7: “I know why pee is yellow. Because you have to squeeze to get pee out, like a lemon.”
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OPPONENT: I’m gonna mop the floor with you!
ME: Thanks I could really use the help
I haven’t really been as disappointed as I was when I realised that the movie ‘Breakfast Club’, actually had nothing to do with food
Math homework? If this is my son’s backpack, that means my parachute must be —
Me: *reading article about woman with brain worm* “Oh my god, gross!”
My brain worm: “I know! Yuck!”
Are you even a person if you were born in a generation that isn’t named after a letter?
If he calls you clingy, move in immediately without warning and decorate his bed with 57 throw pillows
I want Grandmmarly, the app that passive aggressively corrects my grammar but also mails me a 5 dollar bill on my birthday
So I’m at the level in marriage where your spouse tries to kill you with a heart attack by yelling “kaboom” in the middle of the night while dreaming.
Bill Withers: Ain’t no sunshine when she’s gone.
Twitter: *There is no
Decades have gone by and STILL my parents have not given back the Halloween candy they took from me “for safe keeping”.
GOD: I gave you my son.
MAN: You mean your only son?
GOD (thinking about his other son who dropped out of a visual & performing arts program to travel and find himself): Yes.
ANGEL: *creates alligator*
ANGEL’S BROTHER: *creates crocodile*A: *creates dolphin*
AB: *creates porpoise*A: *creates llama*
AB: *creates alpaca*A: *creates ostrich*
AB: *creates emu*A: quit copying me
AB: qUiT cOpYiNg mEA: i’m telling god
AB: i’M TeLLiNg gOd
911: what’s your emergency?
me: what’s YOUR emergency?
911: *starts crying* omg no one’s ever asked me that before!
me: jk I’ve been stabbed
when space aliens arrive and ask us to take them to our leader we should take them to the zoo and show them a flamingo
Me: I’m on the moth diet
Her: that’s not what ‘eating light’ means
Me: *coughing up moths* what?
At times like this, I ask myself “what would Jesus do?” and then I hide in a cave for three days
Realtor: It’s a four-story building.
Me: Nice!
Realtor (quietly): AllFourOfTheStoriesAreAboutPeopleWhoDiedHere
Me: What?
Realtor: It’s cozy
Birds are UFOs if you are not a birdwatcher
[Last Supper]
Jesus:”We need 13 chairs please”
Judas:”But chairs don’t fall into common usage until the 16th century AD”
Jesus:”AD?”
fbi: [injecting me with truth serum] give us the information
me: [already ugly crying] i don’t even know if i like nuggets or if i just like sauce
You know you’ve just had lunch with a narcissist when your neck is stiff from nodding.
Playing a game with my kid where she draws a picture and I have one chance to guess what it is and if I’m wrong, everyone’s day is ruined.
Moving sucks because you’re expected to trash stuff you have you forgot was important. Sure I haven’t worn this t-shirt in ten years but I wore it the night Bobby fell off a roof and I got laid. You’re robbing this of me for “closet space”.
Gave my family the wrong address for our beach rental. Hoping to get a couple days in before they find me.
God: done?
Noah: yea
G: whats this
Noah proudly: a swing set
G: u built a park. I asked for an ark
N: a what?
G: a boat
N: say boat then
my astrological sign is a french fry
bible: love thy enemy
me: loves carbohydrates
a human soul weights about 1.5 lbs. I know this because I weighed myself before and after I got to work today
me: I’m going to the store to get bread
wife: if they have eggs, buy a dozen
[later]
wife: did they have eggs?
me: *carrying 12 loaves of bread* yes
The nine most terrifying words in the English language are: I’m from the government and my name is Dracula