@RealSamHarwood

Reminding Dad I’m too old for adoption really bums him out because that was one of his favorite threats when I was growing up

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@SardonicTart

*Hires life coach*

“Ok, the first thing we have to do is get you off this couch and get you moving!”

*Fires life coach*

@FilthyRichmond

Fox News reports that President Obama rapped his oath in Arabic while cutting the head off a goat.

@ilovepie84

“Sure the Decepticons are trying to kill us, but at least the price of fuel is reasonable”

-Optimistic Prime.

@LindaInDisguise

The most difficult part about taking a personality test is deciding which personality should take it.

@CopBroughtPizza

i’m reading this thesaurus. it’s really interesting, or should i say… very interesting.

@ScottyBondo

Just walked into my local court house, they were all sitting around in a circle with black candles and robes trying to summon a jury #funny

@thenatewolf

Scientist: our large brains are what allows us to survive so successfully

10,000 Year Old Tree: k

@eminmien

“Welcome, Mr. Bond.” I say, spinning around on my chair. My elbow catches the glass on the table and spills water all over my death ray.

@thestlouisan

A movie about a surfer vs. a shark

but instead of going back into the water & fighting the shark & dying, she finds somewhere else to surf.