@BasicLyes

Remote start, keyless entry, feature allows me the privilege of losing my keys- while I’m driving.

You Might Also Like

@JustMeTurtle

What she said: Honey, I have this GREAT idea.

What I heard: Honey, I have this EXPENSIVE idea.

@RitleySammich

I just saved a whole bunch of money on my car insurance by hacking into State Farm’s main server and deleting the 4 DUIs.

@pbear79

[first date]

Her: I like a guy who knows what he wants

Me: I’m going to get the bacon cheeseburger

Her:

Me: Is that not what you meant?

@YearOfRat

I wanna be rich enough to realize that I can’t buy happiness.

@NewDadNotes

Cellmate: what did you do?

Me: robbed a bank.

Cellmate: nice! how’d you get caught?

Me: [lights a cig and takes a long drag]
I stopped to put all the money facing the same way.

@WorldofWid

Whoever called it a “dust bunny” was in a super good mood.

@DadZZZasleep

wife: I want you-

me: [takes off clothes]

wife: -to do the laundry

me: [puts them in washer]

@drinksmcgee

I always buy a woman a popsicle on the first date to get a feel for how things might go later.

@mommajessiec

[comes home from a day away]

Kids: Guess what we did today?!?

Me: Played monopoly, ate pizza, painted, cut paper, had ice cream.

Kids: How’d you know?!?

Me: *looking at everything out* Lucky guess

@Heissarcastic

Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person says: hi