Reminding Dad I’m too old for adoption really bums him out because that was one of his favorite threats when I was growing up
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Me: *pours 3rd glass of wine at dinner*
My organs: We strike at dawn.
You’re technically never cheated on you were just in a surprise polyamorous relationship
Everyone makes mistakes. Please make yours far from me.
Waiter: would you like to hear our lunch specials?
Me: uh no. I’d like to eat them–
Waiter, choking me out: I. have. had. enough.
me, gasping: ᴵ. ᴴᵃᵛᵉⁿ’ᵗ. ᴴᵃᵈ. ᴬⁿʸ.
Put my too-weak notice in at the gym.
Me: god you’re sexy
Her (sultry whisper): I’ll bet you say that to all the women
Me (sultry whisper): not my mom
To err is human, to eh is Canadian.
When did white people become such fucking pussies?
The reason I look like I’m paying attention is because I’m mentally correcting your grammar.
I have no idea what you’re talking about.
Lost 4 stone and feel great, but it started with a trip to India where I got the shits, came back and everyone said well done on diet, had to carry on as I didn’t want to explain about the shits.
I got a haircut and grabbed some
shampoo at the checkout line.Her : “Do you want a bag ?”
Me : “OMG…is the haircut that bad ?”
Her :
Cat Negotiator: Ok, so we’ll shit in a box in your house and you will clean it up
Humans: And you will be a loyal friend
Cat: hahahaha sure
“I hope this makes them name a radioactive turtle after me” Michelangelo thought as he painted the Sistine Chapel “that would be hella rad”
dear diary
today i got to first base
it was a rebel base
i destroyed it
The chickens in my neighbor’s coop collectively scuttle away from me. They know. They know what I’ve done.
I bet i could still be a stuntman
[Breaks a hip getting off the couch]
Okay maybe not
If you don’t wear pants, you’ll never poop them.
– Old folks home fortune cookie
They say there’s no such thing as a stupid question but then they’ll go and wake you up to ask if you’re asleep.
me (watching Predator when the Predator comes on screen): he’s not allowed near schools
They irony of being hit by a Dodge.
How do you like your Corgi?
me: *knows girls like nerds* I read a lot
date: what kind of books?
me: *knows girls also like jocks* heavy ones
ME: one ariana please
STARBUCKS: what size
ME: *winks at camera*
my eco-conscious gang and i do a drive-by shooting from our Smart Car. the recoil from a single shot flips our car, we are arrested easily.
my mom always told me not to wear long skirts because they make me look short. ok lady, first of all i am genetically yours and homegrown in your womb. i only turned out to be 5’2”. this is not the skirt’s fault
[On phone]
“Did u see the weather forecast?”
“No. I refuse to be sucked in by Big Weather.”
“Where are you? Its so noisy.”
“IN A TORNADO.”
How much for the giant, walk-in medicine cabinet?
“Sir, this is a liquor store.”
[office]
DAVE: We’re having a baby
SUE: Congratulations!
ME: [suspicious that Dave is a seahorse] Looking forward to the birth, Dave?
Me: *finishes my dope hula hoop routine
Judge: Still guilty.
I’m so sick of unexpected character deaths for shock value. This is a terrible pilates video.