Remote start, keyless entry, feature allows me the privilege of losing my keys- while I’m driving.
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eye doctor: your results aren’t good
me: can I see them
eye doctor: probably not
Is it rude to try and brush someone’s teeth while they’re talking to you?
Give a man a six pack and he’ll drink for a day.
Give him a 24 pack and he’ll drink for a day.
You know who inspires me? The 0.01% germ nobody can kill.
“Will I live, doctor?”
“Did you post your diagnosis on Facebook?”
“Yes.”
“How many likes?”
“Six.”
“Sent prayers?”
“Four.”
“You’re a goner.”
My daughter saw my mascara brand was called better than sex and asked what that meant so I said it meant better than secretaries cause they write and holy shit pray for me she doesn’t google it.
Shrimp: My mom’s coming to visit
Starfish wife: Again?! The 3rd time this year?
S:She’s lonely
Wife: Oh grow a spi…
S: Grow a what, Karen?
This cat looks like Wilford Brimley
**both sitting at the pub having a beer**
Me: So. What’d you give up for Lent?
Friend: I gave up drinking.
Me:
Friend:
Me: No.
Friend: I gave up drinking standing up?
Me: Nicely done.
Friend: We should do shots to celebrate….
*stands at the bottom of the water slide, forcefully baptizing everyone who comes down*
Just had a 10 minute argument about the importance wearing pants in public with a 5yo
She won, today I wear pants when I take her to school
*Scrooge McDuck being put in handcuffs*
SM: Unhand me! What is the meaning of all this?!
Cop: Sir, you own half of Wall St. and are a duck
I always wonder what the nurses reaction was like after I leave a half eaten sandwich in a coma patients hand.
Juliet: Wherefore art thou, Romeo-
Romeo: Cool fact: wherefore means why
Juliet: Well-
Romeo: So you’re asking why I am
Juliet:
Romeo [hand on her shoulder]: it’s because my dad banged my mom
Black rotten roses & run over kittens
Teeth falling out & a test is unwritten
Naked in public becoming a meme
Theseareafewofmyterribledreams
every single person who owns two cats has one beautiful idiot and one terrifying demon plotting a coup
He didn’t know that balancing your knife on the edge of the sink means you may make a second sandwich, so now we have some serious talking to do.
Ordered ribs so I’d have to put my phone down. Discovered new talent. Pinky scroll
Whoever stacked these books is both evil and hilarious.
i’m tired of the phrase “too bad” so from now on I’m saying “that’s cactuses” and if you don’t like it well that’s cactuses
Me: so what does your husband do?
Her: he’s a dermatologist
Me: pore guy :/
I used to have a friend named CLINT then one time I wrote the letters of his name too close together on his birthday card
It’s a serious Lego project when the 1st thing my 5yo does is take off his shirt and gets me a beer from the fridge.
going to casually drop this here so everyone can worry with me
More often than not, I read applause as applesauce.
St. Patrick’s Day is the day we all watch Ghost and Dirty Dancing in honor of Patrick Swayze.
I once went to a party with 10% battery life on my phone so you can shut the hell up about your “scary” battle at Normandy, grandpa.
The lady in the spice commercial was haphazardly pouring her vanilla extract. Do you know how much vanilla extract costs, lady?
her: *texts something funny*
me: *types hahahahaha*
*stares at it*
*deletes one ha*
Sorry I painted a hat on your head while you were sleeping, but I can’t knit.