reminiscing fondly on my College roomy Vincent who, when told by the RAs that lava lamps are fire hazard banned from the dorms, replied “guys relax it’s not real lava”
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HER: *picking dandelion* blow this and make a wish
ME: *fully inserting into mouth* how do I know when it’s done *spitting out seeds* oh it’s done
One of my new rescue dogs is really into laying on the couch and watching FRIENDS.
I think he’s my soulmate.
“It’s all fun and games until someone loses an i”
– the Pixar Logo
Her: I need advice.
Me: (eating cookie dough for breakfast) You came to the right person.
As soon as I walk in, I can feel every woman at the gym dressing me with their eyes.
oh my gosh!!
Actually, I’d rather you shut your talk-hole, not your pie-hole. If you have a hole that gives pie, I’m going in there, because HELLO PIE.
what day is it?
Throwing things off the table before my cat gets the chance to is one of my favourite past times. Eye contact is imperative for full satisfaction
To test my sobriety, my husband asked me to name our 3 children. I said, “Didn’t we do that when they were born?”
every time we see a couple with a big age gap, my girlfriend goes “ugh what do they even have in common???” and it’s like, idk, maybe that they’re both getting extremely judgmental voicemails from every member of their family
My 6 yr old just asked if I’m a happy wife.. her cover is blown I think she might be working for the other side
My kid took out the trash without being asked so imagine my surprise moments later when he asked if he could spend $10 bucks on a video game.
ME: I’m dead inside.
THERAPIST: How does that make you feel?
ME: Dead inside. Jesus, is this your first fuckin day?
Called it
I sent my wife a copy of a menu from a really fancy restaurant ahead of time….
….she’ll be so surprised when we pull up at this Applebee’s.
When they talk about CIA on cooking shows
What they mean: Culinary Institute of America
What I hear: spy-chefs
[aliens talking]
“They call it a sel-fee”
A photograph of oneself?
“Sometimes several”
But why?
“We have one theory”
Go on
“They’re idiots”
when giving your wife a massage know that there is never a right time to stop. 10 minutes? Don’t think so buddy. 1 hour? Keep going. 7 hours. I want more. The sun enveloping the Earth after a billion years? Now do my shoulders
Medusa’s hair is made of snakes. Does the carpet match the drapes?
Me: is this dishwasher safe?
Nurse: *taking back baby* absolutely not
How do American chickens cross the road? In a bucket.
This guy was looking over my shoulder while I was texting so I texted “I hope this guy next to me doesn’t catch what I have.”
WFH: Work From Home
my brain: WaFfle House
Lied on my résumé and got the hospital job. Hope performing surgery doesn’t come up.
Don’t scream. I came to your house because you never responded to my DMs. Are you OK?
ME: Ed is coming over
WIFE: Ed who always talks about marathons or Ed who just blurts out country names?
ED: Iran
ME: I’m not sure
Why, as a hair, would you even wanna be ingrown. Like why are you doing that???
I’ll be throwing shade, after a quick search of Urban Dictionary.
every other girl looks super cute in her leggings & boots & sweater and here i just look like your jazzercising aunt in her stirrup pants from 1991