but I don’t like when things negatively affect me
ME: it’s spelled “kevin” but pronounced “kev-a-vin”
INTERVIEWER: you’re fired
ME: you haven’t even hired me yet
INTERVIEWER: you’re fired
My top tip is, before you get into a staring competition with any large animal (such as a boa constrictor), do double check they have eyelids.
someone is getting married down the street from me and their wedding geofilter works at my house
RIDDLER: What has–
BATMAN: A gazebo
ROBIN: Matches
RIDDLER: Let me finish-
BM: A paperweight
R: Dental floss
RIDDLER: I hate you guys
There’s so many streaming services and shows I just make shit up to recommend to my friends. You gotta watch Red Water on Home Depot Plus. It’s incredible. They just go “yeah I’ll check that out” like we all do when we know we won’t.
“Where were you?”
“Working late.”
“Do you think I’m stupid?”
“Don’t be paranoid, Loretta.”
“Paranoid? Paranoid?!?”
“Just calm d-”
“GO LOOK IN THE MIRROR MARVIN.”
doktor: are you enjoying the weather?
me: yes. it is very outside
LOIS LANE: let’s watch the super bowl
CLARK KENT: ok *takes glasses off regular bowl*
[work phone rings]
Customer: I realize ur closing but I just have a quick question
“Good, because it’s 4:59 and I-”
Now, it all started back in ’82 when I had my knee replacement surgery
Listen if vampires don’t age or whatever then why aren’t there any films about vampires set in a future where we all live in space??? Space Vampires?! Do I have to do everything around here
*Holds my sweatpants like a ball gown when I walk up the stairs*
A baby bear catches snowflakes.
[spider party]
black widow: oh yeah looks like there are lots of edible bachelors here
I hate when Netflix asks if I’m still watching. You really think I got my life together in the last 2 hours?
On the internet it’s super easy to take credit for stuff you had nothing to do with. That’s why I invented it.
[fumbling with my phone as I’m being murdered]
ME: *takes picture of my home screen*
What’s the point of making people like Paul McCartney and Elton John knights if they’re not going to joust?
At least six times I day I stare at my desk and wonder which object will injure me enough to get me out of work but not hurt that much.
My very religious-minded FB friend posted that she and her daughter were going to Netflix and chill today. I don’t have the heart to tell her.
Why does lipgloss last 43 minutes on my lips but 17 years on my coffee mug?
My teen would like you to know I ruined her life when I did her laundry today.
They said she was a cat lady but when I threw her off a small building she didn’t land on her feet and now I’m in jail for murder.
Whenever I hear “let me tell you the truth”, I secretly cross my fingers, hoping they say “brownies are healthy, eat as many as you want.”
Me: Remember how you said childbirth felt like the worst pain I could think of, multiplied by a hundred?
Wife: Yes
Me: My mom gave away a hundred of my Pokémon cards
Wife:
Me: *crying* I get it now, babe