Reminding Dad I’m too old for adoption really bums him out because that was one of his favorite threats when I was growing up
You Might Also Like
{Police Job Interview}
Captain: Go out & kill 5 Blacks, 3 Mexicans & a kitten.
Recruit: Why kill a kitten?
Captain: You’re hired.
Fine, I’ll bite. What’s stability?
Where is my emotional support mac n cheese when I need it?
I won’t be gratified sexually until someone dumps one of those big Gatorade containers on me after.
I just pressed the Popcorn setting on my microwave and it showed me secret spy video of Kellyanne Conway eating lunch.
My Ex Sarah ghosted me. Some experts call this phenomenon, Sarah-normal activity
*Licking my plate clean
Girlfriend)You still have to wash that
Me)This house is a prison
[interview]
Okay, don’t let him know ur a vampire.“What kind of person do u see when u look in the mirror?”
OH COME ON
The best part about getting older is now when my friends make me mad I just give their kids a gift that contains glitter.
murderer: I can see your feet poking out from under your race car bed
me: just changing the oil
My parents told me as a kid that R&B stood for ribbons and bows so when I heard Barry White in their bedroom I left them alone to do crafts.
Wanna know what it looks like when a tired mother reaches her breaking point? I just tried to hypnotize my toddler to sleep. She seemed to like it. As soon as I was done she yelled “again”!
My youngest has been banging on about “prank week” and has been royally pranking us all day.
Little does she know, her father is the prank master
Both of them panicking now, the bonus is that their sadness has brought a hush into the house.
Pilot: welcome aboard
Fighter pilot: [right hook]
I once got a ride home from the pizza guy by ordering 1 pizza to be delivered to the bar and 1 to my house. Pretty sure i deserve an award.
“Sorry, but none of my clothes fit today.” My date nods, and politely avoids looking at my towel and safety pins.
interviewer: how well do you perform under pressure?
me: I’m better at bohemian rhapsody to be honest
hm. i’ve been alive 26 years and I still do not know what you’re supposed to eat for lunch on thanksgiving in order to maximize your dinner enjoyment
Kid: Are you the babysitter?
Sting: Yes. Every breath you take. Every step you take. I’ll be watching you. It’ll be fun!
Kid: *horrified*
Captain America is fighting with the Red Skull on Twitter right now. This is too real.
My 3-year-old said she wants her first car to be a garbage truck. She’ll forget about it, but I’m still getting her one when she turns 16.
i’m lonely just not “inventor of the boomerang” lonely
Hate it when all of Asia tells me that I exaggerate things.
Nobody:
My 6yr old talking to himself on the toilet: everyday I gotta get up for school. & then everyday I’m gonna have to get up for work. When does it end. Did I ask for this? No. I don’t remember that I asked for this. I asked for rest and legos and French toast.
Sensible dad: I’d like to buy 3 ‘fleeks’ & 7 ‘swags’ for my son.
“Sir this is Urban Outfitters”
Do you have any ‘baes’?
“Please leave”
How long do you have to wait between naps?
One day you’re young and spry and the next you’re watching videos of people taste testing their friends’ Subway sandwich orders.
me: no don’t open that candy before din-
5: [opens bag of candy and skittles go everywhere]
me: [deep breath] iwantedkidsiwantedkidsiwantedkids. ididthistomyselfididthistomyself.
COMCAST: have you considered getting with the world’s number one selling broadband?
ME: [thinking he meant the Spice Girls] ..all the time.
My neighbors started Christmas decorating right after they ran out of Halloween candy so I called the police.