@_davidsc

Rememeber when Uruguay fans got angry at Paul Dummett for injuring Suarez & then used Google Translate to insult him

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@fart

my dream job is to be the FBI guy who nicknames criminals. someone blew up a fish market? Tunabomber. easy.

@TEXASVETERAN

What did one ocean say to the other?

Nothing, it just waved.

Sea what I did there?

I’m shore you did.

Laugh, you son of a beach!

@Scriblit

Why did they make Courtney Cox? Because Lisa Kudrow.

@TheSkyIScrape_

I hate birds as much as the next guy, but not enough to hold one prisoner in a cage at my home

@StarWarsProblms

Leia: I love you.

Han: I know.

[gets frozen in carbonite]

[two years pass]

[gets unfrozen]

Leia: WHAT THE HELL DO YOU MEAN “I KNOW?!”

@CantWaitToNap

Hey boy, are you an Amazon wish list?

Because I want you so bad, but will forget about you when I sign out.

@sgtblueeyes

I told her it’s been a while.
She told me that was fine. It’s just like riding a bike.
Now she’s mad I checked her for proper inflation

@hazelmotes1

Me: my best friend is my wife

Everyone: awwww

My Best Friend Carl: FOR THE LAST TIME, I AM NOT YOUR WIFE

@MAB1013

I gave myself whiplash. It couldn’t be helped. Bohemian Rhapsody came on, and my kids weren’t gonna teach themselves how to head bang.

@MaraWritesStuff

“You kids and your smartphones, when we were your age we just dealt with having nothing to do with our hands.”
*Lights another cigarette*