@JustMeTurtle What she said: Honey, I have this GREAT idea.
What I heard: Honey, I have this EXPENSIVE idea.
@BasicLyes Remote start, keyless entry, feature allows me the privilege of losing my keys- while I’m driving.
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@JustMeTurtle 
@RitleySammich I just saved a whole bunch of money on my car insurance by hacking into State Farm’s main server and deleting the 4 DUIs.
@pbear79 [first date]
Her: I like a guy who knows what he wants
Me: I’m going to get the bacon cheeseburger
Her:
Me: Is that not what you meant?
@YearOfRat I wanna be rich enough to realize that I can’t buy happiness.
@NewDadNotes Cellmate: what did you do?
Me: robbed a bank.
Cellmate: nice! how’d you get caught?
Me: [lights a cig and takes a long drag]
I stopped to put all the money facing the same way.
@WorldofWid Whoever called it a “dust bunny” was in a super good mood.
@DadZZZasleep wife: I want you-
me: [takes off clothes]
wife: -to do the laundry
me: [puts them in washer]
@drinksmcgee I always buy a woman a popsicle on the first date to get a feel for how things might go later.
@mommajessiec [comes home from a day away]
Kids: Guess what we did today?!?
Me: Played monopoly, ate pizza, painted, cut paper, had ice cream.
Kids: How’d you know?!?
Me: *looking at everything out* Lucky guess
@Heissarcastic Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person says: hi