REMINDER: It’s almost March.
Don’t forget to to take down your gum disease decorations.
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[Walk into a Cat Cafe]
Me-I’ve never eaten cat. What do you recommend?
Lady-They’re for adopting not eating
M-Oh, well can I adopt one?
L-No
I’m a leader, not a follower… Unless it’s into a dark place, then screw that, you’re going first.
Guys only want one thing and it’s to lick your Himalayan salt lamp when you’re not looking.
I’d rather be an outlaw than an in-law.
This is so funny you can’t even be mad LOL
Me: shouldn’t ocean now be spelled oCean?
Climatologist: that’s not what rising sea level means
olympic swim laps would get faster if they held swimming during winter olympics
“holy crap….um guys?!” – the first caterpillar to wake up out of a cocoon
Building a public square in a city or town is plazable.
[ER]
HIPSTER: I fell off my acoustic motorcycle & broke my mustache twirler.
DOC:…
H: I fell off my bike & broke my hand.
D: Rub kale on it.
It’s like my dad always used to say, “Don’t go around acting like the Village idiot.”
I prefer the term busy professional, thank you.
I love that Twitter is so international. I can hit “send” & be misunderstood by people all over the world almost instantly.
So my kid secretly recorded me driving and singing and put it on social media if you needed to know how important birth control is today.
[Chased by cops on foot]
*Turns corner and lays DVD of The Notebook on floor**Cops get lost in Ryan Gosling’s eyes*
*Makes clean getaway*
What do you mean will I eat a whole rotisserie chicken? What do I look like, a guy who doesn’t eat whole rotisserie chickens?
Ran into an old friend who said that they thought I was dead. It was nice catching up.
Dear God, please turn my whistling coworker into a bird so he can fly far, far far away from here.
Leonardo DiCaprio playing me in the movie of my life, but in the scene where I’m watching Titanic, it’s me playing him.
Nietzsche: God is dead
God: Nietzsche is dead
[they both turn to camera]
THAT’S RIGHT, WE’RE DEAD SERIOUS ABOUT OUR MATTRESS PRICES
psychic: “I see… I see kids in your future”
me: “but I’ve had a vasectomy”
[9 months later … me tending a goat farm]
“This’s bullshit”
Interviewer: Under skills you put horse whisperer and able to see ghosts
Me: Ask that horse if you don’t believe me
Interviewer: What horse?
me: we named you after our favorite films
paul blart: i hate you
wife: you should be proud of your names
paul blart 2: you’re monsters
getting a nose ring so i don’t lose my keys
public bathrooms: wash your hands
also public bathrooms: here’s a microgram of soap, 2 seconds of water, and an inch of paper towel– good luck to ya!
A million dollars to the person who invents a GPS that says “turn right at the Taco Bell” because what tf is 400ft?
“911, what is your emergency?”
I got stuck in a beaded curtain
“Again?”
SEND HELP
help im covered in chameleons & no one believes me
Why doesn’t anyone put the whole football on their mouth like a pelican and pretend they don’t have it