Remote start, keyless entry, feature allows me the privilege of losing my keys- while I’m driving.

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Her: I’m leaving…

Me: Good. Go. I never loved you in the first place.

Her:…for the store.

Me: Oh…..Pick me up some Funyuns?


If a chimp tries to sign up for your karate class, DO NOT LET HIM! He already has the strength & the anger. Don’t give him the skills.


My aunt called me a basket case so I swallowed all of her decorative, weaved pieces of art that hold things to show her.


Teach your kids how to drive a car, get a job, cook, & do laundry from day one. The quicker they learn this, the faster they can move out.


Uber eats:

Food: $12

Service fee: $4

Delivery fee: $9

Total: $260


[Amphibian Playground]

BULLFROG: look at all u lil toad nerds

TOAD: help! a BULLYfrog!

TEACHER SNAKE: i’ll handle this *eats everyone*