Remote start, keyless entry, feature allows me the privilege of losing my keys- while I’m driving.

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What she said: Honey, I have this GREAT idea.

What I heard: Honey, I have this EXPENSIVE idea.


I just saved a whole bunch of money on my car insurance by hacking into State Farm’s main server and deleting the 4 DUIs.


[first date]

Her: I like a guy who knows what he wants

Me: I’m going to get the bacon cheeseburger


Me: Is that not what you meant?


I wanna be rich enough to realize that I can’t buy happiness.


Cellmate: what did you do?

Me: robbed a bank.

Cellmate: nice! how’d you get caught?

Me: [lights a cig and takes a long drag]
I stopped to put all the money facing the same way.


Whoever called it a “dust bunny” was in a super good mood.


wife: I want you-

me: [takes off clothes]

wife: -to do the laundry

me: [puts them in washer]


I always buy a woman a popsicle on the first date to get a feel for how things might go later.


[comes home from a day away]

Kids: Guess what we did today?!?

Me: Played monopoly, ate pizza, painted, cut paper, had ice cream.

Kids: How’d you know?!?

Me: *looking at everything out* Lucky guess


Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person says: hi