When my wife wants my opinion, she’ll give it to me.
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NEWLYWED FRIEND: i just love him so much, i always want to be around him!
ME: you haven’t heard him eat cereal yet, have you
I spend a lot of money at Sephora for someone who’s got access to filters
[Batman in tears]
Catwoman left me
Oh no what happened?!
I left the door open and she just bolted
I asked which vaccine she got💀💀💀
Name dog. Call dog every derivative of that name but the actual name.
Die Hard is a Valentine’s Day movie.
Me: You don’t have to tell me twice.
Narrator: 38 times. You have to tell her 38 times.
I like to go camping so I can come home with a renewed appreciation for my house.
My husband ran for 30 minutes on the treadmill. He’s told every other person on earth and I didn’t want y’all to be out of the loop.
[lights 2019 calendar on fire]
Now you can’t hurt anyone any more.
[wind blows calendar onto my coat; I’m engulfed in flames]
Educated Twitter about to come and differentiate for us between an earthquake and tremor.
We don’t care…as long as there is shaking.
I don’t moan during sex, I prefer to yodel.
No thanks. If I wanted flaky I’d date a pie crust.
I have a Brown Paper Belt in Origami
boss: you’re late
me: sorry I was trying to jump my wife’s car for like half an hour
boss: did it work
me: no, I think I need better shoes
Women have a good 6th sense. I smiled at a girl in the mall once. When I got home I opened the door and my wife met me with a drop kick.
I love the meaningful conversations I have with my son.
“YOU BETTER DIE IN YOUR FORTNITE GAME BECAUSE DINNER IS READY IN 5 MINUTES!”
Me: my fitbit broke
Sales Guy: how
Me: i put it on my dog’s tail and asked him who’s a good boy
Sales Guy: if i give you a new one can i see
One of the best ways to explain my dad is that I went to an Orioles game with a friend when I was, like, ten and randomly ran into my dad in line for food and he was like “oh hey you gotta try these hot dogs” and never asked how I got there
[waits until purge night to illegally download music]
Whatever you’re giving up for lent, I’ll take it.
Sorry I called you “sexy” and didn’t really mean it, but I was hungry and you were a mirage of pizza.
SCHRÖDINGER: So son, theoretically your cat is neither dead or al–
WIFE: Tell him.
SCHRÖDINGER: Your cat’s dead.
If I had a bodyguard, I’m pretty sure he’d just spend most of his time sighing and saying “Don’t eat that…”
Sometimes I want to kidnap a few woman for two to three weeks so that their eyebrows can grow without fear
A haiku to my boss who asked me to work this weekend:
Ha ha ha ha ha
Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha
Ha ha ha ha no
You know who the real winner is today? The guy who sells “I voted” stickers.
The date abruptly ended when an argument over who’s the hottest Disney princess spiralled out of control.
Times I’ve gone out to the garbage since she threw away a fur pillow: 2
Times I’ve leapt back thinking an animal was in the garbage: 2
*shows up to date with horse drawn carriage*
“I’m so surprised!”
Yes it’s a terrible drawing of a carriage but he didn’t have thumbs so