my dream job is to be the FBI guy who nicknames criminals. someone blew up a fish market? Tunabomber. easy.
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What did one ocean say to the other?
Nothing, it just waved.
Sea what I did there?
I’m shore you did.
Laugh, you son of a beach!
Why did they make Courtney Cox? Because Lisa Kudrow.
I hate birds as much as the next guy, but not enough to hold one prisoner in a cage at my home
Leia: I love you.
Han: I know.
[gets frozen in carbonite]
[two years pass]
Leia: WHAT THE HELL DO YOU MEAN “I KNOW?!”
Hey boy, are you an Amazon wish list?
Because I want you so bad, but will forget about you when I sign out.
I told her it’s been a while.
She told me that was fine. It’s just like riding a bike.
Now she’s mad I checked her for proper inflation
Me: my best friend is my wife
My Best Friend Carl: FOR THE LAST TIME, I AM NOT YOUR WIFE
I gave myself whiplash. It couldn’t be helped. Bohemian Rhapsody came on, and my kids weren’t gonna teach themselves how to head bang.
“You kids and your smartphones, when we were your age we just dealt with having nothing to do with our hands.”
*Lights another cigarette*