@DrunksWithGuns
Her: I’m leaving…
Me: Good. Go. I never loved you in the first place.
Her:…for the store.
Me: Oh…..Pick me up some Funyuns?
@BasicLyes
Remote start, keyless entry, feature allows me the privilege of losing my keys- while I’m driving.
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@DrunksWithGuns
@Tmoney68
If a chimp tries to sign up for your karate class, DO NOT LET HIM! He already has the strength & the anger. Don’t give him the skills.
@just1fool
My aunt called me a basket case so I swallowed all of her decorative, weaved pieces of art that hold things to show her.
@GrillinChillin9
Teach your kids how to drive a car, get a job, cook, & do laundry from day one. The quicker they learn this, the faster they can move out.
@Parentpains
Oh you have morals? You must be new here.
@seethenare
“You like mayonnaise? Prove it.” – Costco
@its_cmillz6
Uber eats:
Food: $12
Service fee: $4
Delivery fee: $9
Total: $260
@handsock_butts
[Amphibian Playground]
BULLFROG: look at all u lil toad nerds
TOAD: help! a BULLYfrog!
TEACHER SNAKE: i’ll handle this *eats everyone*
@Browtweaten
Eye Exam Lamaze Class
Emergency
🤝
Dilated Pupils