Remind me again … how many glasses of wine does it take to cook a turkey?
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Why are there so many songs about love but none about a turtle chasing you in your kayak
Apparently my kid got in trouble today for PACKING OUR TOASTER IN HIS BACKPACK and pulling it out at lunch to make pop tarts for his class. I canโt stop laughing.
โHey dude, my eyes are up here, and over here, and over here too.โ
-a potato
Texas principal: If that’s a homemade clock and not a bomb, what time is it?
Muslim student: Time for a lawsuit.
*at my funeral, friends talk around the coffin*
So crazy, just two days ago she was doing good –
*I rise from grave*
I was doing WELL.
Thanks to technology, family members from across the country can still have meetings to discuss what a disappointment you are.
I looked out the window to enjoy the beautiful view of our mountains. I then looked over to the left toward the end of our driveway and I see my 10 yo and 8 yo. They were twerking whenever cars came by.
We have to move now.
Apparently Iโm no longer allowed to walk my pet on public streets because itโs โscaring childrenโ and “a crocodile.โ
If you think women are the weaker sex, try pulling the blankets back to your side.
Fifty Shades of Grey is only romantic because the guy is a billionaire. If he was living in a trailer park it would be a Criminal Minds episode.
Oh no I got so excited that you texted me that I accidentally replied 11 thousand times and then swung into your house on a rope
[first date questions]
You like meat? I make killer beef jerky with leftover hobo carcasses…and she’s gone
Whatever she’s probably vegan
Apparently “cool story, bro” is not an acceptable substitute for “congratulations” when your friend calls and tells you she’s pregnant.
Me: ‘I love you so much, I’ll see you later beautiful’
Girlfriend: ‘I love you too’
Me: *Looks up from patting dog*
‘Yeah see you later’
worst time to be eaten by wolves is obviously the full moon. usually when something bites you, you can at least say โthat sucked, but i know what did it. heres the situation.โ full moon wolf bite? youโve gotta be wondering โthis couldโve been a guy named derek.โ humiliating.
When this is over, Iโm just going to start hugging nurses and doctors until they get a restraining order.
the ideal man is always thinking of several cool things at once (throwing a football really far, a truck with big wheels, giving a lot of high fives)
It’s true. Parents that use drugs, have kids that use drugs. So, there’s an important lesson here…
Don’t have kids.
Unpopular opinion but siren songs low key kinda slap
โ ๐ง๐ต๐ถ๐ ๐๐๐ฒ๐ฟ ๐ถ๐ ๐น๐ผ๐๐ ๐ฎ๐ ๐๐ฒ๐ฎ
You going to eat those sausages?
– What?
The encased meats. Do you want them?
– Those are my fingers.
Oh, no thanks, I’m not there yet.
If my boyfriend really cared about me, he’d stop being imaginary…
If you start a conversation with “you’re gonna say I’m crazy” there’s nothing I can do but to congratulate you on your clairvoyance.
In 1974 I helped a man called “Falcon” throw a heavy bag into the river.That nite on the news, I learned what it was: 300lbs of used condoms
My favorite part of eating alone at this trendy restaurant was when the waitress asked if I had cats because I had cat hair, “all over.”
I just ran into my high school bully and it was great cause I’m doing well and he’s 17 which is very old for a dog
why have kids when i already have a voice in my head constantly talking me into buying things i canโt afford
Hiding the bank statement from your husband is the new hiding your report card from your parents.
The man who invented the iPhone battery has died.
His funeral will take plac
Santa: he works one day a year and spends the rest of it judging you.